DH does not tolerate disagreement

[Anonymous]

I am always trying to choose my words carefully, neutrally--a lot of "I don't see it that way" or "from my perspective, it makes more sense to to XYZ"--and yet if I do not agree with him on something he gets angry, passive aggressive or aggressive and claims I am always "dismissing him." He will then pick fights or harangue me until I've lost my cool and start screaming back, if I do not pull it together enough to walk away.

Let me also state that he has no problem telling me not simply that he disagrees but in fact that "I'm WRONG" (a phrase I hear a lot--no, you're wrong, rather than "I don't see it that way.").

He's always been contentious but its horrible now, and frequent. We have two young children. We tried counseling, but it didn't really work and was a huge money pit. He never did any of the exercises we were supposed to do (listening, mirroring) and was too stressed by the time/money commitment.

[Anonymous]

Read up on IMAGO communicating. He seems to have some significant trama issues, maybe fear. What do you know of his childhood?

[Anonymous]

9:10 here. I'd also try to avoid getting into much of any discussions with the children around. His behavior would be a horrible example for them to learn.

[Anonymous]

Dump him and find someone who isn't a total loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dump him and find someone who isn't a total loser.

How helpful. That will be easy, given that they are married and have two children.

[Anonymous]

Similar to my DH, will easily make claims about how wrong I was in every choice I made and should have just listened to him, also claims how he is right always (he says he jokes sometimes, but I can never tell)
And when it is obvious he was wrong, he will dismiss it as saying one has to try to know the outcome, so it not really a bad choice.

I agree with PP that his childhood and how he was raised is probably the primary reason. My DH claims he was neglected by his mom in favor of his younger brother and it is true she did hit him.
I am not sure if they can even be changed. His father is also the same.

It did become unbearable last year and even now at times. I just walk away when these things bubble up. Sometimes he will come back later and see my point, otherwise I just do my own thing.
Sorry no other advice from me, but would love to hear what others say.

[Anonymous]

He's insecure. In his mind, maybe being wrong=inadequate, not good enough, stupid, etc. So he feels better about himself when he proves that he's right. I'm guessing he doesn't do this with other people, only you? (As you'd be the easiest target as his wife and avoiding him isn't exactly easy at this point in your life married to him with two small children.) If he were secure in himself, he'd say, you're right, so be it, pat you on the back for being so smart and move on from there because he wouldn't need to lick any wounds caused by being wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am always trying to choose my words carefully, neutrally--a lot of "I don't see it that way" or "from my perspective, it makes more sense to to XYZ"--and yet if I do not agree with him on something he gets angry, passive aggressive or aggressive and claims I am always "dismissing him." He will then pick fights or harangue me until I've lost my cool and start screaming back, if I do not pull it together enough to walk away.

Let me also state that he has no problem telling me not simply that he disagrees but in fact that "I'm WRONG" (a phrase I hear a lot--no, you're wrong, rather than "I don't see it that way.").

He's always been contentious but its horrible now, and frequent. We have two young children. We tried counseling, but it didn't really work and was a huge money pit. He never did any of the exercises we were supposed to do (listening, mirroring) and was too stressed by the time/money commitment.

He doesn't want to change. At least, that is what it sounds like.

What was he like in these situations before you got married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dump him and find someone who isn't a total loser.

+ 1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dump him and find someone who isn't a total loser.

+ 1.

Agreed. From an old, wise DH. He won't change.