I resent my husband-divorce or continue?

[Anonymous]

I dont know which word correctly describes my feelings toward him! After the birth of our second child, I feel like I can't stand my husband anymore. He annoys me on every level. I feel so under appreciated. I work full time, cook, clean, bath the kids, take them to school, pick them up, etc. But somehow instead of getting the appreciation that I deserve, I end up being this evil wife who stresses my husband so much. He complains that I am thecause of being underappreciated because I dont provide him with an opportunity to appreciate me; by that he means that I have to be smiling and be cute all the time so he can brin himself to kiss me or cuddle me or thank me!!!!
I feel like just because I married young, I was never able to establish my boundaries with my husband and now after being married for 15 years I feel like it is too late. I feel like he never made me feel like a woman and now he doesnt make me feel like a competent mom either. I am tired of this dynamic. I have gotten to a point where I dont care what he thinks or how he feels.
I feel like I have to stay with him for the sake of the kids, but part of me wants to live the life I want so badly that I want out.
What should I do? any suggestion as to how to make it work? or whethere I should leave?

[Anonymous]

Counseling. Don't leave. This sounds like it can be fixed if you both put some work into it. Seriously. It sounds like you do most of the child-related work, and that has to change. But it also sounds like you don't spend time together as a couple (and at this point that you don't want to). These things can be worked on, OP.

[Anonymous]

I agree with 11:21 - your marriage can be salvaged only if both of you want to invest serious time and energy. if it's a one-way street it will never work and you'll be even more frustrated than you are now.

your H sounds like my ex - she checked out and didn't appreciate all that I had picked up with the kids so her career could get back on track - and it was never enough. she ultimately didn't want to try (she had an emotional affair that then turned physical) - only now, 2+ years later, does she realize where she went wrong (though we both are responsible for the dissolution of our marriage).

GL!

[Anonymous]

Stop working. Find a way.

[Anonymous]

You want to stay at home, don't you?

[Anonymous]

It's never too late to change dynamics. There may be other factors that prohibit you from moving forward, but that is not one. If he refuses to change, that is one thing.

I agree with counseling. There is something about working with a third party there in the room with you, that sometimes can prompt people to listen, to voice their issues better, and then change can happen.

[Anonymous]

You want to stay at home, don't you?

Not OP here. Where did you get this from OP's post????

[Anonymous]

Don't think you should leave unless this has been a discussion you've had with him many times already and you've tried counseling both alone for help setting boundaries etc. and together. Division of labor, making time for each other, and having both parties feel appreciated is always an on-going discussion. Things change over time and if the couple is committed to finding a solution together rather than being apart, you can work it out.

[Anonymous]

You have kids now. This is the time you both have to put the most effort into your relationship. You want your kids to have a happy life so work together with your husband to create that.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound very unhappy and unsatisfied in your marriage.

In marrying young, I am pretty sure you also gave up some of your youth and all of the freedom and wonderful experiences you could have had.

After fifteen yrs., you feel undervalued, unappreciated as well as carrying most of the responsibility of the home and children.

In my opinion, it is very unfair of your husband to expect you to do the brunt of the driving, cooking, cleaning and childcare duties along w/holding a job. Trust me, anyone in your shoes would feel the exact same way OP.

And then when you raise your concerns, he blames you! What nerve!!

It sounds like all your respect and love for him has gradually eroded over the years and like you stated, you just don't care anymore.

If you think you can get those positive feelings back, for instance, if your husband changed his ways tomorrow...Do you think you could start to love him like you once did? In other words, is this marriage salvageable? If you think it could be, then I suggest talking to your husband when both of you are alone w/out any distractions or children. Best time would be when both of you are calm and in relatively good spirits. Let him know how overwhelmed you feel on a daily basis and that you feel like he is taking you for granted. Let him know that it is stressing you out both physically and mentally and that you really need more support on his end.

If however, you do not think there is any hope for the two of you, there is no shame in parting ways.

To spend the rest of your life miserable + unhappy just for the sake of "the kids" makes no sense.

Hope this helps.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Well, I wonder what he would say about her. It's tough to put yourself in the shoes of the other spouse. Is he just kicking back with free time? If so, then absolutely he should pick up some of what OP is doing. If his time is also occupied by non-leisure activities, then the couple just has too much on their plate; needs to prioritize and, to some extent, suck it up and realize that life with new kids is hard.

