Would you ask this question of your cousin?

[Anonymous]

I have a first cousin who is about my age (30s) and I think he's gay. Many other members of the family think so as well. He's never had a girlfriend, and he has certain mannerisms and behaviors that suggest to me that he's gay. He is a wonderful person, and I have no issue whatsoever with within a he's gay. I do want to know if he is, though. Do you think it's inappropriate to ask him directly if he is gay?

[Anonymous]

I would not ask in less you are really close to him. (or, it is because everyone will support him and invite his partner to family events).

[Anonymous]

Definitely not. Let him tell everyone (if it is in fact true and he intends to) on his own terms.

[Anonymous]

Yes, inappropriate to ask of anyone. He'll tell you if he wants. You can always ask if he's dating any one, though, and open the door for him.

[Anonymous]

My sister and I have actually suspected that our cousin is gay for years. She has never mentioned a boyfriend (nor have her parents or our grandparents when they were still alive) and we've never asked. It really wouldn't make a difference in how we interact with her.

Why do you want to know?

[Anonymous]

If you're close to your cousin and its never come up in conversation, that's because he doesn't want to talk about it. So be nice and respect his wishes.

If you're not close to your cousin, its none of your business.

Either way, drop it.

The only way my advice would change is if you're so curious that you're going to end up being a jackass around him trying to come up with "subtle" ways to pry into his sexuality. In which case, go ahead and ask him so he can just tell you off if he wants to instead of feeling vaguely uncomfortable around you.

[Anonymous]

P.S. If it helps you to let it go: Yes, he's gay.

[Anonymous]

If it looks, acts, dresses and loves to decorate, it's gay.

[Anonymous]

What does it matter where he puts his dick? Mind your own business.

[Anonymous]

If you are perfectly fine with your cousin being gay, and you think he might not be mentioning it because he is worried about family reactions, you could, when current events come into the conversation, indicate your support for recent advancements in equal rights for gays (the increasing number of states that permit gay marriage, for example).
Your cousin might still never feel like confiding this information to you, but at least he will know that you will still accept him.

[Anonymous]

Nothing wwrong with making general statements so that he'd know you'd be okay with it. But you can't ask.

[Anonymous]

I am very close to my cousin and on good terms, but we live in different states and I suppose we are not so close that this would come up as a topic of conversation. I want to know for a variety of reasons: I want him to realize that I love him either way and I don't care if he's gay; if he is gay and does indeed have a boyfriend, I want to be able to include this person in family events; I just want to address the elephant in the room. He's 35 years old and has never had a girlfriend. We (all of us cousins -- there are 22 of us and I'm the oldest) are very friendly and all on very good terms with each other. It is very commonplace for us to ask each other if there is a girlfriend in the picture, etc. This topic of girlfriends is a topic that is avoided with this particular cousin, and it feels weird to avoid it. I just want him to know that I accept him no matter what. I also wonder if he is afraid that our grandmother (very Catholic woman) might not accept him. Everyone has always felt that she is very intolerant of homosexuality, but I have recently spoken to her on this issue and she has changed her views to become more tolerant and less judgmental. She has an "everyone is god's child" attitude now. I guess I would also like to let my cousin know that she seems to have changed, in case that is a reason for him not coming out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am very close to my cousin and on good terms, but we live in different states and I suppose we are not so close that this would come up as a topic of conversation. I want to know for a variety of reasons: I want him to realize that I love him either way and I don't care if he's gay; if he is gay and does indeed have a boyfriend, I want to be able to include this person in family events; I just want to address the elephant in the room. He's 35 years old and has never had a girlfriend. We (all of us cousins -- there are 22 of us and I'm the oldest) are very friendly and all on very good terms with each other. It is very commonplace for us to ask each other if there is a girlfriend in the picture, etc. This topic of girlfriends is a topic that is avoided with this particular cousin, and it feels weird to avoid it. I just want him to know that I accept him no matter what. I also wonder if he is afraid that our grandmother (very Catholic woman) might not accept him. Everyone has always felt that she is very intolerant of homosexuality, but I have recently spoken to her on this issue and she has changed her views to become more tolerant and less judgmental. She has an "everyone is god's child" attitude now. I guess I would also like to let my cousin know that she seems to have changed, in case that is a reason for him not coming out.

Is there a way for you to ask him if he's seeing anybody in a semi-private context? Why did people start avoiding the topic with him?

[Anonymous]

The topic is avoided with him because everyone thinks he's gay. So no one wants to ask, "So, do you have a girlfriend?"

I suppose I could ask him more generally "Are you dating anyone?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The topic is avoided with him because everyone thinks he's gay. So no one wants to ask, "So, do you have a girlfriend?"

I suppose I could ask him more generally "Are you dating anyone?"

Yes. You could also start doing that with everyone, when discussing such things.