Parents - please check in with your kids

[Anonymous]

about their mental health.

I am a professor and am seeing a real increase in students at this time of year who are struggling with stress, depression, anxiety and eating disorders. Some are self-harming, some are having suicidal thoughts, others are at the point of a mental health breakdown. I have had 3 students in tears in my office last week, all managing socially and academically but not mental health wise. A couple others the week before whose academics were suffering. They are too scared to tell their parents that they aren't doing okay - feeling incredible pressure from themselves to do well and to be able to handle the stress of school. They don't want to add stress or burden parents and often feel their parents have already supported them so much that they feel guilty asking for more support. While not all have great parents, I know many of the parents of these students would be there to support their child if they knew.

So when asking them about school, please check in on their stress and how they feel they are handling it. Ask about feelings of emptiness, numbness, constant irritability, feeling overwhelmed, anxiety etc... Let them know it is okay to not be okay. Also many are supporting classmates dealing with these issues as well, and are stressed by that responsibility so find out if they are feeling that stress.

[Anonymous]

What do you recommend we tell them to help, when geographically we're so far away?

[Anonymous]

I suffered from extreme depression and anxiety in college, but I never would have brought it up with my parents. I had a suicide plan in place, but never acted on it. I did drop out for the semester without their knowledge after I couldn't get myself out of my apartment for days on end. This was 20+ years ago, and depression was still pretty shameful to most people. If I had had parents who could have had an open discussion with me about depression, stress and anxiety, I would have best responded to a direct approach. Them telling me that that x% of college students suffer from anxiety and/or depression, maybe pointing out some of the signs and **arranging an appointment with a psychiatrist for me** to be evaluated if I acknowledged a problem. It would have been important for them to have their plan of action in place, and resources available, because I might have shied away from the whole thing if given time to think and become embarrassed by it. I lived with sometimes extreme clinical depression for 15 years before seeking help. It can be REALLY hard to do on your own, especially when you're young.

[Anonymous]

Ask about your child's roommate while you're on the phone. If they are worried about him/her, you can contact parents--kids will lie to their own parents, but probably won't be able to hide a serious depression problem from someone living with them.

[Anonymous]

This worries me. I pride myself on letting my teens make their own decisions (within reason and with guidance) and be independent. The two in college are doing great. But I worry about the high school senior next year. She just doesn't have it together nearly as much as her siblings did or as much as she thinks she does. I fear she won't know how to ask for help.

[Anonymous]

My DD just told me about the "Freshman 1500", something I'd never heard of. She says it's the amount of money freshmen spend going home on weekends because they are so homesick. I said fine, we'll start saving up for that expense, because we're sure going to need it. Of course this means DD can't go too far from home because airfare is too expensive for weekend visits. Bus or train it is.

Thanks for posting OP. We just had a session at our school by a college drug/alcohol counselor who said going to college is one of the most stressful experiences in anyone's lives, hence the exacerbation in drugs/drinking/mental health problems. I've got a couple years before DD goes to college, but I'm already getting ready for the shock (and getting her ready too). I'll file this post away, for future use.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for posting this, OP. I got the same advice from my sister, who is also a college professor, when our oldest son entered college. He has now graduated and our younger one is currently in college. Though both are independent by nature and make friends easily, they were also quite happy to have us come visit a few times during freshman year. They were not alone in this regard -- many of their friends also asked parents to visit or to let them come home for a weekend here and there.

My sense is that many parents are somewhat surprised by how much their kids simply miss home. So many of these kids, including our own, have traveled without their families or have gone to summer camps, and they seem so much more worldy and independent than we were at that age. Additionally, we parents often assume that methods of communication have improved so much that we can just call, text, email and Skype with our kids. My experience, though, has been that nothing replaces actually sitting down to break bread with your son or daughter and asking, "so, how's it going?" Oh, and a hug really helps too.

[Anonymous]

I think the biggest difference between students now and when we went to college is they are very knowledgeable about competition for jobs, grad school, etc and there is no let up.

no more 'gentlemen's c' and graduating and getting a interesting well-paying job if you did ok.

this competition can make college toxic.

I feel bad for college students these days. they will never enjoy it like we did.

[Anonymous]

Good advice, OP. As a college prof, I knew freshman year could be tough on a kid but until I was a parent with a kid in freshman year I never completely understood how hard it can be for some kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good advice, OP. As a college prof, I knew freshman year could be tough on a kid but until I was a parent with a kid in freshman year I never completely understood how hard it can be for some kids.

