Boundaries

[Anonymous]

By nature I'm a very private person. I have many friends, but I'm very careful about who I confide in. I feel like my friends know me and understand me, and pick up my cues about what's ok and not okay to discuss. As an adult, I feel entitled to my privacy (no Facebook or Twitter for me!). I do open up, but only carefully and after real trust has been built. So here's my question: a close relative just moved in nearby and, as she's new to town, I've been helping her settle in. She is a really nice, caring person and we've always gotten along. However, she seems to have developed boundary issues that are wrecking our relationship. She constantly asks me personal private questions about my husband my inlaws my friends my job my husbands job, things that I think most ppl would find nosy. Ice tried changing the topic, deflecting and being vague. The problem is also that the questions come from left field and I'm always caught off guard...eg nice weather! Making burgers for dinner. How much do you get paid an hour? Nothing is working, the questions keep coming and I'm feeling very resentful at the invasion of my privacy. I'm thinking of just telling her straight out that I'm not going to answer every question she asks me, but I'm afraid she will be seriously hurt and the repercussions will be far reaching. I'm also wondering if it's possible she's developed an impulsivity issue that shows itself by asking inappropriate questions. Any thoughts or advice?

[Anonymous]

It may be that you have surrounded yourself with people who, like you, are very private, so they understand at their core how you feel about privacy. Or your relative may be a nosy parker.

I do think having a talk with your relative may be in order, but would phrase it as your issue rather than hers, which is a way of always making people not be on the defensive.

"Larla, I can understand being curious about a relative you've reconnected with but I'm a really private person. I am simply not comfortable answering personal questions about all these things, even though I really DO like spending time with you. I hope you're not offended and still want to spend time together."

Then give her some time to digest that.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks for the thoughtful advice. That just might work. I'll practice in front if the mirror first so that I make sure as I'm saying the words that I'm not looking like I'm going to strangle her.

[Anonymous]

Try emailing it to her.

[Anonymous]

Emails are a cop out. Plus she can read it again and again and still never get it. Body language and tone are very important in these kinds of exchanges.

[Anonymous]

OP, you say you are really careful about who you confide in -- so what is the issue?

Did you expect that you would get a warning light "PERSONAL QUESTION COMING!!!!" If you are really careful about personal information, then you are really careful --- all the time, in every situation.

Just. Say. No. When someone asks you about your salary, sex life, religion, birth control, children's conception, whatever -- "Oh, I don't discuss that." Period.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PPs that you'll probably have to tell her that you're more private than she is and that you're uncomfortable when people ask questions about things you consider private. It'll be a little awkward, but you can try to keep it short and then start talking about something else, like how happy you are she's moved near you.

After that, if she asks something you don't want to answer, responding "that's classified!" and smile or laugh, or respond saying "well, you know how private I am!" and smile or laugh. Rinse and repeat. "Why do you ask?" is another way to respond, and whatever she says will give you a chance to move the conversation on without answering.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Why do you ask is a great response and will help me push off the inevitable conversation. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Yes. Her answer to "why do you ask" may give you the ability to answer her real question without divulging your personal information. For example the question about how much money you earn may really be a question about how much money people in your field of work earn, or about how salaries in the DC area compare to where she used to live, and not really about you personally.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hear you. Some people have serious boundary issues, and even as grown adults, see nothing wrong in asking personal questions. IMO, money and sex are off limits, and some people just push to be an a&&hole.

I personally hate the making faces or "why do you ask" question, because I feel its playing their games, and games are for those who don't know any better. But I have been caught off guard by the same people and limiting contact or responding the same "I don't know" (playing dumb) has worked for me. Maybe, if she is not too dense, she will get the hint.

That, and you could ask if they know what "cojones" means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Why do you ask is a great response and will help me push off the inevitable conversation. Thanks!

Disagree that "why do you ask?" is a great response. When people ask me why I'm asking something I look at them like they're stupid and answer that I'm curious. Duh. That's why anyone asks anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Why do you ask is a great response and will help me push off the inevitable conversation. Thanks!

Disagree that "why do you ask?" is a great response. When people ask me why I'm asking something I look at them like they're stupid and answer that I'm curious. Duh. That's why anyone asks anything.

I would like to suggest that your "I'm curious" response is a lot less great than the "why do you ask?" question. Of course in most circumstances that is going to be PART of why you asked a particular question, but usually not ALL of why. For an example, see above where I said that the real reason for asking about salary might have nothing to do with wanting to know the person's personal salary. But your response does nothing to help the other person in the conversation know what additional, if any, motivation you had beyond curiosity.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree with others that you should just talk to her and say much of what you say about yourself in your post. "By nature I'm a very private person. I don't like facebook or twitter, I don't tend to share a great deal, and that's just who I am. But I am so glad to have you nearby and really enjoy your company. I just realized that even though we're closely related we really don't know each other that well. So i didn't want to take the fact that I'm unusually private personally - it's just who I am."

Or soemthing like that... Sounds like you're new enough in building this relationship with her that you can establish some guidelines that aren't hurtful in any way but let you make it clear that you just tend to be much more private by nature.