Holidays suck

[Anonymous]

Holidays stink! They can be so hard for my child ( I know I am not alone). It's hard to see him in social situations. Other family members (children) his age set him up and/or be mean to him on purpose. To give themselves a good laugh-- It's sad. I really don't like holidays and I know I am not alone. As a family we could choose to isolate ourselves but where does that leave my other kids? Where does that leave us? We talk positively about our child to the adults around us in hopes they will help their children understand but it does not happen that way. In fact some of the adults are very bad role models to their children. They don't actually tell their children that's not appropriate, not okay to talk or act like that. Some times I think : hmm I am the parent of a child with special needs and I work so hard to teach him appropriate manners, etc. . These children are considered NT and they are acting like a bunch of jerks and their parents are no better! I don't want to change my child but some days I wish I had a magic wand that could help him understand the world around him. (I know I am not alone). LIke many I want to make it better, give him a band aid , anything to make it alright. I love him for who he is but today I guess I just needed to vent. It's been a very tough couple of days. On one hand I am so glad it's over on the other what happens at the next holiday?

[Anonymous]

For me my holidays are sucks too...I have 5 years old with ASD and this is a crazy life. I isolate my family and myself. I don't wanna friends I just want to cry when I see TD kid anywhere talking and understating everything it bring tears on my eyes I just go away to cry.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps more activism is called for when relatives' children bully your child? I would intervene and I wouldn't hesitate to tell relatives they need to manage their children better. If it means the holiday spirit fizzles, so what? It has already fizzled, no? It seems like the alternative is you alone get depressed and angry.

We had our Tday dinner alone. Victory that my DC tried one bite of every food. Catastrophe that a fountain of throw up happened an hour later. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Yes we have done this many times. There is only so many times you can say the same thing. It's quite annoying. Look I get kids are kids and they are going to tease, etc. What really bothered me was the adults who know all about the situation but still chose to make some very mean comments or purposely not correct their child. I recognize no one can make this better--people are who they are. We have always done our best to help our child and make people aware. This holiday for what ever reason was worse.

[Anonymous]

I find that parents of the offending kids sometimes just don't want to deal with it. They're tired with their own stuff, and unless their kid's offense is blatant, it slips under the radar, and its hard afterward to go back and shake up a conflict with the other parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes we have done this many times. There is only so many times you can say the same thing. It's quite annoying. Look I get kids are kids and they are going to tease, etc. What really bothered me was the adults who know all about the situation but still chose to make some very mean comments or purposely not correct their child. I recognize no one can make this better--people are who they are. We have always done our best to help our child and make people aware. This holiday for what ever reason was worse.

How the hell do you block text on an iPad? I just had to do that word by word. Ahem. Anyway....

You absolutely CAN make things better. My kids are extra nice to their cousins. They are on their absolute best behavior at family functions. And you better believe I (and my husband) want to hear about it if my kids are not behaving that way. There is no reason you can't say to a mean little cousin "how would you feel if someone said that to you?" "if you couldn't do something everyone around you could do would YOU want to be made fun of, or would you want to be able to count on a family member to help you?" be assertive, politely. Kids definitely can change, if they are shown the error of their ways. Show them. Be the village for the few minutes it takes to see the situation from your angle.

[Anonymous]

You need to drop the unsupportive friends. Seek out groups who will embrace your family -- maybe other families who have kids with special needs. They are most likely to get it.

We take our SN child everywhere. I am proud of him. I have sought out groups of friends who are accommodating. The parents I associate with never let their child be mean or rude to my son. (Not to say they aren't occasionally mean, but all kids are mean to all other kids occasionally.)

I get while people let themselves become isolated, but for the sake of your child, you need to seek out people who will encourage the child to be part of the community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to drop the unsupportive friends. Seek out groups who will embrace your family -- maybe other families who have kids with special needs. They are most likely to get it.

We take our SN child everywhere. I am proud of him. I have sought out groups of friends who are accommodating. The parents I associate with never let their child be mean or rude to my son. (Not to say they aren't occasionally mean, but all kids are mean to all other kids occasionally.)