Red flags go up in my mind when someone talks about what they "deserve". A lot of times it's accurate; but a lot of times it's more of an overactive sense of entitlement. I think I "deserve" sex more than three times a month by way of appreciation for all I do for the family. But that's not the way it works. If I'm doing good things - but not the sorts of things that makes my wife feel attracted - that appreciation is not going to happen.

Similarly if OP is working her ass off at tasks that OP's husband doesn't regard as mission critical, appreciation is less likely. E.g. "I baked cupcakes from scratch!" Yes, it's work. And yes, it's for the family. But: a) we could have done without baked goods; and b) it's not a huge deal if it comes out of a box. (That's just an example, a lot of women go into Super Mommy mode to an extent that's not strictly necessary and in a way that ends up being detrimental to themselves and to their relationship with their husbands.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I wonder what he would say about her. It's tough to put yourself in the shoes of the other spouse. Is he just kicking back with free time? If so, then absolutely he should pick up some of what OP is doing. If his time is also occupied by non-leisure activities, then the couple just has too much on their plate; needs to prioritize and, to some extent, suck it up and realize that life with new kids is hard.

Red flags go up in my mind when someone talks about what they "deserve". A lot of times it's accurate; but a lot of times it's more of an overactive sense of entitlement. I think I "deserve" sex more than three times a month by way of appreciation for all I do for the family. But that's not the way it works. If I'm doing good things - but not the sorts of things that makes my wife feel attracted - that appreciation is not going to happen.

Similarly if OP is working her ass off at tasks that OP's husband doesn't regard as mission critical, appreciation is less likely. E.g. "I baked cupcakes from scratch!" Yes, it's work. And yes, it's for the family. But: a) we could have done without baked goods; and b) it's not a huge deal if it comes out of a box. (That's just an example, a lot of women go into Super Mommy mode to an extent that's not strictly necessary and in a way that ends up being detrimental to themselves and to their relationship with their husbands.)

+1....can you please talk to my exW and set her straight so she doesn't screw up her next relationship.

BTW, I think I love you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I wonder what he would say about her. It's tough to put yourself in the shoes of the other spouse. Is he just kicking back with free time? If so, then absolutely he should pick up some of what OP is doing. If his time is also occupied by non-leisure activities, then the couple just has too much on their plate; needs to prioritize and, to some extent, suck it up and realize that life with new kids is hard.

Red flags go up in my mind when someone talks about what they "deserve". A lot of times it's accurate; but a lot of times it's more of an overactive sense of entitlement. I think I "deserve" sex more than three times a month by way of appreciation for all I do for the family. But that's not the way it works. If I'm doing good things - but not the sorts of things that makes my wife feel attracted - that appreciation is not going to happen.

Similarly if OP is working her ass off at tasks that OP's husband doesn't regard as mission critical, appreciation is less likely. E.g. "I baked cupcakes from scratch!" Yes, it's work. And yes, it's for the family. But: a) we could have done without baked goods; and b) it's not a huge deal if it comes out of a box. (That's just an example, a lot of women go into Super Mommy mode to an extent that's not strictly necessary and in a way that ends up being detrimental to themselves and to their relationship with their husbands.)

Well said!!! I'm a mom/wife and the cupcake example really applied to me. I realized I was doing things that weren't "mission critical" (love it) and resenting my husband for not realizing how hard I was working to do them. He finally sat me down and basically said "look, you are the one who is deciding that when we have people over for dinner everything has to be made from scratch and be multi courses and to the nines. Our friends, and me, are just as happy with take out or a simple meal. Please stop taking it out on me because you are choosing to spend 5 hours in the kitchen and I don't think it is fair that you then get mad at me." And he was right. Made a HUGE different in our marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP, you can always set up new boundaries with your husband. Start with that. Previous pp is right, would he care about different sorts of things? Lastly, have you given any real thought of staying home? It might really help, you'd not have the work stress which is huge. As for the life you want to have, can you describe it? You seem unhappy and that needs to be fixed. What sort of life do you envision yourself having? Even if you divorce your husband, you'd still be a mom with what I presume are young kids. What would divorcing your husband allow you to do keeping the kids in mind that you can't do by being married to him? I'm assumming that he's more clueless as opposed to being a controling bastard. I could be wrong, so I'd like you to explain.