Lost It Yesterday...

[Anonymous]

You're the same guy that posted about leaving your wife but wanting to work it out for the sake of your 14 year old. And, your wife wants another kid, despite living separately. Oh and she's unemployed. You're still complaining about her...MOVE ON! Nothing is going to change.

[Anonymous]

You and your ex have to be a team when it comes to parenting. Her accusation about doing it solo and yours about the affair were both inappropriate. You are ignoring DD's non-verbal cry for help by simply turning the problem back on her as solely one of motivation. Your wife is nagging and yelling at her about homework. Neither approach is useful.

Apologize for your part to the Mom, say you know she loves DD and wants her to have good educational opportunities and propose a new approach -- you and she partner together and tell your DD together that you love her and are concerned about her school performance and she is going to go see a Dr. who specializes in helping kids figure out what their strengths/weaknesses are and how to do better in school. That Dr. will also tell both of you what are effective approaches to monitoring homework and encouraging achievement and goals reasonable to DDs abilities.

Then send DD to a good neuropsychologist who does school testing. (Of course, you will have presented your wife with the bios and tentative appointments with 2 or 3 different neuropsychs and tell her that, if she agrees to the plan, she can select which one she thinks will be best.) Not doing homework is not always a motivational problem. The neuropsych will also be able to tease out how much any depression or family strife might be impacting student performance.

Sometimes it can be better for all parties to hear from a neutral source what the problems are, what the strengths are and how to move forward. Your daughter might be more motivated when she hears from a stranger -- "you're smart but there are things you're not doing." Your wife might be more receptive to a parenting plan to better motivate your child when it's proposed by an educational/psychological professional rather than you. And I hope you would listen if the neuropsych told you, your kid can't perform because you are always sending the message she is unmotivated and lazy when really she has a fucked up home life with two parents who are fighting all the time.

It will cost money, but it is an effective way to take up this problem and keep your daughter's school failure from being a way to keep re-hashing the separation. Also, think about this -- kids are geniuses at getting attention for a problem, even when it's negative attention. As long as you and Mom are yelling at each other about her, you are "together". Try to agree with each other that you will give special joint, enjoyable attention to her when she "performs" well in school. My ex and I do "report card" dinners when our kids are doing well at school. All of us together go out to a restaurant chosen by child to celebrate child's performance, and we always make sure there is no parental sniping that evening.

And, speaking from a position similar to yours (the cheated-upon spouse) -- fish or cut bait. You told your wife to acknowledge the affair and get help if she wanted to maintain the relationship. She hasn't done so. You have to move on. Sometimes people say one thing with their words and another thing with their actions/behavior. Your wife is saying she wants to get back together but not doing what you said was the key to reuniting. That speaks volumes more than the verbal "I want to get back together." See an attorney, consider with an attorney what steps are necessary to ensuring that if you divorce you get partial custody during the week and weekend, so that at least on your time DD will be monitored appropriately for school work.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you had a fight. Motion dismissed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: You're the same guy that posted about leaving your wife but wanting to work it out for the sake of your 14 year old. And, your wife wants another kid, despite living separately. Oh and she's unemployed. You're still complaining about her...MOVE ON! Nothing is going to change.

+1! I'm usually anti-divorce, but for god's sake, get one. You're driving each other crazy and getting crazier is definitely worse for your DD.

Get it straight: right now DD's biggest problems are 1, mom and 2, dad, who need to 3, divorce. HW is an issue, and as a responsible parent, I'd meet with her teacher(s) to see how she's performing in school otherwise. Maybe she needs testing for academics, but she probably also needs to see the school counselor to cope with home issues. With her home life, who could think, must less focus on HW?

[Anonymous]

You are both wrong.

Natural consequences with a 14? Are you a dumbass? For the same reason you wouldn't expect a teenager to get the natural consequences of sex.

Pay the girl for her grades. That motivates a teenager.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've posted here before about your issues with your estranged wife.

Why, after 3 years, are you not divorced?

