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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Tell your ex to tell her himself.

Then OP, I strongly suggest therapy for you to look deeper at why you picked a father for your child who is just like the father you had, and what you can do for your DD so she does not continue the cycle with her own children.[/quote]

Well aren't you a peach. Do you always kick people when they're down?[/quote]

I don't think this person necessarily said it the best way, but I do agree the OP should at least think about whether or not she'd benefit from therapy.  Of course, it sounds like she's been separated from the ex for quite some time, so maybe the therapy has already occurred.  I think part of why this post rubs the wrong way is that it appears to assume the OP can't figure out on her own if therapy is needed.

In any event, that isn't the question OP asked.  Having the ex tell the DC himself is a great idea... if he'll do it.  But if not, or even just if he'll delay doing it, the DC deserves to be told so she can adjust her expectations sooner rather than later.  The OP has experience waiting in the driveway with a suitcase.  That's horrible.  I hope it is not literal.  Even if OP's mom fully expected the dad to show, she probably could have waited in the house rather than in the driveway.  But it does demonstrate that the OP's DC should be told as soon as possible so she isn't left waiting, regardless of the fact that she isn't standing out in the driveway just yet.

OP, you are in a difficult situation.  You ex will probably continue to disappoint your child, and he'll probably continue to put you in the middle and you'll have to be the one to relay the message.  In a few years, your daughter will have figured out the pattern, but lots of kids at 9 yrs old will still think that this time will be different.  When you have to relay stuff like this to your daughter, just keep it as short and factual as possible.  Something like "your father told me that his plans have changed so he won't be here at xmas time afterall".  No judgements, no explanations.  Let her form her own conclusions, and if she has questions, suggest she ask him.

As far as what to say to your ex, well, I'd also keep that as short and nonconfrontational as possible.  You can't change him.  He'll either decide to change himself or he won't.  And don't waste your time trying to educate him about how much this hurts his daughter.  If he cares enough that he would put in the effort to change his ways, I'm sure he's smart enough to figure that out by himself.  Hearing it from you is not going to make him start caring.[/quote]

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