I get while people let themselves become isolated, but for the sake of your child, you need to seek out people who will encourage the child to be part of the community.

OP was referring to her own family members. But the gist of your advice PP is spot on--drop these folks. EVEN if they are family. There is no law that says you have to spend inordinate amounts of time with relatives that are rude to your kid. Unleash the mama bear in you and put your foot down. If need be, spend a couple of hours with family. But otherwise, invite other families over with SN kids. Invite friends over. It doesn't have to be alone or with your family of jerks. There are other alternatives. You don't have to be a victim here OP. You can control how your holidays go for you and your kid.

[Anonymous]

This was our first Thanksgiving without my MIL, who has a truly effed-up attitude about and toward our child with SN. (Long story, but the jist of it is that it made all of us miserable, attempts to resolve it peacefully went nowhere, so we didn't invite her this year.) Instead, a friend joined us from out-of-state--we're all nuts about her, especially our children--and we had a lovely, peaceful, and mellow holiday. If you feel like it's important to spend time with these family members, even if things aren't great with them (and I understand how this can be), maybe try seeing them at other times when it's less stressful, and then do what you can to make the holidays special and enjoyable for your family.

We all have this idea of what a traditional perfect holiday should be like, but the truth is that you can have a heck of a good time, and create lovely memories, doing something totally out of the box and different. Spend time with other friends, take a trip, whatever. My family had some crazy weird Christmases when I was growing up, and it was great!

[Anonymous]

I won't spend time with family members who are unkind to my SN child. Just won't do it.

[Anonymous]

I"m sorry OP. Your post made me sad. There is a lot I can say about my family and my in laws, but I can't imagine anyone ever treating my SN son poorly. I've endured my share of criticism over my parenting of him over the years (though even that's not happening anymore because the end result has been good and it's hard to criticize me when my son is doing so well and is so well behaved). But, no one has ever been anything but nice and inclusive when it came to my son. I do remember years ago when he was very young and our families didn't know how to be around him, so they were quiet. But the cousins never struggled with this and were always inclusive and kind. I imagine it would be hard to walk in your shoes because I don't think I could keep quiet and tolerate any meanness toward any of my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was our first Thanksgiving without my MIL, who has a truly effed-up attitude about and toward our child with SN. (Long story, but the jist of it is that it made all of us miserable, attempts to resolve it peacefully went nowhere, so we didn't invite her this year.) Instead, a friend joined us from out-of-state--we're all nuts about her, especially our children--and we had a lovely, peaceful, and mellow holiday. If you feel like it's important to spend time with these family members, even if things aren't great with them (and I understand how this can be), maybe try seeing them at other times when it's less stressful, and then do what you can to make the holidays special and enjoyable for your family.

We all have this idea of what a traditional perfect holiday should be like, but the truth is that you can have a heck of a good time, and create lovely memories, doing something totally out of the box and different. Spend time with other friends, take a trip, whatever. My family had some crazy weird Christmases when I was growing up, and it was great!

I just want to say good for you! I'm glad you and your family had the strength to just say no to her! Having the friend of out of state was the icing on the cake!

[Anonymous]

You absolutely CAN make things better. My kids are extra nice to their cousins. They are on their absolute best behavior at family functions. And you better believe I (and my husband) want to hear about it if my kids are not behaving that way. There is no reason you can't say to a mean little cousin "how would you feel if someone said that to you?" "if you couldn't do something everyone around you could do would YOU want to be made fun of, or would you want to be able to count on a family member to help you?" be assertive, politely. Kids definitely can change, if they are shown the error of their ways. Show them. Be the village for the few minutes it takes to see the situation from your angle.

I totally agree. I don't allow my kids - NT or SN - to be treated rudely. I model the behavior I want my kids to have and if it's my kids that are behaving poorly, I expect them to be called on it as well either by another child or by an adult.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all the input. It def stinks. For the most part we do surround ourselves with people who are caring and make my child feel welcome. I am guessing this is why the holidays are so hard.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry your family is being crappy OP. If I was you I would change my Christmas plans now and spend the holiday with friends who are supportive of your child.