MIL Guilt

[Anonymous]

My husband is amazing and we have a wonderful marriage. His mother is a mess. She is depressed. She is a functioning alcoholic and overeats. She is terribly bitter about her divorce nearly 30 years ago from my FIL. She is nosy, pessimistic, and cannot keep her mouth shut or keep a confidence. She is chronically unhappy. She finds negativity in everything. She recognizes that she is unhappy but can never stick to any kind of plan to turn things around. She is weird and has a victim mentality and an odd worldview. She has very few friends and they are strange. She sucks the life out of me. I am very respectful to her and our relationship is civil and, at times, pleasant. I have never had a fight with her. At the end of the day I know she is sad, lonely, and has a terribly low self-esteem. The problem is that I feel guilty that I cannot find a way to be closer with her for my husband's sake. I am outgoing and close with my family and many friends. I don't have enemies. I tend to be a pleaser who goes out of her way to get along and go along. I love being around people. I just cannot connect with my MIL on any plane and, at 35 with a young baby and a demanding career, don't see it happening ever. She lives in another state. My husband talks with her about once per week. They are not very close but of course he loves her. I know she is a source of sadness and worry for my husband. I just have a visceral dislike for her that I cannot overcome...it is to the point where I have to remind myself that she raised my husband and cannot be all that bad just to keep myself from screaming when I am in a room with her. I am filled with a mixture of pity, irritation, and disgust for her.

So what do I do? I feel like a failure for feeling this way. Especially now that we have a baby my lack of a close relationship with her is even more glaring.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's the holidays and give yourself a break. You just said it, you have a demanding career and a young baby. Don't focus on this. Please your DH in other ways. If you focus on this, you may just get more contact with your totally screwed-up MIL and that's NOT good for you or the baby.

DH is going to be sad re his mother esp. during the holidays and you can't fix it for him.

[Anonymous]

Stop thinking about her already!
Why should you feel guilt over not liking someone who is not related or connected to you in any way whatsoever, apart from the small biological detail of giving birth to your husband?
Nobody said you had to like her.
Just be respectful and attentive when you are with her, and that's it.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL sounds like a liberal. There is no helping her.

[Anonymous]

What does DH expect you to do? You're civil and get along, so I don't see a problem. You don't need to be friends with her.

[Anonymous]

OP your mil is mine exactly. I can say my behavior towards her, just bc I couldn't help it, damaged my relationship with my husband. Don't do that. I have found avoidance is the best. Just remove yourself from the situation. Try not to dwell on her faults, she'll never change but don't give her the power to destroy you or your own family

[Anonymous]

I agree avoidance is best but when you can't avoid try a bit of compassion.

[Anonymous]

Let DH take the lead here. He calls her once a week, that's great. When you see here, be polite and pleasant. Bring something you know she likes, if you want. But you can't fix her unhappiness...and even if she weren't this way, you may or may not click as ILs. It's ok to have a superficial relationship.

[Anonymous]

What makes you think she wants a close relationship with you?

And your MIL lives in another state, so it's not like you have to deal with her on a regular basis. Just be cordial when you have to interact with her in person and keep it moving. You know she has issues so don't overthink things when it comes to dealing with her.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your family (as a whole) has a reasonable (and relatively positive) amount of contact w/ her, and that your expectations of what she can be in your life is relatively accurate. That's great. Sounds like you and your husband are managing it as well as possible within the limitations of her reality.

Your guilt about it, though, is your issue. That is wasted energy. You need to address/manage that separately from how you manage your interactions with her. Just allow yourself to get rid of the guilt. You will do what you can, what is reasonable and healthy for your family, and what is compassionate and possible for you individually and as a family. Beyond that you are not obligated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL sounds like a liberal. There is no helping her.

Ugh, give it a rest.