Vacation with Aging Parent

[Anonymous]

My mother decided that she wanted to come with us on our next family vacation. I am not at all complaining about her coming with us, and I know that it will be wonderful to have her there. My challenge is that my mother has a really hard time walking, and traveling is hard for her. Had I known that she wanted to come with us, I would have picked a different destination (like a beach resort where everything is there), but we already purchased tickets/prepaid hotel, so that wasn't an option.

This is my question: I have two very active children with a laundry list of things that they want to do. My mother already acknowledged that she won't be up for that much "adventure." I don't want my mom stuck in a hotel room the entire time, yet I want my kids to be able to cross a few things off of their wish list. My mom's proposal was that we could all meet up for a nice dinner, which, in theory sounds great, but my youngest isn't much for allowing us to relax over a nice dinner So my question is, how much time is it fair for my mom to spend alone/how much time is it fair for my kids to hang out in the hotel with grandma. My mom will be the martyr and say "oh just go without me," but then her feelings will be hurt down the road.

Am interested in hearing how you might have balanced competing considerations on your family travels.

[Anonymous]

Where are you going?

Try to pick one activity a day that your mother can do. Figure out from her when she is most active. Maybe she'll want to sleep in and meet up for lunch. Maybe she'll want to do something first thing in the morning, rest, then meet your for dinner.

Budget a certain amount for taxis and just sucked it up and take them when she is along.

[Anonymous]

This is my mom exactly - she's 87 and barely gets off the couch. I usually plan vacations to accommodate all of us, but she surprised you this time, so -- -

Could you rent a wheel chair? I have started doing this and it seems a pretty good compromise. Mom always protests (it makes her feel old!) but in the end, she gets outside and the kids get some activity as well. Even if you are going to some other destination, you might investigate renting a wheel chair locally and they may deliver it to you or you could pick it up in a taxi. I always get the "transport" chair -- it is fairly light weight and folds up easily. It has small wheels (i know my mom won't be pushing herself along) Good luck - I feel your pain.

[Anonymous]

When my DD was little, we did a few long weekend vacations with my grandparents, who were in their early 90s. What worked for us was a nice breakfast together, our nuclear family would head out for the day, we might meet up for lunch, then an early dinner together.

If a nice dinner is too much for your kids--understandable after a long day of adventure--what about meeting in the late afternoon for ice cream? If possible, get a sitter one or more nights so the adults can have a nice dinner together. The other nights, maybe alternate with your spouse on who eats with the kids and who eats with grandma?

If some of your adventures are things that would be enjoyable for her if she didn't have to walk, do get a wheelchair for her. Just watching her grandchildren have a great time can be enjoyable, and is probably why she wants to go.

[Anonymous]

I don't know, I think in this case I'd be tempted to say you think a future trip would work out better.

However, if you're going to go along with her, I think you have to be very clear about the reality of the trip.

"Mom, we're planning to do Adventure Park on Friday, but we could meet you for a 6:00 p.m. dinner at the hotel restaurant. We'll have to leave by 7:30 to get Joey into bed. On Saturday morning, we're going on a boat ride, which you might enjoy. But in the afternoon, you'll have to entertain yourself since we'll be doing a ropes course. I'm worried that you'll be bored since so much of Destination X is focused on adventure travels. If you'd prefer, you could come visit us for a laid-back weekend at home, and then next summer we could plan something that would be more fun for you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, I think in this case I'd be tempted to say you think a future trip would work out better.

However, if you're going to go along with her, I think you have to be very clear about the reality of the trip.

"Mom, we're planning to do Adventure Park on Friday, but we could meet you for a 6:00 p.m. dinner at the hotel restaurant. We'll have to leave by 7:30 to get Joey into bed. On Saturday morning, we're going on a boat ride, which you might enjoy. But in the afternoon, you'll have to entertain yourself since we'll be doing a ropes course. I'm worried that you'll be bored since so much of Destination X is focused on adventure travels. If you'd prefer, you could come visit us for a laid-back weekend at home, and then next summer we could plan something that would be more fun for you."

I think I would go this route. If it is a trip you already planned, it might be easier to plan the next one with your mom in mind. Or what about a mother-daughter long weekend with the kids home with dad?

[Anonymous]

Take her on the mini-adventures and park her on a nice bench in each place- going to hike a waterfall? Take her in, walk slowly with her to a nice enough view, put her on a bench, tell her you'll be back in 45 min and go for your hike.
Going for a bike ride? Take her up to the bike rental place, find a cute coffee shop, park her with a book and meet up for ice cream there afterwards .

Keep your excursions on the shorter side and teach kids to be patient with GM. I think it's a nice gift to them to spend vacation with grandma - and they might really enjoy telling her all about their excursions.

