Lost It Yesterday...

[Anonymous]

My DW and I have been separated now going on three years. I moved out after I discovered that she had an affair, which she refuses to acknowledge to me. She keeps sayint she wants to get back together, but I tell her until she acknowledges the affair and we get counseling to deal with the issues that led her to it I am not coming back. Note: My DW has a very high conflict personality. She thrives on drama. I do my best not to get sucked into it, as I need to judiciously pick my battles.

In any case, yesterday we were talking about our DD and her academic performance - basically her laziness when it comes to homework. I have already laid out to DD that her homework is her responsibility. If she doesn't do it, then the bad grades that are the consequence are hers to own. I never had my parents police my homework at age 14. I believe my daughter should be able to take care of this on her own. DW's yelling at her, standing over her shoulders, etc. is actually counterproductive and leads DD to push back. It is a teenage thing. So, I told my DW that she needs to take a hands off approach and let DD stand or fall on her own. She blew up at me, telling me I am being stupid b/c we need to impress DD that her homework is important. I told her that I already have, but she is not going to be motivated unless that motivation comes from inside. I then related that my parents never felt the need to "watch over me." She responded, "well, your father never left your mother alone to handle all this s**t." At that point, I lost it and told her that my father "never cheated on my mother!" This is the first time in a long time I brought this up again, and it elicited a strong "F**k You!" and then a rage expletive filled text messages to my BB and e-mail over the next hour or so. I will just hold on to these as evidence as to how unhinged she is. Perhaps they will come in handy when I finally put in those divorce papers.

[Anonymous]

This does not sound healthy. You sound like you have a lot of anger. Have you seen a therapist on your own?

BTW - commenting on each other's parenting like that is bound to cause problems. Can you try to suggest she back off in a more supportive way?

I'm feeling very sorry for your kid right now (I was that kid ... ).

[Anonymous]

Speaking as an attorney, people think these things are "evidence." They are not.

[Anonymous]

Hasn't this been posted before? I swear I read this earlier this year.

[Anonymous]

You've posted here before about your issues with your estranged wife.

Why, after 3 years, are you not divorced?

[Anonymous]

I think your response is as bizarre as your wife's. Deal with the passive aggressive anger you have toward your wife. On a side note, no, you shouldn't stand over your daughter during homework...but she needs consequences for not doing. You're choosing to not parent your daughter by opting for "natural consequences."

[Anonymous]

She cheated and you left? I don't understand? You should have kicked her out.

I also don't understand why you're standing shoulder to shoulder while your kid does (or doesn't do, as the case may be) homework.

[Anonymous]

I'm divorced. It sucks. Why after 3 years have you not been to counseling with her to resolve these issues and why haven't you divorced? I'm the product of a healthy marriage with two supportive parents. My ex's home life was messed up. I attribute a lot of our issues to the examples that were set for us. I'm doing everything I can to be mindful of that in raising our two kids. I'm sure your daughter is as upset and torn about the situation as you are -- especially since the relationship sounds so toxic and obvious. Poor kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Speaking as an attorney, people think these things are "evidence." They are not.

+1. Mine left me with bruises several time (I made a report and called 911), never paid taxes though hundreds of thousands went through his bank account(sold coke),called cops on me who I took our car titled to both of us.
Nothing is evidence, nobody wants to hear about your fights.Get a divorce and move on, the kid will be 18 soon.

[Anonymous]

You are separated. You no longer have any say on how she parents and what goes on when she is at moms house. Of course, this is excepting any type of abuse or illegal activity. She wants to yell at DD about homework then she gets to at her house. You want to ignore DD's homework then you get to at your house.

BTW, no judge and even your lawyer don't want to see texts or emails from your wife calling you an asshole. The courts these days don't take kids away from their parents or grant sole custody lightly. There are many cases where a parent has beaten another parent but not the child. They still have some custody of their child even if just for day visits. Heck, kids that are actually taken away from their parents by CPS still can have supervised visits with their parents. And this is real abuse/danger not some stupid argument where your wife curses at you and says she hopes you die. Just get divorced already.

[Anonymous]

Three years is a long separation...get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DW and I have been separated now going on three years. I moved out after I discovered that she had an affair, which she refuses to acknowledge to me. She keeps sayint she wants to get back together, but I tell her until she acknowledges the affair and we get counseling to deal with the issues that led her to it I am not coming back. Note: My DW has a very high conflict personality. She thrives on drama. I do my best not to get sucked into it, as I need to judiciously pick my battles.

In any case, yesterday we were talking about our DD and her academic performance - basically her laziness when it comes to homework. I have already laid out to DD that her homework is her responsibility. If she doesn't do it, then the bad grades that are the consequence are hers to own. I never had my parents police my homework at age 14. I believe my daughter should be able to take care of this on her own. DW's yelling at her, standing over her shoulders, etc. is actually counterproductive and leads DD to push back. It is a teenage thing. So, I told my DW that she needs to take a hands off approach and let DD stand or fall on her own. She blew up at me, telling me I am being stupid b/c we need to impress DD that her homework is important. I told her that I already have, but she is not going to be motivated unless that motivation comes from inside. I then related that my parents never felt the need to "watch over me." She responded, "well, your father never left your mother alone to handle all this s**t." At that point, I lost it and told her that my father "never cheated on my mother!" This is the first time in a long time I brought this up again, and it elicited a strong "F**k You!" and then a rage expletive filled text messages to my BB and e-mail over the next hour or so. I will just hold on to these as evidence as to how unhinged she is. Perhaps they will come in handy when I finally put in those divorce papers.

I don't see how is she unhinged. It sounds like a run of the mill escalating argument in which you played your role, too.

[Anonymous]

I think both of you need to get into counseling, with an idea for coming to a resolution about your relationship (agree with others that this endless separation is pointless--divorce or get back together). Main focus of the counseling should be figuring out co-parenting strategies.
Not know the whole situation, I'd say neither of you are handling DD homework situation well. You both are on the extremes of the spectrum (you--nothing at all, her--hovering) and I think you need to strike a better balance.

[Anonymous]

Jesus, you think your 14yo is equipped to prepare for the "natural consequences" of slacking off in school? So when she fails to get into college at 18 are you just going to shrug and tell her she should have been working harder for the past 4 years? She is still a child and you need to be incentivizing/prioritizing her academic performance. The only part of this you are correct about is the not hovering during homework, but forget what your parents did or didn't do with you - you were a different child than your daughter is, growing up in a different time - and focus on what YOUR child needs. Which is to develop healthy study habits and a respect for the importance of her academic performance. Someone should be checking her homework every night before bed and she should lose a privilege if it isn't completed to satisfaction. Bigger consequences for failing tests or quarters. Who else is going to teach her before it is too late if it isn't you (and your STBX)??

[Anonymous]

It sounds a little like OP thrives on drama too...