Girls Excluding Others

[Anonymous]

I know it is fine here as long as "its not your child", but really, it is heartbreaking to watch. I see the SAME 2-4 girls (depending on the combination that day) doing it to the same girl, for no reason, every time. The girl it is done to is not my child, but like I said, it is really heartbreaking. I know the parents (on both sides) know about it. Again, it seems very clear they are happy to pretend ignorance, as long it is not "their child" being shut out. Helpful, productive suggestions on how to help this girl would be appreciated. The family and parents are really sweet, nice, smart people. I swear some other families are just jealous of them.

[Anonymous]

The parents of the child being left out need to speak up. That's the bottom line... Unless you want to fight their battle. If so, speak up on behalf of the child being left out.

[Anonymous]

Can you give any other details? Age range? Big school, small school?

[Anonymous]

OP, it would help to know a little more. Since you see this frequently and seem to know a lot about the kids, are you--a teacher? A Girl Scout leader? Someone in some kind of relationship with these kids, like an instructor or coach or volunteer parent in some extracurricular (or in-school) activity in which all three participate?

I'm just trying to figure out (a) how you observe this and (b) whether you are in a position where you can say, "I see this and you need to be aware of your actions and stop them." If this were my GS troop we'd be nipping it in the bud right away like that, believe me. It might be a bit harder if you're observing it from the sidelines of other activities where if you say something you might make it worse.

It may be that the girl being excluded needs a push toward just doing without the other two and going off to do her own thing with another set of kids, if this is purely social. In that case, the excluded girl might be the one to work with, to direct her toward better friends in that situation/class/meeting/whatever.

Or it may be a situation where these three are required to be together or work together (team project? sports team? dance class where they have to work together?....) and then a talk to the other two might be required.

[Anonymous]

Yeah. Girls do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you give any other details? Age range? Big school, small school?

You know "the details" really don't matter. Girls do this no matter the age or size of school. My guess is that it's elementary based on what OP said.

OP, if you have a DD in the in-group would she be willing to have the excluded girl over for a one-on-one play date?

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the responses thus far. DD has tried, and they have fun together. It is not without backlash from the other girls, which DD seems to dismiss. DD spends time with the singled out friend and the group friends separately.

Truth be told, some of the moms seem to encourage, as part of the "as long as its not my kid" mentality. You better believe there would be an enormous, blown up issue if it was their kid left out! HUGE! That is not as much my concern as the DD being left out, however.

Yes, they are elementary school. Frankly, some of the girls involved are mean and disrespectful. I do not let DD know that I think this. The girl that is left out is personable, social and seems to be a good kid. I would prefer this for DD, given the choice. But I am not one to helicopter or try to control every aspect of when my child sneezes. Clearly that does a child no good. I am concerned that this is just meanness gone awry, and I don't want it to escalate (for the friends sake).

I tell DD that she doesn't have to like (everyone) but she does have to be nice to (everyone).

For obvious reasons, I feel too many details are not pertinent to the issue at hand, and would serve the wrong purpose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the responses thus far. DD has tried, and they have fun together. It is not without backlash from the other girls, which DD seems to dismiss. DD spends time with the singled out friend and the group friends separately.

Truth be told, some of the moms seem to encourage, as part of the "as long as its not my kid" mentality. You better believe there would be an enormous, blown up issue if it was their kid left out! HUGE! That is not as much my concern as the DD being left out, however.

Yes, they are elementary school. Frankly, some of the girls involved are mean and disrespectful. I do not let DD know that I think this. The girl that is left out is personable, social and seems to be a good kid. I would prefer this for DD, given the choice. But I am not one to helicopter or try to control every aspect of when my child sneezes. Clearly that does a child no good. I am concerned that this is just meanness gone awry, and I don't want it to escalate (for the friends sake).

I tell DD that she doesn't have to like (everyone) but she does have to be nice to (everyone).

For obvious reasons, I feel too many details are not pertinent to the issue at hand, and would serve the wrong purpose.

