Family and holidays - this maybe long sorry

[Anonymous]

OK I will try to keep it short but to give the back story it may get a little long

My family is not one of those close families at all, though I am the only one living far away from my family (different state). But my siblings and parents (and step parents) all live within miles of each other and never see each other. I may call my mother once ever two months (or longer). My youngest sister and I facebook a little, mostly just liking each others posts. The rest of my siblings not so much. For extended family on my dads side due to my parents divorce early on I do not know my uncles or cousins at all. On my moms side I visited my aunt some as a little kid and my uncle once (when I was 8). But my moms family was never close, well it was mostly my mom. Guess she didn't get along with them.

So now I have been living far from my family for a while - which is fine. I have only been home once. I have friends I consider family - we have know each other for 15 years. We spend holidays together, vacation together, dinners, etc. I am not married and have no children, but they do so I am like the aunt.

My mom in one of our calls mentioned that her sister, my aunt, is now living close to me. I was like what? than says my cousin also lives here? I asked how long. She said they just moved and that my cousin is now married and has a kid. I asked for their phone numbers. My mom misplaced them and said when her sister calls she will get it again. Well 6 months later she found it!
So I first text my aunt (it was an out of state number so I figured it was a cell). For almost week I got nothing. Than a text back. We planned to talk on the phone the next night. Well she never called. Finally texting saying she had to work late. We did finally talk a few days later, but it was for about 10 mins. But in the past month we have not talked at all. Now we did find each other on facebook (yeah facebook) and also her husband. So we do the like each other post sometimes her husband likes or comments on my posts. We have not met at all, even though I suggested us meeting for coffee or lunch. She brushed it off that she only has one day off (Sunday she spends time with her grandchild).

Ok now my aunt said we should do Xmas together. I gave a weary yeah we will see. But it is stressing me out. Her husband mentioned it on facebook - see you at Xmas. I don't mind seeing them. I haven't seen them in almost 20 years - so whatever. Its that I already do things with my "family" (my friends I mentioned above). Its a whole day of presents, food, resting, going to the movies and than eating more - you know the good stuff. It has been like this for 15 years. My aunt and her family live an hour (with no traffic) from me and I am just thinking how can I do this. How can I do both. From what I remember she is one of those that does up the house for the meal and everyone dresses up (guys in khakis and button ups etc). That is just not fun to me. My holidays are laid back, enjoying each other and having a good time laughing. Not worring if the drinks will spill or the food will burn. Ok that sounds bad. I know its not all about fun. I guess I don't want to miss Xmas with my family and miss what the kids faces are like and I don't want to hurt my aunts feelings.
I have never had to split my time for any holiday, so this is all weird to me. How do others do it? How do you make sure you don't miss something? I really just want to tell her lets meet the day after or maybe the day before? Why does it have to be on Xmas?

[Anonymous]

Just tell her you can't make it and suggest a different day for a holiday get-together. It's pretty simple. Considering you haven't seen her in 20 years and she has been blowing off your requests to get together, I don't think her feelings will be hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell her you can't make it and suggest a different day for a holiday get-together. It's pretty simple. Considering you haven't seen her in 20 years and she has been blowing off your requests to get together, I don't think her feelings will be hurt.

+1

[Anonymous]

Yes, just tell her that you have long-standing plans on Christmas Day. But that you would you absolutely love to get together Christmas Eve, or the day after, whatever. Tell her you would be happy to have her over to your place, or go to her place, whichever she would prefer. Or meet at a restaurant.

[Anonymous]

Just invite them to a portion of your christmas day. Have them meet you at the movies or something.

[Anonymous]

thank you everyone.


I really don't know why I am stressing about it. Its not like it's a bit deal.

But I will set her know. Maybe she will have a little get together for christmas eve? That sounds nice or I can have one?

thanks again!

[Anonymous]

Go see them another day during the Christmas season.

[Anonymous]

Xmas is a bit of a loaded holiday for a first time meeting. I would suggest something after the holidays in guise of not being so busy / distracted / stressed out.

Sounds like your family doesn't communicate well; how much do you really want to stay connected to your Aunt?

While I have kids and in-laws I am only close to my twin sister in my nuclear family; I tried for a few years to connect to my Aunts (Dad's sisters) but ultimately came to realize they had / have their own lives.

I'm OK with that.

I vote for sticking with your friends.

[Anonymous]

Thanks again (OP here)

I am not sure if we will ever connect or be close. I saw that my aunt was friends on Facebook with my uncle (my mom and aunts brother) I sent him a message like hi, how wonderful his children look, amazed they are already old enough to be looking at colleges, the aunt x and I actually live near each other etc etc.
I nothing back.

Come to find out that my aunt and uncle have done family reunions for years, even when I was little and my mom and us kids were not on the invite list. They still do these reunions each taking turns hosting (my uncle lives in CT). As my grandparents died a long time ago its the spouses parents that come, spouse siblings on both sides (except my mom) come.

I seriously don't know what went on years ago between my mom, her siblings and her parents and why years later does it matter.

[Anonymous]

*got nothing back*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Xmas is a bit of a loaded holiday for a first time meeting. I would suggest something after the holidays in guise of not being so busy / distracted / stressed out.

Sounds like your family doesn't communicate well; how much do you really want to stay connected to your Aunt?

While I have kids and in-laws I am only close to my twin sister in my nuclear family; I tried for a few years to connect to my Aunts (Dad's sisters) but ultimately came to realize they had / have their own lives.

I'm OK with that.

I vote for sticking with your friends.

No we do not communicate well at all.

When I was 11 my mom handed me a one way ticket to go live with my dad who I last saw when I was 6! He was recently remarried for the 3rd time. I never went to any weddings for my dad. Didn't see or talk to my mom again til I 17 - when she finally called and told me she had been remarried (for a year) and vacationed to Florida (where I was at the time) for years. And her and her husband loved Florida spending months there (though she never reached out to me).

Every family is different!!! Some are suckier than others

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Xmas is a bit of a loaded holiday for a first time meeting. I would suggest something after the holidays in guise of not being so busy / distracted / stressed out.

Sounds like your family doesn't communicate well; how much do you really want to stay connected to your Aunt?

While I have kids and in-laws I am only close to my twin sister in my nuclear family; I tried for a few years to connect to my Aunts (Dad's sisters) but ultimately came to realize they had / have their own lives.

I'm OK with that.

I vote for sticking with your friends.

No we do not communicate well at all.

When I was 11 my mom handed me a one way ticket to go live with my dad who I last saw when I was 6! He was recently remarried for the 3rd time. I never went to any weddings for my dad. Didn't see or talk to my mom again til I 17 - when she finally called and told me she had been remarried (for a year) and vacationed to Florida (where I was at the time) for years. And her and her husband loved Florida spending months there (though she never reached out to me).

Every family is different!!! Some are suckier than others

Yours sucked royally - truly terrible. I'm so sorry you got the short end of the parenting stick. I am imagining you as an eleven year old girl and feel very sad for what you went through. Kudos to you for creating a healthy family and village of your own with your friends - I really admire that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My holidays are laid back, enjoying each other and having a good time laughing. Not worring if the drinks will spill or the food will burn. Ok that sounds bad. /quote]

Actually, no. That sounds AWESOME.

Go and have fun the way you have been--you deserve it!!!!

[Anonymous]

I think your aunt is probably trying to be nice by suggesting you meet up on Christmas. Like bet she won't mind if you tell her you have other plans. And I agree that it would be nice if you tried to meet up another day instead.