I think my mom and my brother are poor. Can I help them?
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Anonymous
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For the past 16 years, I've tried to help my mom and my brother. I realized about 10 years ago that I had to stop giving them money or else they would just keep getting deeper and deeper. My mom got a Master's degree but failed to heed my advice and get experience, so now no one will hire her. But, she doesn't even want to work in her field, because she doesn't want to deal with the "politics". Then, I read this article about why poor people make bad decisions:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/linda-tirado/why-poor-peoples-bad-decisions-make-perfect-sense_b_4326233.html And, I think my mom just has a poor mentality. I grew up middle class. When my parents split, my dad continued to live middle class while my mom has been poor ever since. I thought going to school was getting her back on her feet. But, I see now that isn't capable of dealing with money. She lives paycheck to paycheck, robbing "Peter" to pay "Paul", and when she does have extra money, she spends it on things she thinks she owes people. She started having a little more money and then committed herself to paying for $3,000 a cruise for my grandmother. She would have finally been in the green if she didn't agree to pay for a cruise that totaled all of her food and other budget every month. She got an advance on her check for the holidays and she wants to spend $50 on both grand kids, one of them my daughter. I told her that she should go to the thrift store and pick out the cutest outfits, because that's something along the lines of what I'm going to do, even though we have the money to do more. She feels like she owes my daughter something. She feels like she owes me something. She doesn't have this money. She feels like she owes everyone something. She was supposed to move with several thousand dollars saved, but spent everything on goodbye gifts for friends, because she felt like the owed them all something. I remember the years she spent getting into those payday loans. And, she's still doing it with these check advances. She's borrowing from the future to pay for yesterday. So, she's always going to be poor. Is there anything I can do to help her loose this poor mentality? She doesn't have to be poor. She has so many opportunities to live a not-poor life. Oh, and my brother is the same way. Not my dad. |
Anonymous
| She's a liberal. There is no hope. |
Anonymous
| Send them to a Dave Ramsey "Financial Peace University" class. Maybe something will sink in. |
Anonymous
+ 1 His book the Total Money Makover is also very good and a quick, easy read. |
Anonymous
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Your mom has psychological problems, for sure - but OP, you're not going to change her.
Just a hunch - is there some sort of addiction in your family because what you describe reminds me of some families with addictions. But whether this is related to addiction or not, I hear you trying to rescue your mom by changing her and I'm so sorry to tell you that she is not going to change. While it's painful to admit that, you will be better off if you do - and then you can figure out how to love your mom from a distance and not engage with her problems. So sorry, OP! Good luck! |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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Is she trying to buy love? Does she actually "prefer" to be poor as long as people commiserate with her and continue to keep in contact because of all her gifts? She seems to have very low-self esteem.
Any way, OP. I don't think you can change her, but at least do not enable her. What you suggested about the thrift store was about right. |
Anonymous
| I know someone like this, and with her it's a mix of her culture and her personality. She gives too much to others, thinking it helps her karma big time, and because it makes her feel good. Then she doesn't have enough to live on, and complains and wants help. Everyone keeps trying to get her to stop her ways, but I don't think it's possible. You get tired of helping people who just take what you give them and hand it over to others who don't need it and who you don't necessarily want to give to. |
Anonymous
Look, trolll... do you actually do anything useful in the world or are you just an air thief? |
Anonymous
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It's sad that she thinks something has to cost money to be important to someone else. For gifts she could have just as easily made cookies or desserts and I'm sure they would have been loved as much as whatever she ended up buying, ditto with your daughter's presents.
I agree about gifting her a good book about money, or, better yet, the class if she's willing to go. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like her love language is giving gifts. The Dave Ramsay thing. Maybe of she can learn about different liver languages combines with money management skills, maybe it would help,? |
Anonymous
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does she want your help? that's one thing that popped into my mind.
If she sees the problem and wants to fix it (a HUGE IF), then I'd suggest that you manage her money for awhile, and give her a cash allowance. But honestly the way you are describing her, I doubt she thinks she has a problem. A bigger issue here is you are trying to fix it. My mom is an alcoholic, so I get it, OP..I really do. But some people are blind and don't see their addictions/issues at all. Take care. |
Anonymous
| You can't change people. Some people are born with a lazy brain. They are not stupid, they just don't think things out effectively. They are ok working for a simple meal and let life goes by. Do they want bigger things? Maybe but have no way to achieve it. I don't think any book is going to change them. They don't even want to read. |
Anonymous
| Some people you just can't help. I assume she's been working and will collect social security when she retires? Then her future is just to live on a smaller scale than you. If she's gotten by this long, she'll probably be ok. |
Anonymous
| you have posted a variation of this before, no? |