Am I being overly sensitive?

[Anonymous]

My husband says I over-react and calls me sensitive as I got very annoyed and angry at him for calling me "disorganized", "a person with no system and structure" and when the following happened:

1) I left a ballpoint pen exposed (without putting back the pen cover) while I left the table to attend to our 6 month old baby and other housechores. He got annoyed and nagged me for being "unsystematic".

2) I made bread using the breadmaker and the paddle got stuck in the bread. I left the paddle in the bread until it cooled down, but my husband didn't know and sliced the bread until he scraped the paddle. He blames me for leaving it there and said he wants to return the breadmaker. Again, he said I had no system.

3) I accidentally dropped a bottle of moisturizer on the floor while nursing the baby at 5AM. Was so tired that I forgot that it dropped, so I returned to my room. Again. he chided me and said I was disorganised.

He says he doesn't want our baby to grow up "not putting back pen covers: like me - I just think that he is personally attacking me over these minor issues. He has his fair share of bad habits which I don't bring up because I don't find it irksome like the way he does about mine. He keeps harping on these small incidents, but overlook other more significant ones like how I ensure I have dinner prepared for him by the time he comes back ( which can be anytime between 6PM and 8 PM, with no prompting if he's a little late), and when, at his request, I have to make a meal to entertain friends whom he invites in, despite having my hands full with the baby and my graduate studies.

I just feel that he's not appreciative of the things I do, and that I quit my job to look after the baby. He sometimes makes me I feel "dumb" because I'm a full-time mum. Even his aunt commented "why does she bother with her studies, since she's a full-time mum anyway". These really hurt. Am I being sensitive about the "no system, no structure" insult?

[Anonymous]

No. He's being a nag. Assuming he's not actually an asshole, is he particularly stressed out about something else right now? Something at work? Relations between the two of you? Those sound like really petty complaints and I would personally be concerned that he was displacing anxiety about something else onto these little incidents.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a jerk, but on the other hand, if these are just your latest 3 things and you do this kind of thing all the time, I can see where it might be really annoying to live with. Maybe you really are disorganized. If so, it's unrealistic for him to expect significant changes, but on the other hand you could put some effort into finishing one task before you start the next.

Sure, it sounds petty to complain about a pen, but if it's a pen on top of a long litany of half-completed tasks, I get where he might be coming from.

[Anonymous]

Is he really that bored in life that he has the downtime to fixate on a pen cap?

[Anonymous]

He sounds mean. You are nursing a baby at 5 a.m.? Enough said.

[Anonymous]

Was he on board for you to stay home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was he on board for you to stay home?

We agreed on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a jerk, but on the other hand, if these are just your latest 3 things and you do this kind of thing all the time, I can see where it might be really annoying to live with. Maybe you really are disorganized. If so, it's unrealistic for him to expect significant changes, but on the other hand you could put some effort into finishing one task before you start the next.

Sure, it sounds petty to complain about a pen, but if it's a pen on top of a long litany of half-completed tasks, I get where he might be coming from.

Yes- I'm the "systematic" one in our relationship. I mostly go around behind DH tidying up the bits and bobs of things he leaves around. He never puts things back where they belong, leaves random trash where he drops it, etc. A really dumb example- he opens a beer. Leaves opener and cap on counter. Always. Never cleans it up. My system is put away, throw out, then drink beer. But things like that times a million all day long every day. It gets frustrating. But rather than nag I mostly just mitigate! Maybe work on these things in a few months when you are less sleep deprived. It will help a lot when things get really crazy with kids! Tell your husband to help out and lay off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a jerk, but on the other hand, if these are just your latest 3 things and you do this kind of thing all the time, I can see where it might be really annoying to live with. Maybe you really are disorganized. If so, it's unrealistic for him to expect significant changes, but on the other hand you could put some effort into finishing one task before you start the next.

Sure, it sounds petty to complain about a pen, but if it's a pen on top of a long litany of half-completed tasks, I get where he might be coming from.

OP here - that's the problem. I don't think it happens often. The examples I've given are the only few ones which he's using over and over again to illustrate how "unstructured" I am - especially when we have a disgreement about something, and I don't agree with him, he will say how unsystematic my arguments are, using the pen cover episode as "the classic example". (when sometimes, I find that it's his arguments which have little substance). It really gets on my nerves. Now, I don't use a pen with a cover - just the one that has the top button to press. That's how tiring it gets.

[Anonymous]

Over-sensitive?? Hell no!!

I feel for you OP. Unfortunately, you are married to a very controlling, Type A individual who has some serious issues. How the heck you have endured living with this individual this long is beyond me.

I couldn't do it, but to each his own.

He sounds like a true nut case.

Very unappreciative of all you do. Ungrateful too.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you are two different types of people - he is very meticulous, you less so. That is ok. My husband and I are like that as well. But he needs to temper criticizing you over every little thing - it is non productive and damaging the relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP, your husband sucks. He really, really sucks. I don't know what you can do about that. It sounds like he is heading into emotionally abusive territory. He really shouldn't be "chiding" you at all. He could certainly ask you to please put the cap back on the pen or he could remind you to clean the moisturizer (though I think a nice man would have cleaned it for you). But there is no place for harping and chiding in a relationship where there is mutual respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your husband sucks. He really, really sucks. I don't know what you can do about that. It sounds like he is heading into emotionally abusive territory. He really shouldn't be "chiding" you at all. He could certainly ask you to please put the cap back on the pen or he could remind you to clean the moisturizer (though I think a nice man would have cleaned it for you). But there is no place for harping and chiding in a relationship where there is mutual respect.

I was just going to post something similar. I worry that this is becoming abusive and am worried how he's going to react when your baby is 2 or 3 and there are toys everywhere...

[Anonymous]

Mum ? Are you European ? Is he ?

American women don't play that. Tell him to STFU. Either help you or he can find someone more organized.

[Anonymous]

Oh my god are you kidding me PPs? This is far from emotionally abusive territory. What an insult to women who have actually been abused. OP you're clearly stressed and he seems stressed too. Stress magnifies sensitivity. Out of the 3 things you listed only the moisturizer incident would bother me. Explain your stress to him and flat out ask him to be more patient and tell him you'll try harder to remember to put things back when you're done.