Preschool bully question

[Anonymous]

Here is a preschool WWYD:

My daughter attends half day preschool - she is 4 and attended a different preschool last year. She is in a class of young 4 year olds and goes half day every day.

After school lets out it is very common for moms and kids to stay after and use the playground for a while. Earlier in the year a note was sent home about making sure kids follow the preschool rules after school so nobody gets hurt - apparently there were some concerns because many of the moms stand around and talk and don't keep an eye on their kids.

Since that note went around, people seem to be enforcing the "safety" rules but many moms still don't really watch their kids. There is one group of boys in the pre-K class (so older than my daughter, they are already 5) and one boy in particular who is a real bully, that gets up in kids faces and intimidates them (including my daughter and her classmates) and that are sometimes even rough with younger kids. I've seen this happen several times and my daughter has been on the receiving end of this behavior several times and I'm not sure what the best course of action is.

I have figured out who his mom but I don't know her name and frankly don't feel comfortable approaching her with this - I mean what would I say?? I've observed these incidents but short of playing bodyguard for my daughter I can't be there every second - I'm usually across the playground when I see something happening and by the time I approach he's gone off to do something else.

Is it appropriate to say something to the preschool director? Maybe she could confront the mom directly. I know I'm not the only one who is concerned about this boy - other moms from my daughter's class have observed the behavior as well.

Thanks for any and all suggestions. For what it's worth, I've talked to my daughter about how if you just ignore him he'll stop, but it's a tough lesson to learn I think when you're four....

[Anonymous]

If this is happening after school hours I don't think it's appropriate to expect the school personnel to mediate. You might ask whether they observe the same thing during school time.

If you're concerned about the way any child is behaving toward your daughter, you have every right and responsibility to say something directly yourself. I wouldn't go up to another parent and demand that they police -- rather I'd suggest you just shadow your daughter and nicely but firmly dissuade the boy from getting in her face or bothering her if she cannot do it herself.

That may provoke the mom to pay closer attention to her son. On the other hand, you can't really criticize her for not watching her kid closely enough if you are standing across the playground from your own .... boys and girls do play differently and every parent has their own standard of what warrants chastising. The mom may not even be aware that her son's behavior is bothering anyone. I'm not trying to excuse anyone here, just suggesting a low-impact way of handling the situation that presumes everyone has decent intentions.

[Anonymous]

I don't want to not take what you are saying seriously, but I do not think this is bullying from your description and unless your daughter is distraught, I would not worry about it too much. Keep working with your daughter to teach her how to handle the situation, but otherwise, I would not expect the school to do anything. I would, personally, stick close by to my daughter and REALLY see what is happening. My DD claims to HATE it when the boys chase her, get in her face, etc., but then i watch and she is having a ball, loves the attention.

I would not talk to the other mom, either. If you are really uncomfortable, I would play at another park.

[Anonymous]

Wow, tough one.

You say he's intimidating the other little ones, but can you clarify if they are actually reacting as though they're scared? Apologies if that seems pedantic, but sometimes there's a difference in what an adult perceives as one kind of behavior (rude, off-putting, intimidating) and whether or not other children actually interpret it that way and internalize it. I.e., Susie says "HI!" to Billy but he just keeps walking and counting flowers. Also, I've never seen a playground full of adults where one child is intimidating others and no-one steps in.

So... I'm thinking it through and I believe I'd step in and act like a pre-school chaperon (i.e. NOT emotionally involved). Ideally, an adult who is not the parent of Billy's current target can step in and say "Billy, Sean was on the slide first, let him finish" or "Billy, not so close - that's scary to the littler kids" or "Billy, you can't push other people, we keep our hands and feet to ourselves." (I'll bet you $10 that there are already classroom rules about keeping one's hands and feet to oneself.)

The key here is lack of emotional involvement and simple rules that reflect those in the classroom. Also, you need active chaperoning - not "hovering", but not passive observation either. Pre-school teachers handle this every single day, they do it by being active, involved chaperons and enforcing the rules which the children already know from the classroom.

[Anonymous]

If you feel that it's an issue, you really need to say something to the mother. It can be uncomfortable, but it's really your responsibility and not the school's since it's after hours. I can't believe that so many moms feel uncomfortable with this boy's actions, yet no one will say something to the mother!

[Anonymous]

I'm PP 13:12 above.

I meant that FIRST I would ascertain that children were in fact intimidated and acting scared of "Billy." And ONLY afterwards if I were sure that were true, would I switch from passive observation to active chaperoning (with an emphasis on the aforementioned lack of emotional involvement and consistent re-enforcement of school rules & policies).

[Anonymous]

Do NOT talk to the mom unless the boy is pushing kids down and screaming in their faces HORRIBLY. You will look like a wuss, your kid will get labeled as a wuss, and the whole things will probably stop in a couple of weeks anyway and you will be THAT mom with the whimpy girl.

FWIW, my DD had a hard time with a boy in her class (he was SERIOUSLY out of control) and I treated it like she could HANDLE it. We role played what to do, what to say, and when to bail. Worked like a charm. Do not start managing this stuff now between friends. You will never stop. Bad.

[Anonymous]

There's a boy at my dd's preschool who plays quite rough. He's not a bully at all. He's probably a sweet kid, but has older brothers and is used to rough and tumble. It has sent several of his classmates running away crying.

[Anonymous]

We could argue over the definition of bullying until the discussion takes a bad turn.

Deal with your daughter and her coping techniques instead. Talk to her about how she feels. If she's irritated by the boy, show her how to handle it. I've taught my daughter about trusting her instincts and that it's OK to yell no, to walk away, to tell an adult, and in worst case scenarios, to fight back (this being a case of abduction, for example).

