Tired of holding us together

[Anonymous]

Im pretty sure DH is depressed and has been for the last two years. His self confidence is in the toilet, gained a lot of weight, thinks he's stuck at his job, health issues (due to weight) and constantly refers to himself as a loser. But he refuses to get counseling or make lifestyle changes and the job search is half hearted. I went to counseling six months ago for about three months but it didn't really help.

I'm not looking to divorce him or anything but I'm so tired of having to do everything (work full time plus all childcare, cleaning, etc) plus constantly reassuring him - no, you're not a loser, yes the kids and I think you're wonderful, etc, while he just lies on the couch watching tv and feeling sorry for himself.

We are on a tight budget with no room for extras so I can't go away or hire a cleaning service. And mostly I'm sick of being fake chipper and upbeat to try to keep his spirits up. I feel like a hamster on a wheel. We've been together almost fourteen years and he used to be so funny, optimistic and outgoing. I really want to support him but I'm just tired and don't know what to do anymore. Nothing is working and I feel so alone

[Anonymous]

OP you are far from alone.

So sorry to hear of this situation.

I have dealt with similar things. My husband had ADD, rage issues, AND depression. Quite the combo! I have felt like the only rational adult many many many times.

The first step here is to get your husband to understand that he cannot will his way out of this depression. It is not his fault. It is not well understood if depression is a vulnterability to it, or something that can happen due to stress and a kind of wearing down of the mind, but in the end, once it gets to a certain point, it just does not matter. What IS known is that medications to level out the altered brain chemistry and therapy to level out the attitudes developed in this chemistry induced fog are currently the best effective method for turning this around.

I had the great fortune of hearing a Terri Gross interview of the author who wrote "Anatomy of a Depression". He described his oh so gradual descent so eloquently and compellingly, that despite the many personal accounts I have heard about depression, I found myself in awe of the scope of elements he described that contributed to the day he found himself unable to get out of bed.

The good news, OP, is that this is not some unique situation. Your husband can be told with the utmost of confidence that everything he is thinking and feeling about himself, despite how very personal it feels, is in every way completely the norm for every person going through this terrible state.

As to your role here: of course you cannot hold the family together forever. Your one task must now be to get him treatment. It will be a thankless task intitally. But you must do it because you are the only person with the wits about you that are needed.

Do you have insurance?

If so, find out who takes it and make the call.

Be prepared for the awful reality that most psychiatrists do not take insurance. And that you need to monitor the situation overall. When meds are prescribed, you MUST research them and learn everything you can about their side effects. Let the doc know you wish to contribute your observations. Look for the right fit here- someone who will listen.

Its a hard path- but OP, sorry to say, as someone who holds this family together, I hear that you are tired, but you must be strong right now. Get yourself counseiing if you can to support you in this undertaking. Call the NAtional Alliance for the Mentally Ill and get their Pysch referral list for your area. I called them the other day and got some good info and tips.

I am realizing I must surround myself with people who are in my position, and there are many of us. Many of us have a spouse who has succumbed to this illness of depression, and it is so very hard. But there is hope once the proper treatments and interventions are in place. Find support in online groups, hotlines, and the most trusted friends. There probably are not many who fit the bill, but all you need is one.

Go the http://nami.org/ and poke around. You will find some strength in numbers. I know the feeling of being alone. And of having to hide what is going on from those who might judge and not understand. And none of it feels fair, but its not about fair. He is ill and he cant think his way out of this, because the parts of him that think are seeing everything through a filter that is distorted. As bad as it makes you feel, he feels even worse. And I feel pretty darn bad- having been the recipient of verbal and emotional abuse as sort of bonuses to the depression and the ADD. Whee!

Hang in there OP. Again, you are NOT alone.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure I have anything helpful to say but I am so sorry. That is really, really hard. I haven't been there, quite, though my DH struggled (successfully) with severe anxiety, and I know how very tough that can be.

I think you should try counseling again, and you should insist he do the same. I wish you the best. You sound like a really good person.

[Anonymous]

I am in the same boat on a different deck. I am trying to keep my mom, my young adult aged son and me all afloat in a turbulent sea of different mental illnesses. I feel like giving up today, but that's just not an option. On any given day I am grateful to be numb instead of upset. It's not easy. All we can do is just keep plugging away. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry you are dealing w/this unfortunate situation, but am confused by your post.

It sounds like your husband is neglecting his appearance and his health (both mental + physical), doesn't have any motivation to work and is putting all the domestic responsibility on you, yet you won't leave him.

In all honesty, then there is nothing anyone on this forum can advise you to do.

You have already tried counseling and that didn't solve the problem.

So if you won't leave him, then it is by your own choice unfortunately that your husband will drag you down alongside him. Actually from what you wrote, he already is.

I strongly advise you to re-consider staying w/him. He has a lot of issues that he needs to deal w/as a responsible adult and he has no right to ruin your life along w/his.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Get rid of cable!!!

I am unemployed and slightly depressed. Our cable went out for a few days and it made me really how much TV was sucking me in. You would save money and maybe it would make him look around and want to find other stuff to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am sorry you are dealing w/this unfortunate situation, but am confused by your post.

It sounds like your husband is neglecting his appearance and his health (both mental + physical), doesn't have any motivation to work and is putting all the domestic responsibility on you, yet you won't leave him.

