Preschool bully question

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks for the input. We stopped playing at the playground after school, fyi. At first it was my decision and my daughter was unhappy about it but more recently, she's been the one to see these boys on the playground and inform me she doesn't want to stay and play....

I decided that it wasn't appropriate to say anything to the preschool director about after-school playground play. However, I learned shortly after that due to some schedule changes, my daughter's class was going to be sharing playground time during the school day with the older kids including these ones who had been giving her a hard time. At that point I did say something because I wanted to make sure that the teachers would be vigilant. The director reacted very positively and said she would talk to the teacher of the other class about the boys in question, that they would be monitored closely, and she said I was not the first parent to have concerns about their behavior.

I also wanted to react to something someone posted in this thread:

Anonymous wrote:On the other hand, you can't really criticize her for not watching her kid closely enough if you are standing across the playground from your own ....

It's true that I was, when most of these incidents occurred, standing across the playground in an attempt to give my daughter some space but the difference is I am WATCHING my child. These others moms are off in la-la land talking about God knows what - I've seen them stand ten feet from their children while they are misbehaving, while other parents are tending to their children who are uneasy or in tears, and not even look their direction as they chat with their friends.

I know there are different definitions of bullying, but the incidents involving my daughter have included physically preventing her and other children from using playground equipment, lots of verbal incidents involving telling her and other children they can't use certain playground equipment and saying God knows what else, and lots of getting up in her face and screaming like a lunatic, which frightens her. I've also seen these kids gang up like a pack on other kids, including younger siblings, and there is often pushing and pile-ons of kids as their play turns rough. When they have been approached by parents they are completely non-responsive and seem to have no shame whatsoever about their behavior.

I am the last person to want to get involved in this stuff so I wouldn't even be discussing it if I didn't think it was serious and highly inappropriate. In my daughter's case it's pure intimidation but for some other children, it looks like ultimately someone could get physically injured in one of these pile-ons. As for how the kids react, my daughter often has ended up in tears, and some of the boys in her class have also seemed near tears on a couple of occasions.

I hate to be one to hover, but I guess if we ever do play on the playground after school again, that's what I'll have to do. I'd really like for my 4 year old to be able to play a bit more independently, but I don't think she's being a wuss about this - these kids, to me, seem like bad news.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am one of the PP's who hastened you NOT to talk to the moms and I would STRONGLY encourage you to work with your daughter at home. Of course, your job is always protect her, but the best thing you can do for her is to teach her how to defend herself, emotionally, physically, verbally. Some of that is walk away, some of that is using a strong voice, some of that finding the right words, some of that is naming four adults she can talk to about what is happening, some of that may be learning how to fight back a little. The reason I say this is that if YOU view the others as BAD NEWS, you run the risk of always seeing your DD as the victim, hence taking her power away. It will be like this and worse in K...so what are you going to do? Make your DD tough and confident and powerful...it is the BEST option.

[Anonymous]

Thanks PP, I appreciate your view. I have talked to her about the things you mentioned - walking away, not letting it bother her, not letting her emotions get the better of her, using her words, and telling an adult if the person doesn't stop the bullying.

She is learning to walk away from the situation, but as I mentioned before, several times she has been sought out and pursued even after removing herself and trying to busy herself elsewhere.

And we are also working on the other things you mention - I completely agree that she needs to learn these defense mechanisms, but I just didn't expect it to be necessary in preschool at age four.

[Anonymous]

I am the PP before you. I empathize with you. I didn't think my little girl would have a "frenemy" at age four, but she does and we have been really working on it. Sucks. But you know, I think it was like this when we were little and our parents didn't even know? Good? Bad? I don't know....new world, right?

[Anonymous]

I am one of the PPs and I have to say that where I thought it was inappropriate to discuss it with the director vis-a-vis after-school time, I find nothing inappropriate about discussing it with respect to during-school time.

Good luck to you & your daughter.