BTW - I would not ever defend "rough play" for a boy, and I'm a mother to both boy and girl. There's no excuse to be rough on the playground.

[Anonymous]

We had the same situation several years ago. I recommend what some of the PP's have said - don't address the mother directly and intervene only to the extent that a teacher would.

It IS possible for a group of mothers to be on a playground and not intervene when one child is running around causing issues with each and every child in his path. Sadly, the child in our situation was at the playground each day because he had some behavioral problems and had no play dates after school. He craved attention from strangers on the plaground.

His mother found it much easier to stand on the far side of the playground chatting, conveniently oblivious to what her child was up to than to spend some time with him after school. Maybe she just couldn't deal with him anymore. Either way it was obvious she didn't want to interact with him.

The other mothers didn't want to address the child and only did so when it involved their own kid (myself included). I finally stopped spending time there when he was around, because one day another parent assumed he was my kid and became quite angry with me when I didn't correct/stop him from terrorizing her younger child. Since his mother was nowhere to be seen from where we were, it seemed he was with me.

[Anonymous]

I don't think the pp was thinking of gender when defending rough play so much as kids with older siblings.

I know it took me a while to mellow around such kids (I thought all the second and third children I met were ill-behaved until I took a deep breath and started paying more attention.)

[Anonymous]

I tend to take the more aggressive stance in these situations. If we are at the playground and not specifically meeting another family, my daughter and I usually play together. If there was a kid pushing, hitting, yelling in other kids faces, I would and have told him/her to stop. "Pushing is not safe on the slide. Cut it out, now." "If you want to play with us, there will be no hitting/grabbing/screaming in my face. Go somewhere else if you want to behave that way." I use a firm tone, not a mommy singsong voice, and a neutral expression. Generally, the behavior stops. If it does not, we usually move to another piece of equipment.

And yes, I have been confronted by mommies offended on behalf of their precious offspring. Generally, I smile at the mother and say something like, "Oh I told him to stop pushing/hitting/yelling at the 2 year olds/throwing sand in the 9 month old's face. You looked like you were having such a nice talk there with your friends and your cup of coffee all the way accross the playground on that bench. There was no need for you to get up since I was already over here with my daughter." I have yet to hear a response to that one.

If you don't feel comfortable addressing the child or the mother directly, here is another gem that works wonderfully well if you don't know the family all that well. Figure out who the mom of the offending child is. When you get to the playground and find her, hold you kid by the hand and walk over to the area where she is and while you within ear shot and are zipping, unzipping, fixing your kid's hat, etc. say something to your daughter about the kid that the mother will hear. i.e. "OK, remember, if Billy X comes over and pushes you again today, what do we do?" or "Remember, if Billy X goes on the slide, don't get on it, he pushes at the top of the slide." or "Don't forget, if Barbie X hits you again today, tell mommy so we can find her mommy and let her know." or "Oh, see that boy/girl in the blue shirt knocking down the little kids? That is the same boy/girl from the other day who pushed you at the top of the slide. Stay away from him. He clearly has a behavioral problem." Generally, the mom is off like a shot to monitor the kid's behavior a lot closer.

[Anonymous]

Whoa, you had me until the last paragraph which just seemed like gratuitous insults. Its one thing to chastise a child who is actually doing something dangerous, its another to show up loaded for bear and intentionally insult the parents.

A little humility may be in order. I remember the days when my children were young and I was exhausted and felt isolated and it was just so wonderful to sit on a bench and chat with another mother. It isn't a crime. In fact its probably a more normal way of raising children than hovering over them and playing with them all the time.

Neither of my children were pushers or hitters but one of my DC did have a problem with personal space. I wasn't always able to intervene when he got too close.

We all need to protect our kids but lets try to do it in the spirit of supporting each other and each other's children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tend to take the more aggressive stance in these situations. If we are at the playground and not specifically meeting another family, my daughter and I usually play together. If there was a kid pushing, hitting, yelling in other kids faces, I would and have told him/her to stop. "Pushing is not safe on the slide. Cut it out, now." "If you want to play with us, there will be no hitting/grabbing/screaming in my face. Go somewhere else if you want to behave that way." I use a firm tone, not a mommy singsong voice, and a neutral expression. Generally, the behavior stops. If it does not, we usually move to another piece of equipment.

And yes, I have been confronted by mommies offended on behalf of their precious offspring. Generally, I smile at the mother and say something like, "Oh I told him to stop pushing/hitting/yelling at the 2 year olds/throwing sand in the 9 month old's face. You looked like you were having such a nice talk there with your friends and your cup of coffee all the way accross the playground on that bench. There was no need for you to get up since I was already over here with my daughter." I have yet to hear a response to that one.

If you don't feel comfortable addressing the child or the mother directly, here is another gem that works wonderfully well if you don't know the family all that well. Figure out who the mom of the offending child is. When you get to the playground and find her, hold you kid by the hand and walk over to the area where she is and while you within ear shot and are zipping, unzipping, fixing your kid's hat, etc. say something to your daughter about the kid that the mother will hear. i.e. "OK, remember, if Billy X comes over and pushes you again today, what do we do?" or "Remember, if Billy X goes on the slide, don't get on it, he pushes at the top of the slide." or "Don't forget, if Barbie X hits you again today, tell mommy so we can find her mommy and let her know." or "Oh, see that boy/girl in the blue shirt knocking down the little kids? That is the same boy/girl from the other day who pushed you at the top of the slide. Stay away from him. He clearly has a behavioral problem." Generally, the mom is off like a shot to monitor the kid's behavior a lot closer.

I was with you on the "active chaperoning" (new lingo?) but you lost me with the passive aggression.

[Anonymous]

To the OP:

Please post a follow-up after you choose a course of action. It may be very instructive for all of us next time around.