Middle school social changes...need advice for 7th grade boy

[Anonymous]

My 12 yr old son started middle school this fall and is doing well academically but he is struggling from a social perspective. In elementary school, he had several very good friends and sees many of them in middle school but social circles and dynamics are starting to change. He told me this evening that he feels like an outcast. He sees his old friends starting to form new relationships and groups but he is not included.

Kids are more into fashion in middle school but he is not. Topics of conversation are also changing. For example, the boys at lunch are apparently telling a lot of penis jokes but my son is uncomfortable talking about it (I told him its fine if he tells a few). Also, he said everyone is on Instagram but he is not into it at all ... He said he never will use it. He doesn't like the fact that people are just trying to get the most followers. I admire that he is standing up for his principles but am concerned that he will not find a group where he feels accepted unless he goes with the flow more. If he really did not care about fitting in and was happy with the way things were going, it wouldn't matter but he was in tears explaining all of this to me soi am concerned.

I'm looking for ideas and advice. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

There are kids like him out there. He just has to find them and it is hard because those boys are quiet.

The easy answer: join a club or two.

[Anonymous]

You encouraged your son to tell penis jokes and want him to use social media even if doesnt want to? Most parents would not want their kids telling penis jokes and are nervous about their kids being on social media. I would worry that you are sending the message he needs to go with the flow. Do you want him to go with the flow if kids offer him a beer or joint or encourage him to take pictures of a naked drunk girl at a party?

Do you go to a church or temple? Have him join the youth group. Is he athletic? Encourage him to try out for teams. Is he into drama? Encourage him to try out for the play. Or have him join chess team or something.

I hate middle school. Try to make home a happy accepting place for him so that at least he is happy there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You encouraged your son to tell penis jokes and want him to use social media even if doesnt want to? Most parents would not want their kids telling penis jokes and are nervous about their kids being on social media. I would worry that you are sending the message he needs to go with the flow. Do you want him to go with the flow if kids offer him a beer or joint or encourage him to take pictures of a naked drunk girl at a party?

Do you go to a church or temple? Have him join the youth group. Is he athletic? Encourage him to try out for teams. Is he into drama? Encourage him to try out for the play. Or have him join chess team or something.

I hate middle school. Try to make home a happy accepting place for him so that at least he is happy there.

settle down, pp. OP wasn't encouraging him to get on Instagram and telling a penis joke isn't exactly a gateway drug.

[Anonymous]

Tell him to look around and see who else isn't telling the jokes and talk with them. He needs to branch out.

Also, what about making friends withnsome of the girls, esp if he has a project or something with one of them.

He should also join a club that interests him that maybe he wouldn't have considered before.

[Anonymous]

It's interesting that you mentioned this, OP. I was at the park the other day with my young kid, and a group of tween boys were taking a break from soccer practice. They were debating Instagram and getting followers. A few kids were indifferent, a few bragged about getting followers, and a few were emphatic on the privacy dangers or doing x,y, z.

He may feel like an outcast but he's not. He needs to become more comfortable in his own skin.

[Anonymous]

A lot of kids who have trouble socially do well if they can get into a sport or a club of some sort.

[Anonymous]

I agree with previous posters. One, it sounds like he needs some confidence and comfort in who he is. He has to stop defining himself by the standards of a few, even if he was friends with them before. I really would lay on the encouragement and focus on his positives. If he isn't comfortable doing something that is popular, praise him for that maturity. He just made a great decision and he needs to feel good about it.

Two, I think everyone needs some kind of interest to build self-esteem. In my ideal world, every kid would master something that the other kids couldn't do. This way, there is always something they can feel good about and that no one can make them feel bad about. There is a club or activity for everyone. Even if your kid doesn't like any of the clubs, try something solo...rock climbing, music, art, computer programming, etc. Find some world where he is good at something and he can relate to the others in that world.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks, the discussion here is helpful and puts some things into perspective. A few good key points that I liked from other posters:

- He needs to become more comfortable in his own skin (op comment: great advice that I'll pass on)

- Try to make some friends with girls (op comment: good suggestion. It may be hard at his age, but I was always more comfortable talking with girls than other guys)

- Join a club or two (op comment: we tried a few weeks ago, but he didn't find any that he thought he would like so he didn't join anything. We want him to drive the decision but perhaps we can encourage him more).

Regarding instagram, he is a sharp kid and understands that posting things will live forever on the internet so I'm not worried about him doing something stupid. I read an interesting article suggesting that social media is used by tweens/teens to help rank their social status (e.g., the people with a larger number of followers are more popular). I think he is afraid to join in and try it. I highly doubt these facts because they are coming from an emotional 12 yr old but he said that "90% of the kids at his school are on instagram". I was just suggesting that if that is the case, then he should try it out as a way of not feeling like a 'social outcast'. Of course I would monitor it as I do his text messages and email.

My son is into a number of different sports and has met a lot of people on various teams. He's just not great a reaching out and making a connection.

Thanks again for the thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Op here, to 21:39, I loved your entire post, especially "every kid would master something that the other kids couldn't do. This way, there is always something they can feel good about and that no one can make them feel bad about." Great advice.

[Anonymous]

Op here, to 20:19, I liked your final message "Try to make home a happy accepting place for him so that at least he is happy there" We do our best, but I'm sure we can do better.

Regarding the penis joke, my original comment wasn't very clear. My message to him was to do what he thinks is right and that I wouldn't think any less of him if he told that sort of joke. When I was talking with him, I sensed that he felt a bit of shame for even listening to the jokes and I was trying to say that it's not a big deal. Parents have different values, but to me, it's just teenage guy talk that he will need to get used to.

[Anonymous]

What about joining Boy Scouts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, to 20:19, I liked your final message "Try to make home a happy accepting place for him so that at least he is happy there" We do our best, but I'm sure we can do better.

Regarding the penis joke, my original comment wasn't very clear. My message to him was to do what he thinks is right and that I wouldn't think any less of him if he told that sort of joke. When I was talking with him, I sensed that he felt a bit of shame for even listening to the jokes and I was trying to say that it's not a big deal. Parents have different values, but to me, it's just teenage guy talk that he will need to get used to.

Yep, that's what I understood from it, and I agree with you, OP. You allow some of that milder stuff but make it clear where the limits are (offensive sexual stuff, slandering comments, hurtful jokes).

Your son sounds like a great, responsible boy, by the way. As a parent of daughters, I love to hear about good guys out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, to 21:39, I loved your entire post, especially "every kid would master something that the other kids couldn't do. This way, there is always something they can feel good about and that no one can make them feel bad about." Great advice.

+1. I think I'm going to print out that post. Truly great advice, and well said.

[Anonymous]

Get him into a sport ~ any sport.