My silent husband

[Anonymous]

I am sort of at my wits end with my husband. He is a man of few words and always has been. Lately, his few words are accompanied by really closed off body language. He rarely looks me in the eye when we are talking to each other. When I try to start a conversation, he gives very brief answers. When I confront him on that he usually argues that he is not an expert in whatever I am talking about, so he can't really comment. Total BS.

When I ask if anything is bothering him, he says he is unhappy with work. I know this and have tried to help figure out what he should do. I suppose there is some resentment because I quit my job last year to be home with our two kids. We were in the same field, so I completely understand how his job sucks. He says he doesn't resent me and is happy I am home with the kids.

I just don't know what to do next. Suck it up and let it pass? Not really what I am expecting here. Anyone else dealing with this?

[Anonymous]

He sounds depressed, and likely he is a bit resentful but just doesn't want to tell you. But, he's also happy you're home with the kids.

Maybe he just doesn't want to have an intellectual conversation ( I take it that is what you're initiating since he says the "not an expert on the field") which I totally understand if he is miserable at his job and just wants to relax.

Maybe a guys' night out with friends to cheer him up? Dh and I both need some of those nights every once in awhile.

[Anonymous]

This might be random and unique to me, but I recall - especially when my wife was home with young ones, and we were suddenly down to one income - that it felt like the only thing she ever wanted to talk about were chores and stuff that would cost us money. I felt like, between working harder to make up for lost income and working harder just because of what having kids requires; I was maxed out on both money and effort. The last thing I wanted to talk about were things that either involved more of either.

So, I think I closed down conversations pretty quickly at that point. If the conversations had been about more abstract, entertaining things, I don't think I would have shut down as much. (I'm not blaming her, btw -- these were things we needed to talk about. I was just at the end of my rope at the time. Babies are hard!)

[Anonymous]

I do this when the wife doesn't put out. Are you having sex frequently enough?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This might be random and unique to me, but I recall - especially when my wife was home with young ones, and we were suddenly down to one income - that it felt like the only thing she ever wanted to talk about were chores and stuff that would cost us money. I felt like, between working harder to make up for lost income and working harder just because of what having kids requires; I was maxed out on both money and effort. The last thing I wanted to talk about were things that either involved more of either.

So, I think I closed down conversations pretty quickly at that point. If the conversations had been about more abstract, entertaining things, I don't think I would have shut down as much. (I'm not blaming her, btw -- these were things we needed to talk about. I was just at the end of my rope at the time. Babies are hard!)

I agree with this. Does your DH have hobbies, interests, does he like sports? Talking about those things might offer him a diversion. Then maybe you have an opening for a wider range of topics/interests...

[Anonymous]

When I SAH when my first child was very young, my husband was very resentful. However he never told me that, his body language and temperament said it all. He paid me lip service blah blah blah, how it was all so great for everyone.

I was able to get a clue and ended up returning to the workforce. He was visibly relieved. Our relationship dramatically improved.

I do not think many non-working spouses truly understand the pressure the working spouse is under. Combine that with a miserable job and the pressure can be suffocating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do this when the wife doesn't put out. Are you having sex frequently enough?

You sound like a peach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do this when the wife doesn't put out. Are you having sex frequently enough?

You sound like a peach.

Yeah, that would make me totally want to sleep with you.

[dmvwordsmith]

He should take a depression test, maybe rule it out as a cause. I did this with my DW sometimes and it was definitely a result of depression. No matter what, seems like he needs to talk to someone so he can learn to express himself.

[Anonymous]

he's obviously cheating on you. get thee to survivinginfidelity.com

sorry, souldn't help myself - thought i would beat that poster to the punch

[Anonymous]

He is just dealing with his unhappiness about work in his own way -- by not talking about it! Come people, this is obvious.

OP, just talk to him and ask him what is going on and that you're concerned!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

When I ask if anything is bothering him, he says he is unhappy with work. I know this and have tried to help figure out what he should do. I suppose there is some resentment because I quit my job last year to be home with our two kids. We were in the same field, so I completely understand how his job sucks. He says he doesn't resent me and is happy I am home with the kids.

He may want to just vent, bitch, complain and doesn't want your suggestions on how to fix it. Just nod your head and say, "that really sucks."

[Anonymous]

btw, if you can get yourself a newspaper or magazine and read that, and talk with him about something you read in there, as opposed to anything to do with his work (which is stressing him out) the kids or the chores.

If you can get a date night, if you see an early movie FIRST and then go to dinner, at dinner you can talk about the movie. If you go before the movie, you'll have the same conversation you have at home about the job/kids/chores. (unless you read the paper and found a topic or two. But usually movies are a more fun conversation)

My friend's married to a naturally non-talkative guy and to make it worse, he's in a field where he can't disclose a lot of things. Those strategies seem to work. Also physical exercise helps--I think exercise helps guys in ways that it doesn't help women (at least some subset of women, including me)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sort of at my wits end with my husband. He is a man of few words and always has been. Lately, his few words are accompanied by really closed off body language. He rarely looks me in the eye when we are talking to each other. When I try to start a conversation, he gives very brief answers. When I confront him on that he usually argues that he is not an expert in whatever I am talking about, so he can't really comment. Total BS.

When I ask if anything is bothering him, he says he is unhappy with work. I know this and have tried to help figure out what he should do. I suppose there is some resentment because I quit my job last year to be home with our two kids. We were in the same field, so I completely understand how his job sucks. He says he doesn't resent me and is happy I am home with the kids.

I just don't know what to do next. Suck it up and let it pass? Not really what I am expecting here. Anyone else dealing with this?

Do you carry on and on about the kids, PTA, and other such domestic issues? I'd only grunt out answers if I had to hear that at the dinner table.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Great points everyone. Although I didn't get into the nitty gritty details, I have pretty much tried everything you all suggested except confront him about depression.

I try not to talk about the mundane kid stuff too much. I do ask questions about the soccer match he is watching or a story I heard about on the news. I try to just say "that totally sucks" when he does mention things about work. It's so annoying because when I used to vent about work, he would get so frustrated because he thought I was looking for him to solve some problem.

As far as sex goes, I am only 6 weeks postpartum, so he will just have to deal with it for a little longer. We talk about it, and I feel pretty confident that is not the problem.

Last night I asked about depression, and it really seemed to awaken something in him. I think he easily retreats into himself and forgets how it can affect everyone around him.

Thanks for all the thoughts.