A Comparing M-I-L
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Anonymous
HELP! I have a mother in law who plays favorites and likes to compare our kids to their cousin in every single conversation that we have, and unfortunately, our kids aren't the favorite. I should add that I don’t mind if she does have a favorite. What I do mind is that she compares the cousin to our kids (personality, skills, etc) in their hearing and our eldest is getting to the age where these kinds of comments are going to be noticed. 
I believe that she isn’t doing this to be malicious, but she doesn’t really have anything else to talk about. Is there any nice, non-confrontational way to tell her to quit it? |
Anonymous
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We have the exact same problem. Our kids are not the favorites. In addition, the comparisons aren't accurate in many cases, and so our DD was starting to find them hurtful. We let it go in our house until our kids started making comments to us, and then we had to say something. We phrased it in terms of "we're so happy to hear how well Joey is doing, and we know that you are proud of him. We know that you are proud of all of your grandkids, but it hurt's DD's feelings when you compare her to Joey."
In our case, we had to make it clear that it was not about comparing the kids. Or that our kids were doing just as well, as that put our MIL on the defensive. I'm sure our MIL now complains that we have "sensitive" children, but it was the only way to try to get her to bite her tongue. And we have to keep reminding her. We also divert the conversation to (yikes) politics, but better me suffer than my kids. |
Anonymous
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Oh Lord, I feel for you. When SIL had her first child, you would have thought it was the second coming of Christ himself. ALL. WE. HEARD. ABOUT. Honestly, I can't even stand the name anymore. The kid is a great kid, has nothing to do with him, obviously. But MIL was absolutely nauseating.
Everything SIL does is so very wonderful and somehow deserved. Vomit. Keep perspective, and realize that MIL sounds insanely (really) ridiculous to everyone within earshot. |
Anonymous
| Why do MILs always have to complain about their DIL'S? MILs should know better, they have more experience, and should be supportive instead of conniving. There are stereotypes for a reason. |
Anonymous
| Maybe its like sorority hazing; once you've reached MIL status, you think its your right to do it. |
Anonymous
| I have to say that I was the favorite(1st grandkid) and am now in my 40's and my grandmom still kinda favors me AND my DC. I call her out on it -- did so even as a teen and beyond. I really have no interest in being favored and definintely don't want my kid used to hurt other people's feelings. I love my GM to the moon and back, but she has a few emotional bad habits -- and I have ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM telling her about them. |
Anonymous
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HELP! I'm a MIL!
I can see what everyone is talking about. Sometimes I find myself talking to one of my kids about the other....including kids....and I think I come accross as comparing them. My intention is for them to be informed about each other....they are all so busy! Please, if anyone has advice as to not come accross as comparing or judgemental....please let me know. I love them ALL so much! |
Anonymous
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MIL PP- I would say that you have some updates on the other grandkids, separately from when you're with one family talking about their own lives. So it doesn't seem like a one-up reply. Then also say-so proud of your achievements, will look forward to sharing with your cousins the next time I see them. They're always asking how you're doing.
But it drives me batty when everything I say is followed by a reply of "well, Susie does such and such." Let me have my moment, and talk about Susie another time. |
Anonymous
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PP: Great advice....thanks!
I am going to be mindful of this. |
Anonymous
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MIL PP, here's a suggestion. Whenever you see one of your children or one of your grandchildren, make them the focus of your attention and the center of the universe for the first 30 minutes. Only ask about them, how they are doing, what's going on in their lives. Anytime the conversation starts to "wind down", e.g. you feel that they've conveyed what they want to about the state of their lives, then you can start with the "family news" about others. Put the family in front of you first and the rest of the family secondary. If there are more than one present, make sure to keep the focus on everyone present. So, if daughter Jane is visiting with Susie and Johnny and son Bobby is visiting with Mike, then you ask how everyone is. If Bobby is monopolizing the conversation, take a minute to ask Jane how work is going or to ask the kids who had a good summer vacation story. Make sure to give each person who wants it a chance to tell their own. After everyone has had a chance to talk about themselves, then you can talk about other family members.
And when talking about children high school and under, try to make all comments on an absolute scale and not on a relative scale. If Susie did well on her SAT, tell her that she did well. And that is NOT the moment to talk about how her cousin Rachel scored so well she was accepted to Harvard. There will be time later to mention that, or perhaps mention it to the adult children after the grandchildren have moved on to other things. |
Anonymous
The children pick up on it when they are old enough and make up their own minds. When I become a MIL/grandmother, I will keep this in mind, as I do not want them to see me in that light 
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Anonymous
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I read this with tears in my eyes because our son is not the favorite on either side. It is so hard to have to answer him when he asks when his grandparents are coming to visit. My parents have cancelled 3 trips in a row to see us because of something that has come up with my brother's family twice and my dad's job once. When they do visit, I am not exagerrrating when I say, my father takes no interest whatever in our son and constantly, constantly talks about my brother's two kids and compares them non-stop to our's. Every single conversation leads back to them.
I want my son to know his grandparents. But what do you do when they don't seem to care if they see him? I can't keep making the effort and continue to have my son disappointed. I can let go of my hurt feelings, but how do I explain it to my son that they haven't come to visit? |
Anonymous
my MIL constantly talks about everyone else and says 'she is just trying to keep everyone informed'. to me, keeping everyone else informed about things that do not involve them is also known as gossip. |
Anonymous
Wow. |
Anonymous
Wow, what? |