Not looking forward to T-giving and Christmas with inlaws/dad's wife

[Anonymous]

Its very hard to deal with the holidays at times because since my mother died 20 years ago, I have not had a normal acting extended family member.

My father is on his second and probably final wife after my moms death and she controls his time to the extend that he never is allowed to visit me and my 7 year old daughter. We have to come there and then all his time is accounted for. Ive caught her listening in on phone conversations with my dad. Not confronting her- there is no point as I will be villified. MY dad who was a liberal is now a mcCain/Palin bumpersticker sportin republican: because she is. Listens to Rush Limbaugh. Because she does.

My DH's parents are superficial, judgemental and spread /exchange made up judgmental stories to DH's sister about me and DH and our kid. I recently confronted SIL on the fact that I found out DH was physically abused and really emotionally badly neglected and essentially thrown under the bus emotionally as a kid. She didnt know. But in the end, she is a judgemental b**** who does not actually care.

DH is recovering from depression and addiction and just wants to stop being angry about everything and play nicey nice with everyone. That is what I do with my dad, so I understand. My dad at one point turned on me too when I pointed out his first wife after my mom died was up to no good. She wasnt. She ripped him off to te tune of thousands of dollars. But I have forgiven him and so I do understand DHs point.

Its just:Im Not Looking Forward To The Holidays and needing to be around phoniness. All for what? (sigh).

Am considering bailiing on Thanksgiving at either place by having our own here. And then bailing on Christmas in some form. Last year we went to three different Xmas dinners.... I have no problem putting my foot down under normal circumstances but because of DH's now stable state and expressing the desire for no friction I dont mind just playing along this time around. Might be just the ticket. Let everyone who wants to be an a-hole be an a-hole. I am not their keeper.

[Anonymous]

Celebrate Thanksgiving at home. Invite friends over. I am sure that you have friends who don't have family can't afford to travel this weekend.

[Anonymous]

O.M.G. Please, take my advice.

GO somewhere for Thanksgiving. AND yes, bail on Christmas. You have an opportunity to have fun, stress-free holidays! You are in an enviable position! Most of us HAVE to put up with the horrid ones just to see, or not hurt, the good ones! But there are no good ones for you to hurt, so go, git, while the gettin's good!

[Anonymous]

Absolutely, bail! Do your own thing as a family.

And get a good family therapist to help sort some of this out.

[Anonymous]

Another vote for having drama free T-day and Christmas at your house!

[Anonymous]

We cancelled on the inlaws and are headed to Williamsburg for Thanksgiving. I am thrilled. Nobody said a word.

[Anonymous]

Your immediate family and your personal well being should come first. Bail and enjoy!

[Anonymous]

Similar problem - I got tired of hosting year after year and the number just kept growing. People just expected me to host every year. Everyone complained about their special food that was missing, but no one contributed. So, one year I took my family to the ocean for T-day and we loved it. We are still going after 8 years. I highly recommend it. Run away. Enjoy your immediate family.

[Anonymous]

OP here. THanks everyone. I do think you are all correct. The bonus is that any event we have here cannot be attended by SIL because she has allergies to cats. Soooo, yeah. Thanks for the support. I am going to start making plans.

Im sure there will be MORe drama by me doing this, rather than less. However I think I can pitch it to DH as it being important for DD to experience true and total acceptance and love, and she does not get that at either the inlaws or my dads. We provide it here.

As to therapy, yes we have it for our own selves, but no amount of therapy can fix the extended family! Not helping matters is the fact they are convinced they are completely fine and right.

I hope this thread helps someone else reclaim the holidays. I know its not always possible and one has to weigh the cost of friction against the benefit of being free from the bs on that one day. But I think DD deserves it. She is only 7 and has already felt the sting of judgement, rejection and just not being all that close to my father. Its kind of sad. And she is such a kind and loving kid.

[Anonymous]

OP, I truly hope you follow through on staying home (or taking a nuclear-family-only trip) for both holidays.

I find it interesting that despite being in therapy your husband still seems to feel obliged to spend holidays with his dysfunctional family and doesn't feel strong enough to just say no. Please consider talking with him about exploring that with his therapist. It would be worth finding out why, after he was "thrown under the bus" and abused as a child emotionally, he still feels some kind of obligation to "go home" for holidays, and he might benefit from working through that, as might you.

I hope you can get past your fear of repercussions and being made the bad guy over staying home. You do not owe that kind of guilt to either side of your family.

One tactical thought: If someone says, "Oh, we'll come to you, then" (maybe despite the cat thing--other relatives might try to foist themselves on you), be prepared and have a script firmly fixed in your head in advance: "Sorry, but we're going to have a low-key holiday here with just the three of us and some friends here in (city). Traveling is not in the cards this year." You don't want to be surprised and then end up saying, "Um, uh, well, maybe for just a few days, OK...." when you really do not want to see these people at all. They may not suggest coming to you but if they do -- be armed with a rehearsed response and be sure your husband is ready and rehearsed too. They likely will hear YOU say "We're staying home/We're not having guests" and then turn around and call him to try to get a different answer.

If they then huff and puff at you about "being selfish" (a classic, and it sounds likely that these relatives would try it), be sure there's a big smile in your voice where you very pleasantly say, "I'm sorry you feel that way and I hope you'll have a good holiday. But we've made our plans and they do not involve traveling or hosting." Then Change. The. Topic.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's you. You write like an unbalanced loon lib chick.