If your friends divorced....

[Anonymous]

and you are/were friends with both the wife and the husband..did you eventually end up choosing a side and losing one as a friend?
My friends are divorcing. I am closer to the wife. Because she came to stay with me during the early stages I was the first one to know about what was going on. The husband reached out to me via email for support and to vent and has come to our house for a party (when the wife could not). Both say they are fine with all of this.

The husband seems to be alternating between doing okay and losing his mind. The wife is terribly sad but relieved to be making some choice/moving forward, etc.
For now it seems okay to support them both. It is a bit weird though and I assume at some point for the sake of healthy boundaries, I will need to let my friendship with the husband fade away. We are not terribly close anyway but I feel badly about it as I have been supportive of him during this process.

[Anonymous]

I would think you wouldn't have to choose sides. They will both eventually start going out and meeting new people. I had many more friends when I was single because I had more time. At a later time, you may have a party and invite both of them but its not up to you to tell them you invited both. Why did they choose to divorce anyway?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't choose sides, at least not initially, if they are just separating because it wasn't working. I couldn't stay friends with an abuser or cheater, though. But otherwise, I'd try to make it work. It will be different, and not as frequent.

[Anonymous]

The best divorce in my group of friends, the couple that was splitting did the choosing for us.

Rather than compete, or make us all feel awkward, they discussed amongst themselves who they each felt closer to, needed for support, etc. and then when splitting said "So, we've decided that Steve gets you in the divorce, if you want him. Stella will still be friendly when she runs into you, stay Facebook friends, etc. but she won't expect to be invited to your parties, etc. as she will expect that Steve is."

I thought that was really civilized, and 5 years later, it's worked out well. I am still Facebook friends with Stella, and we catch up if we run into each other with no awkwardness, and Steve is still one of my best friends.

[Anonymous]

The men want to fuck me. I am repelled. Case closed.

[Anonymous]

It is usually pretty easy to choose sides. And I have not yet had the experience of being able to stay friends with both parties.

[Anonymous]

Sadly, I don't think you can keep both as friends.

My divorce started amicable, with a promise from both of us not to make friends take sides. At one point, ex decided that he didn't want to be amicable and started "venting" to all our friends all kinds of imagined ways he was some kind of victim. He was trying to justify his cheating, which eventually came to light.

I did what I thought was best and left him the friends. I moved away and started over. It was sad, but I couldn't figure out another way to keep them out of a mess that didn't involve them.

I have no idea if any of them kept him as a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sadly, I don't think you can keep both as friends.

My divorce started amicable, with a promise from both of us not to make friends take sides. At one point, ex decided that he didn't want to be amicable and started "venting" to all our friends all kinds of imagined ways he was some kind of victim. He was trying to justify his cheating, which eventually came to light.

I did what I thought was best and left him the friends. I moved away and started over. It was sad, but I couldn't figure out another way to keep them out of a mess that didn't involve them.

I have no idea if any of them kept him as a friend.

OP here.This seems really sad and unfair. In this circumstance my friend did the cheating..and she is still with the other man. Of course she is hurting and has her own issues in her own way, but the husband is clearly the victim/wounded party here.

[Anonymous]

Meh. In our case, the divorced couple is on the QT about everything, just making it worse for them, and more awkward for everyone else. They kind of alienated everyone, and started gravitating toward a shallow couple or two. Which most would have predicted during the marriage, not after. Anyway, they made the decision for everyone, inadvertently.

[Anonymous]

We only have one set of friends who has divorced. We are still friends with both and they have been divorced for 3 years now. While there were hurt feelings in the beginning, they both got past it because they wanted to do what was best for their children. We still invite both of them to holiday parties and they both come with their new partners!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sadly, I don't think you can keep both as friends.

My divorce started amicable, with a promise from both of us not to make friends take sides. At one point, ex decided that he didn't want to be amicable and started "venting" to all our friends all kinds of imagined ways he was some kind of victim. He was trying to justify his cheating, which eventually came to light.

I did what I thought was best and left him the friends. I moved away and started over. It was sad, but I couldn't figure out another way to keep them out of a mess that didn't involve them.

I have no idea if any of them kept him as a friend.

OP here.This seems really sad and unfair. In this circumstance my friend did the cheating..and she is still with the other man. Of course she is hurting and has her own issues in her own way, but the husband is clearly the victim/wounded party here.

OP are you female? And the husband reached out to you? Sounds fishy, especially since your friend cheated, maybe he is looking for quid pro quo with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sadly, I don't think you can keep both as friends.

My divorce started amicable, with a promise from both of us not to make friends take sides. At one point, ex decided that he didn't want to be amicable and started "venting" to all our friends all kinds of imagined ways he was some kind of victim. He was trying to justify his cheating, which eventually came to light.

I did what I thought was best and left him the friends. I moved away and started over. It was sad, but I couldn't figure out another way to keep them out of a mess that didn't involve them.

I have no idea if any of them kept him as a friend.

OP here.This seems really sad and unfair. In this circumstance my friend did the cheating..and she is still with the other man. Of course she is hurting and has her own issues in her own way, but the husband is clearly the victim/wounded party here.

OP are you female? And the husband reached out to you? Sounds fishy, especially since your friend cheated, maybe he is looking for quid pro quo with you?

OP here, I an female but I don't think so. He reached out to me because he had not told anyone with the hope she might decide to be with him instead of the man she was cheating with. He sincerely thought she would choose him and they would NOT have to tell everyone. I was the only one who knew beside the therapist they were seeing. He now has support of his friends since it's clear they will not be reconciling..but he still sees me as a support. It's very strange position to be in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Sadly, I don't think you can keep both as friends.

My divorce started amicable, with a promise from both of us not to make friends take sides. At one point, ex decided that he didn't want to be amicable and started "venting" to all our friends all kinds of imagined ways he was some kind of victim. He was trying to justify his cheating, which eventually came to light.

I did what I thought was best and left him the friends. I moved away and started over. It was sad, but I couldn't figure out another way to keep them out of a mess that didn't involve them.

I have no idea if any of them kept him as a friend.


OP here.This seems really sad and unfair. In this circumstance my friend did the cheating..and she is still with the other man. Of course she is hurting and has her own issues in her own way, but the husband is clearly the victim/wounded party here.

It was sad and unfair, OP, but one of the weirdly good lessons I learned from divorce is that people are complicated, flawed, and irrational. They are also merciful, awkward and unpredictable.

You can choose a side based on the idea of victim/wounded party. Personally, I was hoping to save my friends that choice. I wanted to keep it all quiet, which is weird because I was the injured party....as far as the cheating thing went. (The other thing I learned during my divorce is there are a lot of sides to our stories and when a marriage breaks up, there are plenty of humbling regrets to go around).

If you want to keep them both as friends, I think you have to decide not to talk about the split. You can't be a confidant to one and a friend to both. So, maybe choose one, or stay firm that your friendship with both needs to avoid the topic of their divorce for the foreseeable future.

Good luck.