Advice for taking the high road

[Anonymous]

My ex has shown little interest in our DD since he left a few years ago. He is pretty selfish and only seems interested in our DD when he is bored (for lack of a better word). He has a revolving door of women in and out of his life. Luckily, he lives far away so our DD isn't really subject to them. Last year, one of these women became pregnant and had his baby. My DD doesn't know about the baby and I decided not to tell her. Her dad told her that he was coming at XMAS (he hasn't been here at XMAS in years) so she got very excited. I wish he hadn't told her b/c I found out the other day that he decided to take his vacation and visit his girlfriend and the baby instead. I am just so angry that he told our DD he was coming and now he won't be here. I never tell her that he is coming to visit until he is almost here. My own father was the same way so I know how my DD will feel and it kills me. She is 9 yrs old and it isn't like she is 2 yrs old and I can distract her. Any advice for how to tell her? My mom died a few years ago or I would ask her what she told me when my dad wouldn't show up. I remember the feeling of standing at the end of the driveway with my suitcase and watching the cars go by. Any advice for what to say to my ex without losing it?

[Anonymous]

Tell your ex to tell her himself.

Then OP, I strongly suggest therapy for you to look deeper at why you picked a father for your child who is just like the father you had, and what you can do for your DD so she does not continue the cycle with her own children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your ex to tell her himself.

Then OP, I strongly suggest therapy for you to look deeper at why you picked a father for your child who is just like the father you had, and what you can do for your DD so she does not continue the cycle with her own children.

Well aren't you a peach. Do you always kick people when they're down?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell your ex to tell her himself.

Then OP, I strongly suggest therapy for you to look deeper at why you picked a father for your child who is just like the father you had, and what you can do for your DD so she does not continue the cycle with her own children.

Well aren't you a peach. Do you always kick people when they're down?

What? She asked how to tell her daughter. I answered her, and added in some advice in keeping this from becoming a third-generation problem.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry. He is a selfish scum to do that to your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell your ex to tell her himself.

Then OP, I strongly suggest therapy for you to look deeper at why you picked a father for your child who is just like the father you had, and what you can do for your DD so she does not continue the cycle with her own children.

Well aren't you a peach. Do you always kick people when they're down?

What? She asked how to tell her daughter. I answered her, and added in some advice in keeping this from becoming a third-generation problem.

Don't you think she already knows that idiot? You pointing it out with your "advice" at a moment when this is most pronounced is just shitty. Perhaps you should get some therapy about that stick up your ass.

[Anonymous]

10:04 here. What kind of upbringing did he come from, OP?
Again, I am sorry he is doing this selfish behavior.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I know I made a poor choice in men but he wasn't always like this. Maybe he had a "mid life crisis" or whatever you want to call it. He used to be a devoted father and a good husband. Then, he became depressed and it was like he was a different person. He left and hasn't really been the same since. I've sheltered my DD from most of his behavior (dating and dumping women, etc) and I am just upset that he made a promise to my DD that he isn't going to keep. She already has plans about what to do when he visits (ice skating, movies, etc). I know I am lucky that I don't have to subject her to this through frequent visits but I am so angry that he told her this on the phone and then thinks nothing of cancelling on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She already has plans about what to do when he visits (ice skating, movies, etc).

I hope that your DD learns that he will not be showing up for Christmas soon. It seems to me that having her live with such anticipation for a period of several weeks and then saying "Oh, sorry, he's not going to be here tomorrow" would be far worse than her knowing not that he will not be showing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell your ex to tell her himself.

Then OP, I strongly suggest therapy for you to look deeper at why you picked a father for your child who is just like the father you had, and what you can do for your DD so she does not continue the cycle with her own children.

Well aren't you a peach. Do you always kick people when they're down?

What? She asked how to tell her daughter. I answered her, and added in some advice in keeping this from becoming a third-generation problem.

Don't you think she already knows that idiot? You pointing it out with your "advice" at a moment when this is most pronounced is just shitty. Perhaps you should get some therapy about that stick up your ass.

I have no way of knowing what OP knows unless she tells us. It would be nice to think YOU know better than to name-call, but apparently you don't. Some people think therapy is only for very extreme cases, or come from cultures where talking about problems is not done outside the family. OP is free to take the suggestion or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell your ex to tell her himself.

Then OP, I strongly suggest therapy for you to look deeper at why you picked a father for your child who is just like the father you had, and what you can do for your DD so she does not continue the cycle with her own children.

Well aren't you a peach. Do you always kick people when they're down?

I don't think this person necessarily said it the best way, but I do agree the OP should at least think about whether or not she'd benefit from therapy. Of course, it sounds like she's been separated from the ex for quite some time, so maybe the therapy has already occurred. I think part of why this post rubs the wrong way is that it appears to assume the OP can't figure out on her own if therapy is needed.

In any event, that isn't the question OP asked. Having the ex tell the DC himself is a great idea... if he'll do it. But if not, or even just if he'll delay doing it, the DC deserves to be told so she can adjust her expectations sooner rather than later. The OP has experience waiting in the driveway with a suitcase. That's horrible. I hope it is not literal. Even if OP's mom fully expected the dad to show, she probably could have waited in the house rather than in the driveway. But it does demonstrate that the OP's DC should be told as soon as possible so she isn't left waiting, regardless of the fact that she isn't standing out in the driveway just yet.

OP, you are in a difficult situation. You ex will probably continue to disappoint your child, and he'll probably continue to put you in the middle and you'll have to be the one to relay the message. In a few years, your daughter will have figured out the pattern, but lots of kids at 9 yrs old will still think that this time will be different. When you have to relay stuff like this to your daughter, just keep it as short and factual as possible. Something like "your father told me that his plans have changed so he won't be here at xmas time afterall". No judgements, no explanations. Let her form her own conclusions, and if she has questions, suggest she ask him.

As far as what to say to your ex, well, I'd also keep that as short and nonconfrontational as possible. You can't change him. He'll either decide to change himself or he won't. And don't waste your time trying to educate him about how much this hurts his daughter. If he cares enough that he would put in the effort to change his ways, I'm sure he's smart enough to figure that out by himself. Hearing it from you is not going to make him start caring.

[Anonymous]

OP back again. I told my DD today as I didn't want to delay it. I just said that her dad's plans had changed and he wouldn't be able to come. She was upset but she said we could do some things together anyway. I did do a few months of therapy years ago but it got to be $$ quick (my insurance wouldn't cover it and I don't have much $ as a single mother anyway). Yes, I really was outside waiting for my dad as a little kid. I remember it. My mom did try her best to make us feel better when he wouldn't show up and I am sure he did it more than I remember. As for my ex, I will eventually tell him that what he did shouldn't happen in the future and why. He was pretty good about not saying anything to our DD until he was on his way here. I have no idea why he decided to tell her this time.

[Anonymous]

Is there any sort of written agreement about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there any sort of written agreement about this?

his visiting, that is

[Anonymous]

No because he lives on the other coast and travels nearly all of the time for work. The travel is unpredictable too so a schedule wouldn't work.