How old is your DD? I let my DD know my opinions on this. I throw her peers under the bus when need be, because I believe I need to teach my DD what bad behavior looks like, and that you ARE judging the behavior. I think you'd done a nice job in teaching your DD to be kind to this girl…unless your DD is a huge chatterbox, you can tell her. This way you can teach her about the mean games that girls play, and how to protect herself and her friends.

I told DD1 stuff when she was in 1st grade. I had to explain why a particular kid was allowed to behave badly with no consequences (spoiled kid, mom with victimization complex, and the school would look the other way if mom gave a substantial donation. We've since moved schools) However I have a very chatty DD2 that is now in 3rd and only now can I tell her things because she didn't have a filter before.

I'm glad you care, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the responses thus far. DD has tried, and they have fun together. It is not without backlash from the other girls, which DD seems to dismiss. DD spends time with the singled out friend and the group friends separately.

Truth be told, some of the moms seem to encourage, as part of the "as long as its not my kid" mentality. You better believe there would be an enormous, blown up issue if it was their kid left out! HUGE! That is not as much my concern as the DD being left out, however.

Yes, they are elementary school. Frankly, some of the girls involved are mean and disrespectful. I do not let DD know that I think this. The girl that is left out is personable, social and seems to be a good kid. I would prefer this for DD, given the choice. But I am not one to helicopter or try to control every aspect of when my child sneezes. Clearly that does a child no good. I am concerned that this is just meanness gone awry, and I don't want it to escalate (for the friends sake).

I tell DD that she doesn't have to like (everyone) but she does have to be nice to (everyone).

For obvious reasons, I feel too many details are not pertinent to the issue at hand, and would serve the wrong purpose.

Are you talking about a group of school friends? If it is a performing arts group you are talking about, I fear it may be my daughter who you are talking about being left out. The situation just sounds so familiar.

[Anonymous]

Your DD is a smart cookie. I'm glad she dismisses whatever "backlash" she gets from the mean girls. Please try to keep up the solo play dates with the outsider kid if they get along. It doesn't surprise me one bit that some parents foster the cattiness factor. Sad but many (if not most) mean girls don't grow up.

[Anonymous]

Not sure why you're not giving your opinion on this behavior. If it's ignored by adults, it continues.

Agree that most parents seem to think it's OK so long as their own kid is not the target.

[Anonymous]

Why does this girl seek out the company of these few girls? She needs to learn to not put up with these girls. There have got to be plenty of other girls to hang-out with, no? Why not?

[Anonymous]

^ if not, the school is too damn small

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the responses thus far. DD has tried, and they have fun together. It is not without backlash from the other girls, which DD seems to dismiss. DD spends time with the singled out friend and the group friends separately.

Truth be told, some of the moms seem to encourage, as part of the "as long as its not my kid" mentality. You better believe there would be an enormous, blown up issue if it was their kid left out! HUGE! That is not as much my concern as the DD being left out, however.

Yes, they are elementary school. Frankly, some of the girls involved are mean and disrespectful. I do not let DD know that I think this. The girl that is left out is personable, social and seems to be a good kid. I would prefer this for DD, given the choice. But I am not one to helicopter or try to control every aspect of when my child sneezes. Clearly that does a child no good. I am concerned that this is just meanness gone awry, and I don't want it to escalate (for the friends sake).

I tell DD that she doesn't have to like (everyone) but she does have to be nice to (everyone).

For obvious reasons, I feel too many details are not pertinent to the issue at hand, and would serve the wrong purpose.

Are you talking about a group of school friends? If it is a performing arts group you are talking about, I fear it may be my daughter who you are talking about being left out. The situation just sounds so familiar.

There is a .000001% chance that it is your daughter. This happens in every school, every Brownie troop, on every softball team, and in every dance troop. Girls (and women) and just plain mean and vindictive and will do anything to hurt each other. It's their nature.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the singled-out girl's parents are not aware of the situation??