Forgot MIL's birthday; they're disinheriting us

[Anonymous]

So my husband and I both forgot my MIL's birthday at the beginning of the month. We remembered the next morning and called her and emailed her. Neither MIL or FIL have returned any calls for the entire month. They are in their 80s so my husband called them last night and left a message basically saying if you don't call us back within two days, we'll have to call the cops to make sure you're OK (they live in another state.) It turns out they are so steamed that we forgot her birthday that they called to say they have nothing to say to us, ever, and that this was going to be very costly for us, they're disinheriting us.

OK, so we don't care about the money. They clearly think that's going to scare us into begging for forgiveness or something. My main question is how much should either of us try to smooth this over, given that we have a 4 year old daughter? She's not super tight with them because they live out of state, but in slicing us off from any contact with them (which I'm fine with if it was just me - I absolutely loathe my FIL, I only tolerate my MIL) means they are removing themselves from their granddaughter's life. How would you play this?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like they may be on the road to dementia. Are there other siblings nearby who can check in on them?

[Anonymous]

Wow, they sound absolutely nuts. This can't be the first time they've overreacted like this. I would just shrug and say, fine, it's their loss. I'm sure there are tons of other people in your family's social circle who can pick up that "grandparenting" slack and be there for you. And if not, then think about cultivating some, whether it's at church or some other community group.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I would be concerned about dementia too. This seems like a very extreme reaction, though I think it is understandable for her to be upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like they may be on the road to dementia. Are there other siblings nearby who can check in on them?

No, my husband is an only child, but this is really "typical" of them. My FIL sued his whole family over stock many years ago, so that whole side of the family is estranged. They're just angry, spiteful people who have no room for forgiveness in their lives. The fact that they would even slightly involve my daughter is the only thing that concerns me and makes me wonder if I should get involved, despite my husband wanting to leave things alone, and let them stew as he put it.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the kind of grandparents your child should be protected from. Why give them opportunities to hurt her the way they have apparently hurt other people in the family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the kind of grandparents your child should be protected from. Why give them opportunities to hurt her the way they have apparently hurt other people in the family?

That's what I think too; I guess I was wondering if I have any "duty" to ensure that she has a relationship with these people, or if I'm being an asshole for essentially in my head saying "good riddance."

[Anonymous]

This is absolutely ridiculous that they'd be this upset... they are way off their rockers on this one.

I would simply tell them that their granddaughter will miss them on the upcoming holiday season.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is absolutely ridiculous that they'd be this upset... they are way off their rockers on this one.

I would simply tell them that their granddaughter will miss them on the upcoming holiday season.

+1

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, but perhaps your daughter is better off without them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, but perhaps your daughter is better off without them?

Agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like they may be on the road to dementia. Are there other siblings nearby who can check in on them?

This!

[Anonymous]

Wrestling with pigs. They did the silent treatment thing and you played along. Stop playing. They'll be back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, but perhaps your daughter is better off without them?

Agree.

I agree also. It's a tough thing to say - that she might be better off without these particular grandparents, but maybe it's the truth. And, if you're serious about it, then maybe saying to the grandparents "I'm very sorry to hear that. We don't stay in touch with you for the money so it's fine with us if you disinherit us, but we had hoped for you to have a relationship with your granddaughter. Do you wish to have any level of contact with her?"

FWIW, you and your husband will define the relationship w/ the grandparents for your daughter - whether she has contact w/ them or not. You'll set the tone, manage the context, communicate your own feelings about them in a way that will influence her view of them, etc... So you have a lot of control over how she experiences that relationship, and often it is possible to have a pretty narrowly defined space for grandparent/grandchild contact that preserves a relationship for the child in a way that also respects the difficulties w/ other adults.

Whatever you decide is best, you will be able to make it ok for your daughter.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

If you say you're sorry, they'll think you're just doing it for the inheritance.

If you don't say you're sorry, then there may be no reconciliation.

No one wins, when they're being stubborn and leave you no option. My parents are obsessed with what time of day people call on their birthdays....just because they're getting older doesn't mean they're mature.