No One Offered to Host A Baby Shower :(

[Anonymous]

Hi DCUMs,

Just writing to get your thoughts on baby shower etiquette (sorry if this has been posted previously elsewhere).

I'm 33 weeks pregnant with our first baby, and none of my friends or family have offered to host a baby shower. Our familes aren't local. And, I don't want to ask friends, which seems tacky. I know this is a busy time of year with the holidays, etc., and that money is tight for a lot of families, but I am still a little hurt nonetheless. My husband and I are so excited about our little guy, and we really want to share the joy with our friends. Many of our friends are on baby #2 or #3, and have all had their showers, so maybe they just aren't thinking about us.

So, would it be really tacky for us to have our own sort of shower (e.g., a coed dinner party or get together)? Could we have some kind of gathering after the baby is born to celebrate his arrival? This isn't necessarily about gifts, since we have pretty much everything we need.

Any other thoughts on how to have a celebration without necessarily having a "Shower" per se?

[Anonymous]

I don't think it is tacky to have something yourself. We held a party for our new baby after he was born. That way you properly celebrate the baby's arrival into the world.

Or you could have a celebration before and just call it something other than a 'shower' if you are not comfortable with hosting yourself.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry no one has offered to host. Friends I can kind of understand but family should offer IMO (even if they aren't loca). That said, I LOVE your idea about hosting your own baby celebration after the baby is born.

And you have every right to be a little hurt. I think this is a tough time. But maybe one will still be thrown after the holidays or maybe it is a surprise shower??

[Anonymous]

Of course you should have a party! I agree with you that you can't throw or ask for a "shower". But those are about gifts anyways, which you don't need.

If you want to have something before hand, you can say you want an adult party, or you want to see what you're getting into and invite all your friends' kids.

Personally, I think a party afterwards to introduce the baby is wonderful. It's traditional in some religions and a great excuse for family to come in from all over and friends to meet the baby. If you plan it for 6 to 8 weeks after birth, you're hopefully with-it enough to pull together a small gathering.

Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

I think hosting your own is a great idea. I know, for me, I was so tired and generally worn-out after my babies arrival, I just couldn't have done it then. I'd do it ahead of time when you are feeling good. You could do something low key, like an open house, and have people see the nursery etc. I think that is a really fun idea and you can have it exactly how you want it.

[Anonymous]

I think if you have a party before the baby's arrival, you should make sure that it's not baby-themed or baby-related. You could do a last blast cocktail party or something, but if you have something mentioning celebrating the baby's arrival, you essentially are having a shower for yourself even if you call it something different.

It would be safer, etiquette-wise, to have something after the baby is born, probably. A drop-in to meet the new little one would be appropriate, but I would specify "no gifts" on the invitation (I know there are a million threads about that on DCUM, but this is different from a child's birthday party, so no controversy please!).

And maybe someone is giving you a shower but it's a surprise!!

[Anonymous]

My husband's cousin gave his wife a shower and we didn't think it was weird, we thought it was cute! How many husband's give his wife a shower? And it was a surprise. You deserve a shower-if you were my friend, I'd give you a shower. Don't be sad, many people aren't thinking of anyone else in these bad economic times, mostly focusing on their families during the holidays.

[Anonymous]

I say yes to having your own party - just try not to call it a shower to avoid looking like you're gift-grabbing. The thing you'll find is that you'll get tons of stuff for a baby no matter what you do; I've decided that many people are like me, we just like an excuse to go out and buy cutie-pie baby clothes or toys, so many newborns get "showers" once they arrive. On the timing I'd do it before the baby comes because after the fact you just will have too much else to deal with.

And seriously don't sweat the lack of an actual "shower" -- there are so many of us who hate them, both as the recipient and as general participants. I believe that for some religious traditions (Orthodox Jews for example) anything like a baby shower is completely forbidden because it presupposes a happy outcome that has not yet occured. I was raised Catholic but my mother always thought baby showers were really bad mojo, and I tend to agree. And frankly the shower that my last office threw for me was excruciatingly embarassing - all these corporate types playing silly diaper games with a stuffed bear. I refused to let my family throw one for #1 and have rebuffed the friends who offered for #2 even more strenuously. If I were you I'd feel relieved I didn't have to ooh and ahh over onesies (or subject my friends to that), and throw myself a nice little soiree to celebrate the season and a new phase of life.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you on this one, OP. I was really hurt that no one has offered, but I also have the same "bad mojo" feelings about these things and I am thinking that people have picked up on that and are actually trying to be polite. Or at least I hope...

[Anonymous]

Man, that is shitty. Sorry OP. This is what I would do. I would have your HUSBAND host a couples party to celebrate YOU and the BABY. Make it light, drinks and apps, and hopefully anyone with a heart will you get you something cute! Plan it with him and then claim to be surprised!

[Anonymous]

I would feel sad too and I think you should definitely celebrate and honor this big event.
You are a first time mom and are going to need MANY things to prepare. If you not up to it right now - You can host a "SIP and SEE" party. It is after the baby is born and your friends come over for tea and see the baby. You should definitely celebrate - you deserve it!

[Anonymous]

Maybe you are in for a surprise(!) baby shower???

Anyway, worst case scenario do a welcoming party or a celebratory luncheon. Ask a friend to help you - especially ones w/ a baby already since they'll definitely understand (or they should be able to commiserate). Plus, it'll be a hint. Something like, "Hey Jen, your good with decoration, can you help me hang the streamers and the balloons on x/x/2009 for this luncheon we're having. I really want everyone to meet him/her" - you get the idea.

[Anonymous]

Ok, this might not be proper etiquette, but if I were you I would just tell my family (the family member I am the closest to) that I would just really like it if they were hosting a baby shower for me. I would not ask friends but I think with family it's ok to ask, especially if you are close to them, they will understand.
Otherwise, I agree with everyone else, a party after the birth of the child is really nice, the only problem is that you might be exhausted...

[Anonymous]

OP Here -- thanks all for the great suggestions! I'm glad to hear that throwing some kind of celebratory event myself isn't completely taboo!!! I don't blame my friends at all, since they are all so busy with their own kids, babies, and families around now. As for my family...that's another issue, but they live far away, so it's logistics there, and lack of financial ability to travel, etc.

Right now, unless there is a surprise planned somewhere (which I doubt...) I will probably have a co-ed lunch/brunch get together in the next couple of weeks. I figure, people like food, right? I will not include registry info or anything. Just more like a get together to say hi to everyone before the big event. I think we will be way too tired after the birth.

You've all been so positive and encouraging.

[Anonymous]

That sucks! Is there any way your DH can talk to one of your close girl friends and maybe inquire if anyone's planing a shower (hint, hint). He could just act a little dumb or say others were asking...

Truthfully I have close friends who I would have no problem asking, in fact I asked my cousin (we're really close) to host my shower to avoid having other friends host. She was totally cool about it and her daughters (my goddaughters) are super excited.