And +1 on the wheelchair!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, I think in this case I'd be tempted to say you think a future trip would work out better.

However, if you're going to go along with her, I think you have to be very clear about the reality of the trip.

"Mom, we're planning to do Adventure Park on Friday, but we could meet you for a 6:00 p.m. dinner at the hotel restaurant. We'll have to leave by 7:30 to get Joey into bed. On Saturday morning, we're going on a boat ride, which you might enjoy. But in the afternoon, you'll have to entertain yourself since we'll be doing a ropes course. I'm worried that you'll be bored since so much of Destination X is focused on adventure travels. If you'd prefer, you could come visit us for a laid-back weekend at home, and then next summer we could plan something that would be more fun for you."

+1. And kudos to you for being so diplomatic.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone, I appreciate it! My mom is definitely coming with us; no ability to reschedule at this point. I'm going to try these tactics, and hopefully it will work. My mom refuses a wheelchair. She'll use a wheelchair in the airport, but that's it. My mom is 69 and looks 10 years younger, until you see her try to walk, so she refuses to use a wheelchair as she wants to keep up appearances that she is younger. I adore my mom, and my kids are really looking forward to having her with us. I just don't want to hurt her feelings, and, at the same time, the trip has been long in the making and is a big expenditure for us (so we won't be going back anytime soon), and I want to make sure we get to explore.

[Anonymous]

We're actually taking my 95-year-old grandmother with us to Great Wolf Lodge. We may be crazy, but she wants to come along and see all her great-grandkids who are meeting up from different parts of the country at the hotel. We're really just planning to leave her alone in the room, other than to have breakfast and dinner all together. She'll probably come down briefly each of the couple days we are there to watch the kids swim. But she really spends most of her days watching TV and napping any way, so hopefully this will work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone, I appreciate it! My mom is definitely coming with us; no ability to reschedule at this point. I'm going to try these tactics, and hopefully it will work. My mom refuses a wheelchair. She'll use a wheelchair in the airport, but that's it. My mom is 69 and looks 10 years younger, until you see her try to walk, so she refuses to use a wheelchair as she wants to keep up appearances that she is younger. I adore my mom, and my kids are really looking forward to having her with us. I just don't want to hurt her feelings, and, at the same time, the trip has been long in the making and is a big expenditure for us (so we won't be going back anytime soon), and I want to make sure we get to explore.

yeah! have fun! can you post where you're going?

i have a lot of very good memories of walking verrrry slowly with my grandmother gripping my hand on multiple adventure-type trips where she would take a little look-see and then go sit down somewhere. I also remember that in Yellowstone park, she and my granfather mostly stayed in their cabin - we went back in the late afternoons, hung out with them, watched some tv, and then went to dinner together as a family. We also did a bit more driving through the park than we might have done otherwise. As an adult, I'm so glad I got that time with both of them.

[Anonymous]

Yes -- my mom also REFUSES the wheelchair -- and I am just that much more stubborn -- so I rent it anyway and take her out. And when she sees the alternative is sitting in the hotel room or going out with me and the kids-- she goes along. Sometimes she uses it like a walker.

[Anonymous]

Just curious--why does she have so much trouble walking? I'm scared about this happening to me when I get older, but how can I prevent it? Does she just have bad knees?

[Anonymous]

Google "diet inflamation"

[Anonymous]

My dad is now more than happy to use a wheelchair, but some years ago when he was in the same position as your mom and didn't want the wheelchair, we planned a couple of trips and day trips around finding him a "camping spot". For example, we were going to the National Aquarium in Baltimore. We stopped off at Phillip's Harborplace and we parked him at the Oyster bar. He had Oysters. clams and beer (for lunch!) and then took a newspaper over to the windows and sat there people watching, looking out into the harbor and then reading his paper (and taking a short nap in his chair). We went to the Aquarium and came back and then we had dinner at Phillips and came back. We had another trip where we were going somewhere for active daytrips and we arranged for a bus tour of the area for my parents. So we dropped them off at the start of their tour, went off to our day trip. When the finished their bustour, they went to a nice coffee shop, had a cup of coffee and relaxed. They had about an hour or hour and a half before we got back. But we enjoyed the drive out and then back home with them. The trip home was nice because we could tell them about our hike and they could tell us about the bus tour.

It takes some planning, but you can sometimes work out things so that you can still share a vacation together even if you don't spend every moment together. But it takes some research to find age-appropriate events for both the old and the young and work to schedule them so that everyone can do everything. Usually the in-between (the parents) vacation gets sacrificed a bit for the sake of the grandparents and kids.