another "aging parents" question

[Anonymous]

My parents live about 3 hours away - they just moved a few years ago, into a 55+ golf-and-booze community. They love it and are living it up.
However, I have a number of concerns, and they are all compounded by the fact that we are not emotionally close, and I keep them at arm's length as a self protective gesture (long story... but they didn't abuse me or anything).

They are in their mid-60's and neither is in great health. Hip replacement, shoulder surgery, knees blown out, lots of arthritis and high blood pressure and high cholesterol.
A vague mention of "the cardiologist scared me" recently... but when pressed, will only say "Oh, I'm sure it's nothing to worry about. Let's talk about something else!"

For all intents and purposes I am an only child, so I WILL have to address this sooner or later. They have insurance, and savings, but since they have just recently moved into this (single-level) house it will take an act of god to get them to move closer.

We have a close relative with a history of drugs, violence, and manipulating my parents for all they're worth. This relative lives with them frequently. My nightmare scenario is that Scary Relative offs them, makes off with their money, and nobody knows for weeks - I easily go 2 weeks at a time without talking to them.

Something happened just recently where I thought that this was a real possibility... literally I was hours away from jumping in a car to go check on them. When my mother finally bothered to pick up the phone, she laughed off my concerns and instead told me a "funny story" about a neighbor who died and nobody found them for five days. Yay.

I need to have this conversation with them. If you have sole "responsibility" for your aging parent, who does not live within easy "check on them twice a week" distance, what arrangements have you made? Any suggestions here? How did you discuss this, esp with parents who don't see it as an issue?

[Anonymous]

OP, I have had a few experiences with this…my mother got her estate planning and health situation all sewn up and I don't have to worry about her.

My folks were divorced and my father did not have things taken care of but was amenable to me helping him and so I did end up getting the estate planning and health stuff dealt with (he lived 2 hours away so it was very time consuming)

But what you describe re your parents is the mentality of my favorite uncle and aunt. LSS totally lame re both estate planning and health issues; aunt had had stroke and uncle shoring up the gaps for her and pretending that she was 100% fine. And uncle believing that he would live forever, even when diagnosed with a serious cancer and they ended up coming to live with us while he underwent 5 operations and chemo.

So they were in our house for three months, and DH and I are both lawyers with some experience in this thanks to my mom and dad's situation, and do you know we could not get them to do a darn thing to plan or prepare.

When my uncle went into remission, we sat down with them again with a plan and said this is your opportunity to get it done; sell some properties and buy into a retirement community…still no, just went back to their same ol' lifestyle as if the cancer had never happened.

And then, he died, she was left to her own devices and people from her church volunteered to help her (insane! she needed professional medical help) so she fell and broke both her femurs and the doctors had her under too long so she's really brain damaged now and in a home. The properties are being sold at a loss to finance her care, and who knows how long this is going to go on.

These people had the means to provide my aunt with a very soft landing in a nice retirement home with lots of care, but they just wouldn't do it. Mostlikely, my aunt never would have fallen and wouldn't have the severe dementia she has now.

All I'm saying, OP, is what I learned is you cannot control them. You will go CRAZY trying to control them. I am a control freak and in general, am very focused on long term planning and delay gratification, and security, so this was unfathomable to me.

I gained 30 pounds trying to deal with the irrational insanity that were their stupid decisions. You can see there is going to be a train wreck, and the lesson is if they are not amenable to your help, for your own sanity and health, you have to step back and just watch it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

All I'm saying, OP, is what I learned is you cannot control them. You will go CRAZY trying to control them. I am a control freak and in general, am very focused on long term planning and delay gratification, and security, so this was unfathomable to me.

I gained 30 pounds trying to deal with the irrational insanity that were their stupid decisions. You can see there is going to be a train wreck, and the lesson is if they are not amenable to your help, for your own sanity and health, you have to step back and just watch it happen.

Thank you. The bolded, is me to a T... Little Miss Prepared. I want, desperately, to have this situation under control, because there is a large looming side-issue re: the unstable relative, that is largely out of my control. I feel like it's my sanity now, or my sanity later... they're going to wreck one or the other. Grrrrrr.

I'm so sorry about your aunt and uncle, PP.