Anyone else have an older parent with no filter?
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Anonymous
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My mom is in her 70's. She is in great health but for the last couple of years she just says whatever pops into her head. I think she feels it is OK to say whatever she wants since she has reached a certain age. She will also send a mass email to her children with any discourse she has and wait for a reply.
It is weird and sometimes hurtful. I have tried to explain to her in a nice way about my feelings but she still does it. It is like she can't help herself. I do not reply to the emails and try and ignore them. She then asks why I did not reply. My fear is one day I will do this to my kids. |
Anonymous
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My dad got this way. He would sit around all day watching Fox News and then call me up and scream at me for being a liberal peppered with extreme profanity. It almost ended our relationship. I told him that I was not reading his emails anymore either.
My mother, on the other hand, never has had a filter. I am pretty sure she was a mean girl growing up. |
Anonymous
| My mom does this, but has always been like this so don't think it is a sign of dementia in her case. |
Anonymous
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My mother was always very reserved and pretty sweet natured. She had a stroke at 70 and that led to loosened verbal inhibitions. It has gotten more pronounced over the past 13 years, and she has also become much more obstinate. In the grocery store she won't move her cart out of someone's way until she has found exactly what she was looking for, etc. That behavior would have shocked her 15 years ago. She has fallen off of her bed a couple of times, couldn't get up, and not only wouldn't call for help but claimed that she meant to be sitting on the floor when my sister found her, and refused help for hours. I hate to call her a pain in the ass, but....
She is a totally different person than she used to be, and what makes me the most sad about it is that she would have greatly disliked who she is now. |
Anonymous
| perhaps a mild stroke, OP? (i'm serious) Because it's new behavior. |
Anonymous
What is with having Fox News on all day? My folks do the same thing! One reason I don't visit as often. |
Anonymous
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I don't think my father has ever had a filter. But he is particularly unfiltered with his kids. He somehow feels the need to point out every imperfection he can find in us.
Short visits, and when he starts talking about the latest Fox News story, I say I'm too tired to talk. |
Anonymous
OP, please heed this. My first thought was an early red flag for some form of dementia and as PP above says, consider a mini-stroke as well. You seem to be just assuming that this is down to aging and that aging somehow made her lose her "filter" but a small change in personality like this is so often a very early indicator of something else, including Alzheimer's. Doctors can detect that earlier and earlier now. If she would be willing, I'd take her to get her checked out. She may resist it -- which is also classic in people who are in early (or sometimes in any) stages of a dementia. I know or knew several older people who ended up with Alzheimer's and they all, in varying ways, tended to "lose their filter"and it was taken initially as just getting old and not caring any more what they said to others. The doctors said it's pretty typical for that to happen and to be misinterpreted. Might not be the case with your mom but why not find out so that treatment can start if it's needed? |
Anonymous
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My 63 year old mother has become more and more like this, but in her case I feel it has been worsening very slowly for years. Every year, she's just a little more addlepated and filterless. I can't stand more than a 2 week visit with her. |
Anonymous
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OP here: My mom is really fit, takes no meds and has a lot of friends. She is active in her community and travels with my dad.
She told me once while we were shopping that the great thing about getting older is to just "let it fly". Maybe she is right. We should all just "let it fly". |
Anonymous
"Mom, when you let it fly, remember that someone else gets hit by the shrapnel. You seem to believe that age gives you a pass on being polite or kind, but put the filter back on around me and my family. I love you and I am not used to being your collateral damage when you let it fly. I'm telling you clearly that you are hurting me but you are either not listening or not caring. Why?" and don't let her get away with brushing it off. Tell her the "Why" is a real question and you will sit right there waiting for a real answer. Age is no excuse for being rude or hurtful. If she is really OK and is making a conscious choice to be hurtful in the alleged name of being "frank and direct," she deserves to hear that she is going to alienate you for what is left of her life. There are people who make a great virtue of being "honest" when what they actually are doing is using their "honesty" as a cover for being cruel. (And I do wonder if despite her overall good health there is something going on mentally -- the tragedy of dementia is that it can leave the body in great shape while it eats the mind. The fact that she is not on any meds, is still fine to travel etc. means very little in terms of whether this might be a very early sign of dementia. The fact she announced that she likes having no filter says it's probably not, but I'd still keep an eye out for changes to her behavior and personality that will have no connection to her overall health, which could remain good.) |
Anonymous
| My mom does this. I want to invite a friend and her son for Thanksgiving, but I'm afraid that even if I tell her not to, she will say something about the "bas...d" kid. She would actually use that word, too. |
Anonymous
| I am pretty sure, if it is a new behavior in old age, it is one of the early signs of Alzheimer's. Of course some folks just decide they don't care anymore and stop filtering, but I'd recommend ruling out Alzheimer's or a stroke as PP suggested |