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Is this 6-year-old behavior language normal or worrisome?
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Anonymous
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The last couple of weeks, when DS6 has been angry at something (usually to being told no to something, or being asked to do something he doesn't want to do), he has started saying, "I wish you were dead. I wish I had a gun so I could shoot you." He doesn't display any other signs of incipient psychopathy, LOL. I'm unsure whether this type of ranting is akin to the normal "I hate you!" or whether it is in fact more worrisome, in the sense of indicating some kind of mood disorder, psychological problems, etc. Are there any child psychologists out there who can weigh in?
On a separate but related topic, does anyone have any suggestions as to what to say/do when he says this? Thanks in advance. |
Anonymous
OP again--just to clarify since I see now that my subject heading made no sense  , there was supposed to be a slash in between behavior and language--i.e., "behavior/language."
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Anonymous
| I think it's fairly normal. 6 is a hard year behavior-wise. That said, I spent a lot of time telling my son to use his words, not his hands when angry. Then he used his words but they were words like your example! I had to grin and bear it - after all he was doing what I'd told him to!! Read the book called "Your Six Year old." that series is a good guide to normal age-related behavior. I find it reassuring. |
Anonymous
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Try to explain how bad it would be if mom and dad were dead.
Take him to an orphanage this Christmas, show him some pictures of abandoned children on the internet. He'll learn that these words don't really mean what he's feeling. Once our daughter said I HATE YOU to our sitter. She took our girl to the steps and had a "little talk" about how her life would be without her. She never said that again. |
Anonymous
I really hope this is a joke. 
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Anonymous
Child and family therapist mom here. I think that - although well-intentioned - this advice is potentially damaging. It is common for children at 7 y/o to have both the desire to "annihilate" others and the fear of annihilation as well. Magical thinking is still in effect - so there is also a belief that they can annihilate someone and then "undo" the action (snap their fingers and have them come back alive again, for instance). I would recommend that you respond to these statements by saying, with as little emotion as possible, something to the effect of, "You are very, very angry at Mommy right now. You are having very big feelings." When you have a sense that ds feels heard and appropriately mirrored by your comments back, then you can move on to telling ds that, when you're having big feelings, it's important to learn to calm down. Then you can direct ds to take a time out to calm down, letting him know that you are open to hearing more about his feelings when he is calm. That his job right now is simply to calm down. Once he has calmed down and is able to speak rationally (a still developing ability at 7 y/o), then you can talk with him about how it is not okay to talk about killing people. That it is okay and normal to have very big feelings of anger, but that there are okay and not okay ways to express that. Etc. The reason why I think the above advice is potentially damaging is that it gives validation to the 7 y/o's idea that he actually has the power to annihilate another person through his wishes and feelings. Few things are more frightening to children than having this potential power validated or to feel as though their parents are frightened of them and unable to contain their oversized emotions. Okay, now, all of that said, it is also important to address the firearms issue and make sure that ds has no access to actual weapons. Again, this is an age during which they do not yet fully comprehend the permanence of death and believe that they can undo their actions if they want to - so they are capable of shooting guns as an expression of these feelings without fully understanding the impact of doing so. Finally, if these kinds of outbursts intensify or do not resolve over time, I would recommend considering pursuing some professional assistance, just to make sure that there are no underlying factors that need to be addressed (bullying at school, abuse, depression, etc.). |
Anonymous
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18:32 again
Sorry, just re-read the post and see that ds is 6 y/o. Everything still applies, but even more so. I simply misstated his age. Best wishes to you and your ds. |
Anonymous
why? not it is not a joke. |
Anonymous
what's the damage? she called our sitter her "slave"... should I really talk nicely to her? she knows exactly what she means. |
Anonymous
I think your nanny was here the other days... or there are two families out there where the DDs called their nanny/sitter "slave". Anyhow OP - no, that is not normal/usual, especially the "gun" comment. It is normal to have those feelings, but say that to the parents or anyone else... I would mention this to his pediatrician and maybe he can refer you to someone else. |
Anonymous
She told me about this forum 
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Anonymous
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OP-- I do not know if it is normal or now at age 6 but I can tell you my son does the same thing. And this was how I handled it, which might be an awful way for all I know, but it worked and things seem to be OK. (My son is not in any way physically violent.)
I have no problems with him saying he is angry, hates me, etc. But I do have a big problem with him specifically using words like "die" and "kill", and making threats. For one thing it does weird me out, but in addition, he is in school much of the day, and -- even if he means it as a joke, or is just kidding around, (when I was his age we played "cowboys" or "cops and robbers" and of course in those days we said "Blam, blam, you're dead!") -- nowadays if kids say that in school, thehy can get suspended. So I pretty much just explained all that to him -- about the difference between playing around at home, and playing around at school, and about what could happen at school if he said it, even if he didn't mean it -- and that I didn't want him to get used to saying the word "dead" or "kill" or using as a threat -- that it was a big huge no-no, and he could say it without thinking. I taught him other words to say. (Right now he says "Prepare to meet thy doom!" or "I'm going to wipe you off the face of the planet" when he is playing.) If he is just angry, he has to say "I hate you" or better "I hate the stupid rule you are making me follow" or whatever -- in my book, the longer, the better. (And when he says stuff like that I say, "That was a little boring. Can you make a statement to show me houw angry you are, with moreinteresting words? Like, can you incorporate the word "revolting" into your criticism of my parenting style?" Which usually makes him laugh.) Also -- I told my son that if he used violent words it was a sign to me that he coudln't handle the TV he was watching (cartoons like Ben 10 and Pokemon) and I'd have to cut them off. He also occasionally plays a kind of hyper computer game at a friend's house, and I said they would have to go to, if this kind of talk continued. He really wants to play those games and watch the TV so he was able to clean up his language. Very quickly. Good luck! |
Anonymous
| A 6 year old saying I hate you to a parent is normal. Saying I wish you were dead or I wish I had a gun to shoot you is not normal. Talk to your pediatrician and consider a therapist. |
Anonymous
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OP here: many thanks to those who provided constructive advice, especially the therapist's advice and those who explained in detail how they handled a similar situation.
To the couple PPs who didn't offer advice but just stated with no background that it isn't normal, may I please ask on what basis you are saying that? Is it just that you have not heard it said before, or do you have actual factual evidence that it isn't normal? Not criticizing--I ask because the therapist who posted here implied that it is not out of the range of normal, as did a therapist friend in real life whom I asked. While it was reassuring to hear them say that, I do still wonder about it. (Call me an obsessive worrier, LOL.) So if either of the posters who said it isn't normal could please explain why they said that with evidence, that would be great. (I ask for evidence because I'm less convinced by gut reactions like "gee, my child doesn't do that nor do my sister's or friends' kids, therefore it can't be normal." All of you just may have easier-going kids, LOL; our child is many wonderful things, but easy isn't one of them.) I'm not interested in anecdotes, but clinical facts if possible. Thanks.
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Anonymous
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Hi, counselor here and mother of a child who says this. It IS normal. They are expressing frustration and trying to push buttons with these BIG words! I do not take the bait. The PP who said to say "sounds like you are angry" is something I do. I just listen and empathize. When my son sees that he is not getting a rise out of me, but I am not totally ignoring him either, he stops. Don't worry OP! It will pass, it is just a taste of their teen years!
And the troll is on this thread. Everyone, please ignore an poster who seems insane. That person is! |