Is my 21y/o DD being unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

My 21 y/o DD has been going home to her dad's every Sunday night for the evening since the school year started (she works 50 hr weeks and goes to school, Monday is her day off). She likes getting to see her dad, who she's always been very close with, and the cat she's had since she was 10. She also often has Dr's appts scheduled then, as her specialists are located there.

Recently there has been some conflict with her dad's GF. The GF of about 2 years is offended that my DD does not want to spend Sunday afternoons with her---if the GF comes over to the house, my DD will often retreat into her room to give her dad and the GF privacy. DD is always polite to the GF, but has no interest in hanging out or becoming friends with her. The GF thinks my DD 'hates' her, and it has caused a lot of conflict in her relationship with my ex. My ex has expressed his desire for my DD and his GF to spend time together/hang out. He says that if DD respected his relationship, she would befriend his GF. I think that as long as DD is polite and doesn't make the GF uncomfortable, she shouldn't have to hang out/spend time with the GF--especially because she is only in town for a few hours a week. Yesterday, my ex asked if my DD would watch TV with him and his GF. My DD said she didn't mind the GF coming over, but would prefer to study in her room while the GF was over. My ex got very mad and accused my DD of being ungrateful for all he has done for her, and told her how disappointed he is in her.

Does my DD have an obligation to befriend her dad's GF? She is very upset--feels like her dad is choosing his GF's feelings over hers, and doesn't feel like she's very welcome there anymore. Does anyone have any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is 21. She's an adult.

[Anonymous]

Just because daughter is an adult (a young one at that), doesn't mean she doesn't need help navigating relationships. Jeez.

I don't think it is unreasonable for your DD to not be very interested in befriending GF, but it wouldn't be so hard for her to watch an hour or two of TV with them.

I do think she needs to communicate more with her Dad about both of their expectations for DD/GF's relationship. You should try to avoid being the go-between there.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is an adult. If she chooses to go to her father's house she should not ignore someone who is also invited there, and is important to her father. Does she need to befriend her - no, but avoiding her and staying in her room while she is there is rude and immature for a 21 yr old. Saying it is for privacy sounds like pouting as the dad and GF have all the privacy they want the other 6 1/2 days of the week.

If her father refuses to see her without the GF there, then she should talk to her father about that. Otherwise she should start acting like an adult.

[Anonymous]

she shouldnt act like a teenager anymore but neither should the gf. sounds tricky.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like everyone is overreacting. The GF shouldn't feel so slighted, the dad needs to stop throwing guilt trips, and the daughter needs to stop being so selfish. What would an hour or two or TV cost her?

[Anonymous]

All persons in the house need to interact and be sociable. You are not a neutral party in this dispute so be careful how you frame this.

[Anonymous]

A 21 year old is way to old to retreat to her room when a guest comes over. She certainly doesn't have to be friends with dad's GF. But she should treat her the same way she would any guest. She could easily spend an hour or so watching a movie with dad and GF then excuse herself citing homework.

I have adult children as well, so I understand that you are trying to help. However, I would step away from this and let her work it out with her dad.

[Anonymous]

Is there a reason why she retreats in her room? There has to be more to the story. I assume you have been separated with her dad for a while now. Has she always acted this way with all of his GFs, or just this one?

[Anonymous]

Your dd sounds a little bitchy for going to her room when the gf comes over. The excuse of giving the gf and dad time together is thin and the gf obviously sees right through it. Tell your DD to grow up. She doesn't have to go out with the gf for outings but she shouldn't go sulk in her bedroom when she comes over.

What specialists does your daughter see that are available for appts on sun evenings?

[Anonymous]

Interesting. I'm a step mother and I feel the girlfriend is trying to force a relationship. I don't know if your daughter "hides" the whole time. ? Is she joining her dad and his girlfriend for dinner, for example?

If I were dad, is talk to your daughter without girlfriend present, and discuss how this is an important relationship to him and how he'd like the three of them to do some things together. Is make it something more than TV though. A play or movie, for example. Dinner out.

I certainly would never force GF and daughter to spend time alone and would never expect it to happen, unless and until GF and daughter build a relationship of their own.

If Dad won't do that, daughter might want to talk to him alone and express her needs as a family member and her concerns. Kids with divorced parents often aren't quick to warm up to their parents' new romantic partners. They know there is a big risk they will leave. The parents should understand that and work with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. I'm a step mother and I feel the girlfriend is trying to force a relationship. I don't know if your daughter "hides" the whole time. ? Is she joining her dad and his girlfriend for dinner, for example?

If I were dad, is talk to your daughter without girlfriend present, and discuss how this is an important relationship to him and how he'd like the three of them to do some things together. Is make it something more than TV though. A play or movie, for example. Dinner out.

I certainly would never force GF and daughter to spend time alone and would never expect it to happen, unless and until GF and daughter build a relationship of their own.

If Dad won't do that, daughter might want to talk to him alone and express her needs as a family member and her concerns. Kids with divorced parents often aren't quick to warm up to their parents' new romantic partners. They know there is a big risk they will leave. The parents should understand that and work with it.

Forgive typos please. On an iPhone.

[Anonymous]

Faking it is a skill required of all adults so it's about time she learned how to do this. Would it kill her to spend a bit of time with dad and the new girlfriend? Of course not (unless there is more to this story). But she is an adult and has to deal with the consequences of her behavior. If her dad is getting upset about this, he needs to get upset WITH HER about it. Maybe then she will see it is just easier to suck it up and be social for a while when she is there.

[Anonymous]

THis is a long term GF, not a brand new one. (2 yrs). Sounds like there is more to the story, potentially. Or your DD is acting rather immature, and really just needs to act like the adult she ostensibly is. Either way, let her work it out with her Dad--no real need for you to get in the middle of it, it seems.

But from your description, it really doesn't sound like GF is doing much wrong, and like DD is acting like a teenager. A young one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. I'm a step mother and I feel the girlfriend is trying to force a relationship. I don't know if your daughter "hides" the whole time. ? Is she joining her dad and his girlfriend for dinner, for example?

If I were dad, is talk to your daughter without girlfriend present, and discuss how this is an important relationship to him and how he'd like the three of them to do some things together. Is make it something more than TV though. A play or movie, for example. Dinner out.

I certainly would never force GF and daughter to spend time alone and would never expect it to happen, unless and until GF and daughter build a relationship of their own.

If Dad won't do that, daughter might want to talk to him alone and express her needs as a family member and her concerns. Kids with divorced parents often aren't quick to warm up to their parents' new romantic partners. They know there is a big risk they will leave. The parents should understand that and work with it.

+1000. If I was a student and working 50 hours a week with one free night to hang with divorced dad and cat, I would probably not want to spend it watching TV with dad and girlfriend or being forced to hang with OK girlfriend for fake bonding sessions.

Dad's 2 year girlfriend sounds "clingy" and is trying to drive a wedge between DD and her dad.