Why do my husband and I always fight when we are away?

[Anonymous]

Somehow, this always seems to happen. He and I are away from
Our dd for a "fun" night off in a hotel, where we are supposed to have fun and relax and somehow we always seem to get in a fight about something. I think part is he doesn't feel comfortable out of his regular environment. And then I get upset because I feel like we are wasting money. Has anyone else experienced this? We have been married 6 years

[Anonymous]

Yes. Absolutely. And I agree with you; it's awful, because you had been looking forward to a good time and fighting is the last thing you want to do. But I think you've hit it -- more than likely, he is more uncomfortable than he can admit being out of his regular routine. It's sort of like on a vacation -- it takes at least a couple of days to ease into it and to let your real life go.

[Anonymous]

It's a lot of pressure to feel like you *have* to have fun.

Since you know this happens, you'd be better off watching a movie together on the couch and drinking a bottle of wine or something. Or maybe get a special takeout dinner and light candles and have champagne. Cheaper, lower-stress, etc.

[Anonymous]

Op here. ThNks for making me feel better! Money is a little right right now so I think that made things worse. We had tickets for a show in ny already and spending money on everything involved (hotel etc) probably just added to the situation

[Anonymous]

It could be that you and dh have to face each other and there is no way to avoid each other. At home you can avoid each other by watching TV or cooking or playing with computer.

ps. I hope this is NOT the case.

[Anonymous]

This happens to us too. I've come to realize I'm a big part of the problem since I build the trip/night up in my mind and them am disappointed when my husband has different priorities for the time (i.e. I want to feel like I'm on a great romantic date and reconnect, he wants to decompress by doing nothing or enjoy our time with friends). When I recognized this, things got better since I started (1) talking to him beforehand about what I really wanted to get out of our time together and (2) cutting him some slack for going into a trip with different wants and expectations.

[Anonymous]

If you and your husband are fighting when you are supposed to be enjoying each other's company w/out any distractions, then let that be a red flag that something is not quite right in your marriage.

I do not know the ins and outs of your union, but I know this is not a good sign at all.

[Anonymous]

Stress and anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happens to us too. I've come to realize I'm a big part of the problem since I build the trip/night up in my mind and them am disappointed when my husband has different priorities for the time (i.e. I want to feel like I'm on a great romantic date and reconnect, he wants to decompress by doing nothing or enjoy our time with friends). When I recognized this, things got better since I started (1) talking to him beforehand about what I really wanted to get out of our time together and (2) cutting him some slack for going into a trip with different wants and expectations.

Really good advice, thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you and your husband are fighting when you are supposed to be enjoying each other's company w/out any distractions, then let that be a red flag that something is not quite right in your marriage.

I do not know the ins and outs of your union, but I know this is not a good sign at all.

Ha ha ha!!

Sorry, but this is pretty dramatic.

OP, you fight because of reasons the other PPs have said, and because the act of decompression for some requires blowing off steam. I like the idea of talking beforehand with your husband and figuring out what the trip/evening could be to satisfy both of you. Also, that pressure of "now we will switch from domestic working joes to carefree romantic couple" is hard to do on demand. Maybe next time start out with massages for both of you to get more relaxed. Sorry your trip was a bit of a bust. Good luck next time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you and your husband are fighting when you are supposed to be enjoying each other's company w/out any distractions, then let that be a red flag that something is not quite right in your marriage.

I do not know the ins and outs of your union, but I know this is not a good sign at all.

Oh, please.

No, you do not know the ins and outs of OPs union, so you cannot make such a definitive statement.

I think it simply has to do with the fact of the stress of spending money, the pressure to "have fun" and the limited amount of time to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a lot of pressure to feel like you *have* to have fun.

Since you know this happens, you'd be better off watching a movie together on the couch and drinking a bottle of wine or something. Or maybe get a special takeout dinner and light candles and have champagne. Cheaper, lower-stress, etc.

DH and I do this. We rarely go away for a weekend but we do send the children away for the weekend. It takes us both 2-3 days to settle into a vacation. For a weekend, it's just not worth it. But to be able to sleep in, eat whatever, whenever, that is utterly immediately relaxing.

[Anonymous]

We have the opposite problem, we fight at home and are able to relax and have great fun when we aren't home. Except on big trips, that require a lot of coordination and timing (such as a Disney trip). But our weekends away? Fabulous.

[Anonymous]

I try to keep date nights low key, because otherwise there's too much pressure to have this amazing time. Another problem is that date night can take so much planning / coordination that by the time you arrive at your destination, you're just worn out.

[Anonymous]

I think my wife gets mad at me on "date night" (consciously or subconsciously) as a way to avoid having sex. Since "too much time with the kids" and lack of romance is used as a justification for not having sex; I start having expectations of sex when we do take time off from the kids and go on a solo vacation or date night.

If she preemptively blows that up with a fight; then she doesn't have to have sex with me.

If you guys have an enthusiastic and active sex life, then that's probably not a factor. If sex is a source of tension in your marriage, maybe it is something to look at.