leaving someone suicidal

[Anonymous]

I need advice for my friend, who needs to leave her husband. He's been emotionally distant, withdrawn, sometimes very mean for their whole marriage. He implicitly threatened suicide after a few sessions with a couples therapist until she agreed to quit making him go, and despite her pleas refuses to get help for his depression. They've got two small kids and she's finally ready to leave him but he won't engage with her even enough to figure out how that would works. She's afraid he'll attempt suicide in their home, with her kids around. Complete emotional blackmail. Anyone btdt and have advice? He's distanced from his family, but I think she should reach out to them anyway and let them know what's going on. Does she ask him to leave the house, or does she take the kids and go?

[Anonymous]

I think she should start by asking the couples therapist for advice since he or she is a trained counseled who has met her husband.

[Anonymous]

So sad, and so incredibly hard. I agree w/ PP - your friend should use the therapist as a resource, and can also call the suicide hotlines for other ideas of resources.

My own personal, untrained, uninformed gut instinct is that if she is afraid he may hard himself in the house with the kids there, that is serious. What is best for the children would be for him to leave (probably) but that may not be possible given the behavior you're describing. So she might actually have to leave to feel safe for her and the children.

However, this may actually call for some level of intervention with the option of psychiatric care. If that's the case then enlisting family and friends to help could be important (and it is important for her to have support also.)

Overall, I think you need to help her find support and resources that are with trained professionals who can help her figure out how to do this as safely as possible (for everyone involved). You can be part of her support network but try to do that by getting her professional help (perhaps on several fronts).

I wish them all well. Be sure to not forget that you need to keep your own best interests in mind through this process as well.

[Anonymous]

Have some sort of recording and/or witness to his threats, make sure there is a record with the therapist that he is a danger to himself, and by extension others. Leave and have a restraining order or some sort of supervised visitation. Never leave him alone with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Suicidal gestures are not blackmail. They are screams of pain.

[Anonymous]

I have known of 2 who used it as a threat to keep the woman they wanted. One never attempted, only made her think he was doing it and wouldn't answer the phone for days. The other committed suicide and his wife and daughter found him.

[Anonymous]

Take the kids and yourself to court to get temporary full custody of the kids due to his suicide threats. Have proof, be it the therapist, a friend, a text, email, etc. This will most likely get you and the kids a restraining order against him, causing him to have to leave the house. Hire yourself a good lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Can she call an ambulance/911 next time he says it?
It will be on record this way.
Have her record him secretly when he's having one of these meltdowns. Because when the ambulance comes and he gets all pissy/lies, she can show them.

Also, have her email the therapist every time he does this so she has something in writing as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have known of 2 who used it as a threat to keep the woman they wanted. One never attempted, only made her think he was doing it and wouldn't answer the phone for days. The other committed suicide and his wife and daughter found him.

Doesn't sound to me like the second one got what he wanted. It sounds to me like he was in unimaginable pain.

[Anonymous]

Tell him next time he threatens suicide, she should call 911. I know it varies state by state, but in some states, simply threatening suicide can get the person involuntarily committed for at least 24 hrs. Usually more.

My friend recently lost her husband to suicide (she discovered him in their house) and he hid his intentions. I agree that often times the cry of suicide is a cry for help. HOWEVER, when I was younger I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and when I would try to get out, my boyfriend would threaten to kill himself. I told someone who got him help and from what I hear now, his life has done a 180.

[Anonymous]

She needs to consult an attorney. If she's afraid he will make a suicide attempt while the kids are in the house, she can NEVER leave the kids alone with him, and she should seriously consider whether or not she feels safe even when there's another adult besides the father around.

If any kind of suicide threat has been made, all guns should be immediately moved out of the house, if there are any. Any other prescription meds should be monitored for type/#, both so that if there is an attempt, one can know what/how much has been taken and so that it is clear whether any psych meds are being taken.

If she really thinks he has depression, a couples therapist is worse than useless. Depression can't be addressed by a couples therapist. The husband needs to see a psychiatrist experienced in mood disorders ASAP and try medication.

Any suicide threats must be immediately phoned in to 911. Again, couples therapist is useless for dealing with suicide threats. They are not trained in this except in the most general way. A psychiatrist should be the treating doc for anyone who is threatening suicide.

It is not the responsibility of the spouse to determine whether a suicide threat is "serious" or not. All threats must be treated as serious and reported to 911.

[Anonymous]

Why would she seek an emergency restraining order complete with wire taps when she has never even asked him to leave the house or threatened to leave herself? OP didn't indicate that the husband has ever harmed either her or the children or has ever threatened to do so. If her first step is to suddenly ask a court to remove his access to his home and his children, it will escalate a bad situation.

It is awful that OP's friend is in this situation. But if she doesn't believe she or her children are at immediate risk of harm, she should get advice, probably from the therapist who already knows this guy, about whether there is way to help him. It is totally inappropriate for him to threaten suicide, but that doesn't mean he's not suffering from a serious mental illness.

It seems like a lot of people have a hangup on accepting mental illness as a "real" illness. I don't think several posters would advise her to get out of there immediately if he had cancer.

While I believe there are probably some people who really are awful enough to use suicide threats solely as leverage, there are a lot more who are using them as an awful, misguided, cry for help. Given that OP's friend seems to believe that he really is depressed and that he's had more moderate mental issues throughout their marriage, it sounds like there's plenty of reason to help this guy before pushing him off of a cliff, and a surprise restraining order is a pretty big shove.

[Anonymous]

15:13, I don't think anyone was suggesting she use the couples therapist as this dude's counselor. They were saying she ask the therapist for advice on how to proceed since the therapist has training and knows the husband. There's certainly every reason to think the therapist will give at least as good advice as any of the anonymous folks on this board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have known of 2 who used it as a threat to keep the woman they wanted. One never attempted, only made her think he was doing it and wouldn't answer the phone for days. The other committed suicide and his wife and daughter found him.

Doesn't sound to me like the second one got what he wanted. It sounds to me like he was in unimaginable pain.

So he caused unimaginable pain for his wife and daughter? He told his wife to come back or he would kill himself. He was abusive and cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need advice for my friend, who needs to leave her husband. He's been emotionally distant, withdrawn, sometimes very mean for their whole marriage. He implicitly threatened suicide after a few sessions with a couples therapist until she agreed to quit making him go, and despite her pleas refuses to get help for his depression. They've got two small kids and she's finally ready to leave him but he won't engage with her even enough to figure out how that would works. She's afraid he'll attempt suicide in their home, with her kids around. Complete emotional blackmail. Anyone btdt and have advice? He's distanced from his family, but I think she should reach out to them anyway and let them know what's going on. Does she ask him to leave the house, or does she take the kids and go?

Well if she knows it is only emotional blackmail and that he actually isn't suicidal, then why is she worried he will attempt? And if he actually is suicidal then he isn't just trying to blackmail her, suicide attempts go hand in hand with depression.