Friend's child is SN, mine is not...advice?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I never know what to say or how she feels. I sense something is wrong when her mood changes all of the sudden when she sees my 11 mo old interact with husband and me. Her child is 3, has cerebral palsy (cant walk, talk, crawl). I always ask her how she is doing and how her DD is doing. Whenever she hints at being overwhelmed or stressed out about DD i tell her I am always here if she needs me. When my 11mo old tries to interact with DD she becomes very protective but then says that she wishes that DD had more child interaction. I try to engage DD as much as I can (but also have issues about whether there is an "appropriate" way to do so).
Anyway, sometimes I decide not to visit them because of the mood changes and because sometimes I feel we cause more stress than anything else. (a small part of me feels guilty about my circumstances...i know that is a separate issue) She also says that she is sad that she has no friends with kids that visit them. thoughts? |
Anonymous
| As a mother of a young child with disabilities, I can attest that it is very hard emotionally to see other children hit milestones while yours is far behind. Her child is only 11 months old, so she is just starting her journey. I avoided social gatherings for awhile too, but I alway appreciated the efforts of my friends. Please just give it some time as she's adjusting. She'll come around. Your support is appreciated. |
Anonymous
| The fact that you have not run away is huge. Just keep being there, and don't worry too much about what you should be doing. From what you've described, you sound like a great friend. |
Anonymous
|
In the beginning, it is really tough to watch younger kids zipping through milestones when your little one is struggling. I think it's something that most special needs parents struggle with. For me at least, over time and as I have accepted my son's disability, it no longer hurts to watch normal childhood development (we had a second child, so I had to get over it pretty quickly). But it was even more painful when friends started pulling away from me (I'm sure they could sense that I was struggling with seeing their kids doing so well and hearing about their accomplishments). So as much as you can, keep showing up for your friend, and keep bringing your kid too.
|
Anonymous
| If you are a true friend, you continue to visit and offer support. She will decline but she still will appreciate the thought. Perhaps you can offer to go out alone without the kids. |
Anonymous
|
Definitely try to go out for adult time if possible.
Also, OP, don't project too much about what she's feeling. There might be a mood or you might be imagining it. (She might just be tired or have other things on her mind.) |
Anonymous
Agree on all points. It absolutely can be difficult to see other children who are developing if your child is struggling. But, like with all things, it's variable and her moods may have everything to do with that, or nothing. Continue to share your kid's accomplishments, and make sure to acknowledge her kids as well. I so appreciate when my friends take the time to notice that my child is doing x y or z, and celebrate with me. I also really appreciate when my friends ask questions or are direct about my child's special needs. The worst friendship issues I've encountered have been with people who just ignore the whole topic or who give me generic 'I don't know how you do it' or 'oh it will all work out' or 'he'll catch up/miracles happen/my mothers cousins best friend's teachers kid had autism and was cured when they eliminated all blue clothes from his wardrobe...' I'd much prefer a friend who is interested in hearing my true experiences and also interested in learning. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like a minor point of semantics but it's not: your friend's child "has" special needs, not "is" special needs. |
Anonymous
|
I have an infant with SN. You are a good friend. Keep trying. The first year is really hard. I clicked on this because I wondered if you could be my friend posting!
The best thing that my friends do right now is to stay in touch, ask questions about my child's SN and listen. And coo over how great my kid is. That helps an incredible amount. If you can help her celebrate what is great about her child that would help. You could also try telling her that sometimes you wonder if she is uncomfortable around you but that you value your friendship and you are really trying. Remind her that you are putting in the effort because you care. |
Anonymous
| You people didn't read with attention. OP's child is 11 months. The child with SN is 3y. |
Anonymous
| Does it really matter? Geez. |