In all honesty, then there is nothing anyone on this forum can advise you to do.

You have already tried counseling and that didn't solve the problem.

So if you won't leave him, then it is by your own choice unfortunately that your husband will drag you down alongside him. Actually from what you wrote, he already is.

I strongly advise you to re-consider staying w/him. He has a lot of issues that he needs to deal w/as a responsible adult and he has no right to ruin your life along w/his.

Good luck.

Oh sush. Her choice is that she's staying with her husband of 14 years as he battles an illness. Whether she is obligated to do so or not, she certainly does not deserve to be made to feel like she is making an inappropriate choice by doing so. And, I feel like attidues like yours are one reason people pretend they don't need medical help for depression and try to will themselves out of it.

OP, I am sorry to hear about the situation you are in. To the extent possible, stress to your husband that seeing a psychiatrist can help and that he should not expect the problem to go away without taking action. If he's the type of person who can be prodded into exercise, also strongly encourage that, because exercise is often an extremely effective depression treatment. And try to remember that most people recover from depression eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure I have anything helpful to say but I am so sorry. That is really, really hard. I haven't been there, quite, though my DH struggled (successfully) with severe anxiety, and I know how very tough that can be.

I think you should try counseling again, and you should insist he do the same. I wish you the best. You sound like a really good person.

Not to nitpick, because I generally agree with what you're saying, but first and foremost, he needs to see a psychiatrist, not a counselor. Once the psychiatrist diagnoses and starts to treat him, he might also benefit from some sort of cognitive therapy from a counselor, but I think it starts with treating this as a medical issue requiring a doctor. Anyhow, I suspect he'd be more receptive to seeing a psychiatrist than a counselor to start with, because telling someone that's depressed that they need to see a counselor sounds to them like you're saying "I think you can just talk through your issues," which is not how they feel at that moment. And the doctor will tell him to see a counselor if appropriate anyhow.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks to everyone for your kind responses. It never ceases to amaze me that DCUM is renowned for snarky but when someone is in a pinch the kindness and support is really there. I was in a dark place last night but seeing your empathetic responses this morning gave me new hope and some energy to start fresh to renew the push for counseling/therapy. I appreciate everyone who took the time to respond. It helps to know I'm not the only one

[Anonymous]

OP- I was the "first responder" to your post.

This really is the first step- knowing you arent alone. Feeling like you are the only one can really distort a persons perceptions as to what the options are.

Im finding myself in a WEIRD place today. Met with a counselor Ive met with before, told her ALL of my husbands history, and she said I should really check out Borderline Personality Disorder. Not to pathologize DH but a lot of the absence of real coping mechanisms and the reactive aspects of it really point to that. And I feel a combination of relief and that this is a death sentence for the marriage.

But I know there is a long road ahead as to what I am going to do either way. IT just helps to have another angle on the problem. NOONE has EVER mentioned this, not any psychiatrist, not any psychologist. Good old social worker nailed something, a pattern, that NOONE ELSE DID.

Go figure.

Hang in there OP. Do nice things for yourself here and there. Dont let this control your entire life. Thats the boat I am in: its controlled my whole life and I am done with that. Come what may.

Also, I must protet my child from being exposed any further to my husbands inability to cope with things. I have to make sure she knows his responses, when they arent normal, are not correct. That is tough because I dont want to undermine him as a parent But his distortion is something I cannot have direct our daughters future happiness.

All this is to say: I know there will be more dark places. But I am no longer afraid.

[Anonymous]

My advice is psychiatrist first. Then counselor.

Meds will stabilize the mind to the point that he can then make use of the counseling. If he tries to go to counseling without the biochemical support of the medication, he will be spinning his wheels.

Ask him to just go see a psychiatrist. Their appointments usually are not long. He just needs to start there. The psych will direct the care from then on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I was the "first responder" to your post.

This really is the first step- knowing you arent alone. Feeling like you are the only one can really distort a persons perceptions as to what the options are.

Im finding myself in a WEIRD place today. Met with a counselor Ive met with before, told her ALL of my husbands history, and she said I should really check out Borderline Personality Disorder. Not to pathologize DH but a lot of the absence of real coping mechanisms and the reactive aspects of it really point to that. And I feel a combination of relief and that this is a death sentence for the marriage.

But I know there is a long road ahead as to what I am going to do either way. IT just helps to have another angle on the problem. NOONE has EVER mentioned this, not any psychiatrist, not any psychologist. Good old social worker nailed something, a pattern, that NOONE ELSE DID.

Go figure.

Hang in there OP. Do nice things for yourself here and there. Dont let this control your entire life. Thats the boat I am in: its controlled my whole life and I am done with that. Come what may.

Also, I must protet my child from being exposed any further to my husbands inability to cope with things. I have to make sure she knows his responses, when they arent normal, are not correct. That is tough because I dont want to undermine him as a parent But his distortion is something I cannot have direct our daughters future happiness.

All this is to say: I know there will be more dark places. But I am no longer afraid.

Thank you, PP. you are right about not letting it control our lives. I wish you good luck and I hope this new direction from your social worker helps get to the route of your DH's problems. I appreciate all the advice and I'll be hoping that things turn a corner for both of us soon.