Pp again. I want to add that it's useful to take advantage of the expertise on your kid's campus. My kid diagnosed her problem (correctly) on her own and wanted to take a medical leave but I was a bit reluctant - I thought, can't you just eke out some Cs and Ds and not waste a semester's tuition and then recover over the summer? Then I realized that of course there would be counselors on her campus who had seen this before. We went to meet with one and he was very reassuring about her taking medical leave. In fact, they wanted her to take two semesters off which she did and it turned out to be the best thing to do. She's back in school with a lot more support and the tools she needs to handle the hard parts. That medical leave turned out to be essential in putting her in a good place later.

[Anonymous]

What an excellent post. One thing we've talked to our college kids about is learning how to distinguish between typical homesickness and other adjustment blues, from real depression and other more serious mental health issues that can emerge when kids are in their late teens and early 20s. Both my husband and I witnessed disastrous breakdowns of friends when we were in college, and you never forget it. College students really need to look out for each other because there are so few adults present in their day-to-day lives. And we as parents need to appreciate that as well prepared as our kids may be academically, they've got a lot to learn about real life. Nothing makes you grow up faster than watching a friend or a roommate self destruct. Just little things like knowing how to contact your roommate's parents can be important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you recommend we tell them to help, when geographically we're so far away?

Make sure your pride in them is not connected to their academic success.
Make sure they know that disappointment is okay, that if they are disappointed in themselves or even if you are disappointed (that they aren't doing well) that isn't a big deal, disappointment can be overcome.
Make sure you aren't describing them or putting them into the role of the 'good' kid, or the easy kid or the capable kid or the kid you don't have to worry about. That makes it very difficult for them ever to let you down.
Don't focus on academics as being the marker of success. If they define success as high marks, then they see low marks as failure and themselves as a failure
If you encourage them to work hard and get high marks and often ask how their marks are, they may not be able to be truthful if they aren't doing well. They might think you will assume they aren't working hard if they don't get high marks.
If they have a natural tendency to be perfectionistic or to put high pressure on themselves, talk to them about this.
If you put high pressure on them or expect perfectionism - STOP.
If you pay for school and they feel indebted to you and as though you already do too much for them, talk about this.

And most of all, just open the lines of communication about their mental health. Ask them how stressed they are, ask if there are any courses they are worried they might not pass, and reassure them if they are struggling, that is okay.

Suggest local avenues for support where they are, and offer more frequent contact with home if needed. I agree with the PP that a semester or two off can be a really good thing for some students.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suffered from extreme depression and anxiety in college, but I never would have brought it up with my parents. I had a suicide plan in place, but never acted on it. I did drop out for the semester without their knowledge after I couldn't get myself out of my apartment for days on end. This was 20+ years ago, and depression was still pretty shameful to most people. If I had had parents who could have had an open discussion with me about depression, stress and anxiety, I would have best responded to a direct approach. Them telling me that that x% of college students suffer from anxiety and/or depression, maybe pointing out some of the signs and **arranging an appointment with a psychiatrist for me** to be evaluated if I acknowledged a problem. It would have been important for them to have their plan of action in place, and resources available, because I might have shied away from the whole thing if given time to think and become embarrassed by it. I lived with sometimes extreme clinical depression for 15 years before seeking help. It can be REALLY hard to do on your own, especially when you're young.

This is really good advice. I felt my world was crumbling in college and called a suicide talk line. It seemed so hard to get myself together at 19. I told my parents all the things I was stressed out about - car troubles, no money, boyfriend problems, roommate problems, realizing I wasn't going to be able to pursue my dream career due to poor grades - and they gave me a big talk about responsibility. All I needed was a shoulder to cry on a bit, I was able to move on, but did way too much drinking along the way. I really hope I can be there for my kids, not to helicopter but to make sure they don't feel alone and stressed.

[Anonymous]

This is a really good reason to address potential mental health issues while kids are still at home, especially senior year. If you have any concerns about your children at all, get help NOW before they go to school. I think very often parents hope that it is all just a reflection of the pressure of applying to colleges and that once that gets settled in the spring, everything will be OK. And you may see an improvement in mood as your DC believes he is about to leave behind whatever is causing him pain. But unless you've dealt with underlying issues with a professional they will only reappear at college. And as others have pointed out, you won't be there to recognize it. If you get your DC help in high school (and set up a relationship with a therapist in college, if you think it is necessary) they will be much better equipped.

I don't think the mental health problems these kids encounter are the result of homesickness or pressure, though these are stressors that contribute. I think some of this is the timing of kids being away from home at the precise age when many problems first surface as well as the ways in which our culture has distorted things with the academic and other competition.

[Anonymous]

It's not only mental health issues, it can be learning issues as well. Our DC (Asperger's, ADHD, Anxiety) is having more difficulty than we anticipated. Make use of the disability services office, the learning center, writing center, academic advisor, etc. And reinforce to your SN kids that the first term is the worst. It's OK to get some bad grades.