FTM Question about Forcing a Toddler to Get Dressed
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Anonymous
Hi more experienced moms. My toddler, now 20 months old, has become a toddler in the last two days - for the first time, she is refusing to let me dress her, whines or cries when she sees me (coming home from work or when I leave), has little melt downs about having to get in the stroller, wants me to pick her up and then when I do wants to get down, etc, etc. These are new behaviors for her, maybe we are a little behind everyone else 
Anyway, when she wouldn't let me dress her this morning (I first gave her options of what to wear, she refused both, then tried to distract her with something else, then went away to let her play by herself, and then returned and tried to dress her again), I ended up holding her still and forcing her limbs into her clothes with her howling... I feel a bit dumb asking this, but is it bad to do this? I'm not sure what else to do ... and I needed her to get dressed. Am I somehow setting the stage for worse behavior or doing somethign that is developmentally harmful to her? I feel weird/not good about forcibly restraining my child and pulling her clothes on her and felt like I did something wrong this morning ... Please help a clueless FTM out! |
Anonymous
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Well, it's never good to make someone cry.
You have to try lots of different approaches to figure out what works for her. For one of my kids it was reverse psychology. "I bet you can't get dressed without help. I bet you can't get dressed before I do." etc. For another one of my kids, I made up a story about the clothing fairy who came each night while she was sleeping and would leave an outfit for the next day. I would even use a bow and everything some days. |
Anonymous
| Your child is not even 2 yet. It's okay to be the parent and dress the child. If we're talking about a 7 year old, then no, I don't think you should forcibly put their arms in shirt sleeves. But for a 1 year old? They are not built to negotiate. Give the PP's methods a try, but don't feel bad if you need to actually dress the toddler. |
Anonymous
| Ok. If a kid if don't age won't get dressed, what is the option. You need to wear clothes for daycare, school, whatever. |
Anonymous
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You do what you have to. Some days distractions work, other days you let them roam around and come back to dress. Some days, it's a little bribe, other days you make it fun like getting dressed is the most fun activity in the world. And yes some days, you will have to force their limbs into clothes(as long as you are hurting said limbs..you know what I mean).
I won't overthink it. Toddlers are moody as hell and weird, especially at this age. |
Anonymous
| I give choices wherever I can - do you want this shirt or this one? Which pants? But getting dressed isn't optional on days we need to leave the house (which is most days). |
Anonymous
| I think sometimes you don't have much choice. I come back in a few minutes or tell her I will count to 5 and then make her get dressed. Or offer a food bribe after she gets dressed. If we don't have time I force her and I hate it. |
Anonymous
I agre with pp that not-even-2 is different than 7. You had kids, right, because they cry alot no matter if you do everything perfect. I don't think lying is the best option. |
Anonymous
| I had a terible time getting my daughter dressed when she was a little older than yours. What really worked for a while was choosing 2 items of clothing--say 2 shirts, and having them "fight" in funny voices about which one got to be her choice. Sounds crazy, I know, but worth a try! |
Anonymous
That sounds crazy. I'm sorry, you sound like a great mom, but that is just wayyyyy above what I would do. My approach is more like, you need to get dressed, we're getting dressed, let's go. Around that age, tooth brushing became a huge battle. The advice here was to make it a game, "Open your mouth, do you see a monkey in there? Let's get the monkey!" Well, that meant brushing his teeth became this long, drawn-out, affair. It was taking forever and required so much fake enthusiasm from me, it just was not sustainable. So when it was time to brush his teeth, I was done with playing, and just pinned him down and brushed his teeth. He screamed, he cried, but after a few days of that, he just calmly opened his mouth when I needed to brush his teeth. And it was never a battle again. The good thing about kids is that they change constantly, so no annoying habit will last forever. (Periods of good behavior don't last forever, either!) Just get the kid dressed, in whatever way you can, and before long, she will have moved on to the next thing to test you. |
Anonymous
+1. I'm not OP but I doubt the howling was more out of frustration than actually being hurt/upset. I would have done with you did, OP. |
Anonymous
Meant to say I BET not doubt the howling was more out of frustration.... |
Anonymous
A friend of mine dealt with this by bagging the clothes up, wrapping her naked toddler in a blanket and delivering her to daycare naked. After the first time, the kid was so shocked that she didn't do it again. |
Anonymous
Your friend is a moron. You don't make your problem someone elses problem. |
Anonymous
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This is probably a temporary thing and will pass for a little while before returning when the full-on "terrible twos" hit. However, that doesn't make it any easier!
I read once that children who feel securely attached to their parents/caregivers are more likely to throw tantrums and be argumentative (i.e. they know their parents/caregivers will still love them and be there despite their behavior). I always tell myself this when things get tough.
Your DD is getting to that age where she wants to be able to do things herself and make her own choices but often can't do the things she wants to do yet, and it's frustrating to her. I think it's in the "Happiest Toddler on the Block" that it says toddlers are on the losing end all day long, so no wonder they're frustrated. Imagine if you couldn't reach the things you wanted, someone told you not to do the things you wanted to do, and someone hauled you around without regard for your desires to do something else! Obviously, we can't change these things, but I think it helps to just focus on giving the child as much responsibility and autonomy as he/she can handle and being consistent and firm. There's nothing wrong with what you did in dressing your DD, but I think it's good to try out different options and see what might work. One helpful thing is often to make a routine and/or to add a song or something else to make it fun. Giving choices is a great option, but obviously, it doesn't always work (as you found). Oftentimes it works to involve your LO in the process of doing something, making him/her feel important and like they are doing something. For example, you could tell your DD that she needs to get dressed. Then you could tell her that you're going to help her but that she is going to get dressed herself. Then, instead of putting her arms and head through her shirt, etc., hold it out so SHE can put her arms through, etc. You will probably have to wait a minute or two before she does what you have asked, but she may do it. My LO often runs off for a minute to do something else, but if I keep holding out a shirt (or whatever it is) and firmly remind him that it's time to get dressed, he comes back usually and happily gets dressed. I've also heard the philosophy that you tell the kids what they CAN do and not what they CAN'T do. So, gently saying something like, "DD, you may put on your shirt now." And repeating this firmly until she does it (or you intervene and tell her you are going to help her do this). If she's doing something she doesn't want to stop doing to get dressed, you could tell her that she can do whatever it is one more time and then has to get dressed. This tends to work well with my DS -- he'll fight doing whatever I've asked him to do, but if I tell him he can finish playing with whatever he has one more time and then I calmly let him do that and even engage with him in a fun manner during it, then he often is much more responsive to doing what he needs to do afterwards. I think this kind of "previewing" maybe also helps them feel a little bit in control and knowledgeable about what to expect next. I also think you have to work on consistency. If you say, "You have to get dressed," then you have to stay on task and follow through with it -- not leave and let her do something and then come back (unless you told her you would let her play for one more minute or something). Finally, I find that I'm usually in much more of a hurry than my DS is. It takes longer for them to process things than it does adults, and they don't always know how to respond next. Sometimes we rush to say the next thing or grab a child to dress them because we think they aren't responding to our calls, when in reality, they are just processing more slowly and might come over when they fully understand the situation. I don't think this is the case with your DD, but it's always helpful to remember to slow down a little. We parents are always in a hurry! |