Putting limits on helping a parent

[Anonymous]

We had a similar issue with my MIL. She was desperate because creditors would not stop calling her and we agreed to help her if we took over all management of her finances. We found her a reasonable place where she could afford to live on her social security payment, took away her credit cards, and gave her a monthly allowance for spending. Whenever she complained that we weren't giving her a large enough allowance each month, we told her that she could take over her own finances again but we would not provide any assistance. She knew she couldn't do that so she never took that option. We also worked with her creditors and negotiated settlements with them to pay off some of what she owed, but not most of it.

It was a lot of work for us, but it kept the amount of money we needed to contribute to her upkeep reasonable. We could plan and budget for it. I was not willing to see my MIL put out on the street but I also was not willing to bankrupt my children's college fund and my future retirement to reward her for her lack of planning and excessive spending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had a similar issue with my MIL. She was desperate because creditors would not stop calling her and we agreed to help her if we took over all management of her finances. We found her a reasonable place where she could afford to live on her social security payment, took away her credit cards, and gave her a monthly allowance for spending. Whenever she complained that we weren't giving her a large enough allowance each month, we told her that she could take over her own finances again but we would not provide any assistance. She knew she couldn't do that so she never took that option. We also worked with her creditors and negotiated settlements with them to pay off some of what she owed, but not most of it.

It was a lot of work for us, but it kept the amount of money we needed to contribute to her upkeep reasonable. We could plan and budget for it. I was not willing to see my MIL put out on the street but I also was not willing to bankrupt my children's college fund and my future retirement to reward her for her lack of planning and excessive spending.

You are fortunate that she agreed to do this, there are many who are not but still want the hand outs.

[Anonymous]

She had hit rock bottom and was desperate. Creditors were calling her all day. That's why she agreed to it.

[Anonymous]

She was also about to get evicted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She had hit rock bottom and was desperate. Creditors were calling her all day. That's why she agreed to it.

This story gives me hope. My in-laws are heading this way but I am not sure that they would ever agree to such a conservatorship, even when they are out of options.
It has been like watching a slow-motion train wreck for the last few years, and I am still not sure how it is going to play out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She had hit rock bottom and was desperate. Creditors were calling her all day. That's why she agreed to it.

This story gives me hope. My in-laws are heading this way but I am not sure that they would ever agree to such a conservatorship, even when they are out of options.
It has been like watching a slow-motion train wreck for the last few years, and I am still not sure how it is going to play out.

Better be proactive and let them know what you willing and not willing to do -- before the snot hits the fan!

[Anonymous]

This is the previous poster who put her MIL on an allowance. I think the important thing is to be very firm and let them know that if they want your help they need to follow your rules. If they want to take care of their finances on their own that is great, but you will not provide any assistance. It's virtually impossible to get someone ruled legally incompetent so they have to buy into the plan. Any time they complain, offer to step away and let them take over their own finances again, but make it very clear that if they do that you are not providing any assistance of any kind. This is not easy to do with a parent (or a child for that matter) but it can be done.

I wish we could have done this year's earlier with my MIL, but we had to wait for her to hit rock bottom before she would agree to it. She finally reached the point where she realized she could end up sleeping on the street and that is when she agreed to follow our rules and let us help her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the previous poster who put her MIL on an allowance. I think the important thing is to be very firm and let them know that if they want your help they need to follow your rules. If they want to take care of their finances on their own that is great, but you will not provide any assistance. It's virtually impossible to get someone ruled legally incompetent so they have to buy into the plan. Any time they complain, offer to step away and let them take over their own finances again, but make it very clear that if they do that you are not providing any assistance of any kind. This is not easy to do with a parent (or a child for that matter) but it can be done.

I wish we could have done this year's earlier with my MIL, but we had to wait for her to hit rock bottom before she would agree to it. She finally reached the point where she realized she could end up sleeping on the street and that is when she agreed to follow our rules and let us help her.

Well this is it. We need to wait for them to fully run down their assets before they would even consider letting us intervene.

[Anonymous]

Probably you do. That's what happened with my MIL. She got by for a while by selling her house, but eventually she spent all the home equity. It would have been easier for us if we could have taken over some finances while she still had some money, but she was never going to agree to that.

[Anonymous]

OP here. There are no assets to manage unless you count minimal social security (less than $1,000 a month) from a lifetime of underemployment. Thanks for the responses. I feel guilty but also angry at the situation and the entitlement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My sister is furious because my husband and I make $X a year (she is guessing the amount) and she can't help right now herself since she is saving for a wedding (but she would if she could).

I think your desire to buy a house and save for your kid's college expenses shows a much better understanding of wise expenditures than your sister's desire have a wedding. She can go to the courthouse and fork over the savings to your mother, who will blow through it in no time.

I would ignore your sister's stance on her financial expectations from you. Sisters and brothers, etc. will try to guilt you to death which is just a non-financial form of enabling your parent. Sometimes you have to put distance between you and enabling sibling.

[Anonymous]

If you can afford it, I would let her live in a condo that you own. You'll know she won't be out on the street, the mortgage is your own investment and she can't ask for rent money.