how do you save a marriage?

[Anonymous]

i am at my wits ends. I have told him this….although I do not think he gets it. We both work full time and have two wonderful children. His job is more demanding then mine, so I deal with all things related to children and house upkeep as well. That being said, my job can be demanding and timeline driven adding to my stress. None the less, I am there for my kids and ensure I support them in the ways that I think they need. I really need him to acknowledge this and show some appreciate for this effort.

We have grown apart over the past year or so. I can't remember the last time we had sex or even a sensual hug or kiss. At times he is very short with me…..I chalk this up to work stress, but I think there are other relationship issues tied in to this. I don't think he is attracted to me any more….I have gained 20lbs or so and he is not pleased with this. I think he would also prefer that I was not an introvert…..not sure I can change this.

I asked him tonight what can we do to make our relationship better…..his response…..umm I don't know.

I think his feeling is that we are "not that bad off", however I do believe that it is possible to be happier. Just not sure that he is really willing to work on it.

Where do you take it from here? I have thought of getting counseling for myself in addition to marriage counseling. Any thoughts ideas?

[Anonymous]

Yes on counseling for you and for both of you.

I asked him tonight what can we do to make our relationship better…..his response…..umm I don't know.

So, from a male perspective, there are a few reasons why you might've gotten this answer:

(1) The concept of "making the relationship better" might be too big for him, but if you itemized specific things that you want to improve, he could probable come up with ideas;

(2) Frequently men feel like they get set up by questions like this. They answer and then the DW tells them they're wrong. Many men do their best to avoid answering open-ended questions like this because they know that odds are the person asking the question has an answer in mind and is waiting to see if the man provides the "correct" answer;

(3) He might actually already be checked out and not care; or

(4) He might not see a problem and might like things basically the way they are.

I can't remember the last time we had sex or even a sensual hug or kiss. ... I don't think he is attracted to me any more….I have gained 20lbs or so and he is not pleased with this.

How often do you initiate these, or are you just waiting for him to do it? My DW has made it clear we will have sex when she feels like it, so I don't bother initiating. I'd prefer that we do it a LOT more (since we're on about a once-every-6-weeks schedule), but I know that's not going to happen. If you start initiating with your DH, more will happen.

That aside, if he's genuinely lost attraction for you because you gained 20 lbs., there's also just a good chance he's a superficial ass.

His job is more demanding then mine, so I deal with all things related to children and house upkeep as well. That being said, my job can be demanding and timeline driven adding to my stress. None the less, I am there for my kids and ensure I support them in the ways that I think they need.

Ok, so if his job is more demanding, then you won't be 50/50 on the childcare/housecare stuff, but he doesn't get a free pass. He has to do his share, too. If you take all of it, he's getting a free ride.

One thing to remember is that our first source of education for how a married couple allocates responsibilities is our parents. If he came from a home where dad was the breadwinner and mom stayed at home and did everything for the children and house, that's his default model. He needs to realize that his family doesn't work that way and he's being unfair to you.

[Anonymous]

So sorry you are going through this. Sounds to me like a marriage gone stale.

Anyway, kudos to you OP for taking the bull by the horns and trying to figure out a solution to your marital woes.

I agree that counseling would be the best option. Both marriage counseling as a couple along w/individual counseling for you as well.

Marriages can get stale after awhile. Work issues, childcare issues and household issues can greatly affect intimacy between even the most loving couples and it is very important for couples to continue to keep the spark alive as much as possible. This takes a lot of work and yes...To a degree...Relationships themselves are always a work in progress.

If you can manage it, why not have someone take the kids for a weekend or at least an overnight and spend the night in a hotel or bed & breakfast w/your hubby? It can be local and doesn't have to be expensive. Why not try a staycation? You can linger in bed all day if you want to.

Or even a weekly or bi-weekly date night out on the town where just you and your man paint the town red can do wonders for your marriage.
Make a mutual agreement that neither of you will discuss the children during the whole evening.

Hope this helps.