How do schools deal with mean girl behavior?

[Anonymous]

Here's a post from another thread:

"As an NCS grad who has known several generations of girls who attend the school, including recently, I have to speak up about the mean girl thing. What I've seen in every class is a few years of mean girl stuff that resolves around 9th or 10th grade and what replaces it is an incredibly supportive spirit. I have a close group of friends for life from NCS and I've seen the same dynamic in subsequent classes. I see other schools with worse mean girl problems (GDS)."

A few years of mean girl stuff sounds pretty nasty to me. I went to a co-ed public school and don't recall this phenomenon, although maybe I was just so far out of the social mainstream that it didn't affect me. Is this problem common to all schools? Is it better or worse at all-girl schools? What can schools do to combat it, and which schools do so particularly well? Is it generally true that the problem large resolves itself by 9th/10th grade?

[Anonymous]

DD went to a co-ed private through sixth grade and the mean girl thing was virulent at the time she left.

[Anonymous]

pp - was that why you left?

[Anonymous]

No, we left because the school ended in sixth grade.

The school was pretty ineffective at dealing with it. We always wondered if it was the same as with the boy bully situation, where the private school can't afford to alienate tuition-paying families.

[Anonymous]

My dd and her friends were terrible to each other in public middle school. I don't remember it being like that when I was their age but then I was a tomboy and didn't fit in well with other girls.

[zumbamama]

my oldest had this problem big time in a southern California elementary school. I couldn't believe how cliquey the girls were at such a young age. The popular table, the geek table, the in-between table. Good grief! We all sat at ONE table when I was in school!

Anyway, my DD received a death threat letter (those freaky ones with the cut-out letters taped together) from a bossy girl who was not particularly welcome in my DD's circle of friends. The girl would try to start rumors about other girls, and turn friends against each other.

My DD was terrified when she got that scary letter and the school tried to hide it, saying it wasn't a big deal. When we finally got a hold of it and complained about it, they did nothing! We weren't allowed to speak to the girls' parents to work anything out. The school gave the girl a good citizenship award certificate at the end of the year!

[Anonymous]

I think mean girl behavior is fairly common in middle school. I'm a nice girl and I had nice friends, but we were still kind of terrible to each other during the middle school years. Nothing so awful -- nothing really cruel -- but it seemed that there was constant competition over who was best friends with whom, etc., and that bred drama. It straightened out once we were old enough to know better (or find better friends).

[Anonymous]

OMG Zumbamama. A good citizenship award for a kid who issues a death threat. I have to say though that your experience in SoCA is similar to the experience I had with trying to get a MoCo school to deal with bullying being done to my son. I'd share, but thinking about it again would ruin my entire day and it's not on point to this thread.

[Anonymous]

I am SMH at this thread. My DD is 4 and in the pre-k at a pk-12 school In class she is already labeled the "mean girl" according to her classmates as well as the older kids at her school. She is very aggressive and strong willed in nature and is now trying to adjust in school. The teachers are also working on her behavior when it comes to how to treat others. The first month of school she pushed a boy down, choked a girl at recess, and when she was flag helper she hit another boy with the flag. I was so shocked at her behavior in school. I discipline her at home and had to make a home and school discipline connection in order for her to see the rewards and consequences for her actions outside of home. She has gotten much better in the past month of school. I am nipping this behavior in the bud now so she does not up being a mean older girl or the school bully.

[Anonymous]

OK, I'm the original NCS poster and I never saw or experienced anything remotely as extreme as Zumbamama's post. Yowza! I think this thread illustrates the point that I was trying to make: that mean girls are everywhere in middle school. I didn't think it was fair to single out NCS.

I have a middle school daughter and it hasn't always been easy but I do approach it as a learning experience for her. I think there is something developmental about the ways girls socialize and differentiate themselves at this age. And in my experience its the girls who are unhappy who are the worst. But it is an opportunity to teach our daughters some social morality and also some social survival skills. Maybe this is why I've seen girls emerge from this phase being affirmatively supportive of and kind to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am SMH at this thread. My DD is 4 and in the pre-k at a pk-12 school In class she is already labeled the "mean girl" according to her classmates as well as the older kids at her school. She is very aggressive and strong willed in nature and is now trying to adjust in school. The teachers are also working on her behavior when it comes to how to treat others. The first month of school she pushed a boy down, choked a girl at recess, and when she was flag helper she hit another boy with the flag. I was so shocked at her behavior in school. I discipline her at home and had to make a home and school discipline connection in order for her to see the rewards and consequences for her actions outside of home. She has gotten much better in the past month of school. I am nipping this behavior in the bud now so she does not up being a mean older girl or the school bully.

Sounds like you are doing a great job in thwarting this early!

[Anonymous]

Yes, 14:14 does sound like she is doing a good job. My DD tried the mean girl thing (words only) in preschool at age 4 and I jumped on it immediately. Her teachers said it ended after about 2 weeks. She figured out pretty quickly that it really doesn't get you anywhere. Itcertainly dos not get you friends. She is a very smart kid, both intellectually and socially, and I talked to her continuously and used examples and role-played with her. It quickly sunk in. She is now at her "big girl school" in PK and we still go over things such as how you treat others, how to handle mean people, how to be inclusive. As her other friends try out this type of behavior, she is great at telling them its not okay to act that way, but she too still has to have "refreshers" every once in a while. My DS is older and this stuff just isn't as prevalent with *most* boys, although some do it. Its a wierd dynamic but I really do think this is a parent's major job when kids het older. Developing your child's social abilities is just as important as their academics and athletics. There are some schools that take this stuff seriously and I thank God that my children's school seems to be one of them.

[Anonymous]

DD and I discussed all this endlessly when she was 10 (and in fact we still do), and finally I gave her the book "Queen Bees and Wannabees" to read. It seemed to open her eyes to what was going on in her class. I hope, and actually Ithink, she never adopted this type of behavior, and part of it may be due to awareness from the book. Of course I couch all this in words like "think" and "hope" because who really knows what their kid does during the day, but I do get good feedback from other kids and teachers about her behavior.

[Anonymous]

How can anyone who reads all of the nasty comments of this board ask where the "mean girl" thing comes from?

[Anonymous]

Hi, I am a school counselor. Mean girls is just another form of bullying (same of boys), just more emotional than physical. It is a product of hormones, normal adolescent development (separating from parents, trying to see who they are like, not like), school culture, our larger culture, and home environment. Big list, right? That is why it is so hard to address, fix, etc.

The school needs to have a firm bullying policy and it can really trickle down from there. The best and nicest families with lovely girls will experience some level of this. The best you can do it help the girls EARLY ON (as early as you can) to develop empathy and fairness, the two things that combat bullying.

It is brutal. EVERYONE is affected. It will never stop. EVER. But it can be mitigated, addressed, and good things CAN come out of this stuff with good admin, teachers, counselor, and parents. Parents need to push for conflict resolution and bullying policies (that are enforced) in their schools.