Because this story isn't real. I admit that I assumed this to be a genuine poster the first time or two.

[Anonymous]

Wow some of these responses are so harsh. I'm not sure but I think the OP needed to be heard, not judged. A three-year separation when there is a child, especially a young teen, is completely believable - these are the most fragile years.

I have been virtually separated for 2.5 years (tho same house) and we also have a young teen who shirks homework (even lies about whether he's done it), and my spouse and I disagree in exactly the same way. We don't want to mess up his life by divorcing but we can't see eye to eye on almost anything.

The thing that saved us is a new school. This public school takes full responsibility for applying consequences that matter to the child, and freeing the parents of that obligation while ensuring the parent is well-informed. It has relieved SO MUCH of the stress in our lives, to the point where spouse and I are almost okay together.

Is it possible, OP, to find a school that takes that kind of responsibility off your shoulders and places it firmly on the child (assuming you will set parameters at home for screen time and offer positive reinforcement when it goes well)?

[Anonymous]

Yikes!!

While this obviously is far from pretty OP, what you did was basically not that far out there. It is quite understandable for you to have all that anger and resentment inside of you, esp. since your ex never acknowledged her role in the demise of your marriage. To carry around that bitterness however is not going to do you or anyone else any good. Easier said than done, I know, I know. But at this point, it seems you have no choice but to co-exist for your daughter's sake. You both share a child together so by default, you are both going to be in each other's lives for a very very long time so whatever anger you are carrying around, you need to find a way to dissolve it sooner rather than later. Whether it is counseling, mediation, books, etc. please make it a priority NOW. Do it for your daughter.

Hope this helps.

Divorce is never easy, esp. when two people need to co-parent together.

But you and your ex have no choice but to make the best of it for your daughter's sake.

Good luck to everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jesus, you think your 14yo is equipped to prepare for the "natural consequences" of slacking off in school? So when she fails to get into college at 18 are you just going to shrug and tell her she should have been working harder for the past 4 years? She is still a child and you need to be incentivizing/prioritizing her academic performance. The only part of this you are correct about is the not hovering during homework, but forget what your parents did or didn't do with you - you were a different child than your daughter is, growing up in a different time - and focus on what YOUR child needs. Which is to develop healthy study habits and a respect for the importance of her academic performance. Someone should be checking her homework every night before bed and she should lose a privilege if it isn't completed to satisfaction. Bigger consequences for failing tests or quarters. Who else is going to teach her before it is too late if it isn't you (and your STBX)??

Exactly.
My H's mom let him deal with those natural consequences... She was trying to revamp her love life while he struggled in college in another city, finally dropped out (conflict with one of the professors), got a job because he desperately wanted to have his basic needs met, and dd not receive his degree until much later in life (at a much less reputed college and spending a ton of money- he was on scholarship the first time). Until then he worked some low Paying jobs (which seemed like luxury to him at the time, compared to semi starvation in college).
Is this what you want for your dd?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DW and I have been separated now going on three years. I moved out after I discovered that she had an affair, which she refuses to acknowledge to me. She keeps sayint she wants to get back together, but I tell her until she acknowledges the affair and we get counseling to deal with the issues that led her to it I am not coming back. Note: My DW has a very high conflict personality. She thrives on drama. I do my best not to get sucked into it, as I need to judiciously pick my battles.

In any case, yesterday we were talking about our DD and her academic performance - basically her laziness when it comes to homework. I have already laid out to DD that her homework is her responsibility. If she doesn't do it, then the bad grades that are the consequence are hers to own. I never had my parents police my homework at age 14. I believe my daughter should be able to take care of this on her own. DW's yelling at her, standing over her shoulders, etc. is actually counterproductive and leads DD to push back. It is a teenage thing. So, I told my DW that she needs to take a hands off approach and let DD stand or fall on her own. She blew up at me, telling me I am being stupid b/c we need to impress DD that her homework is important. I told her that I already have, but she is not going to be motivated unless that motivation comes from inside. I then related that my parents never felt the need to "watch over me." She responded, "well, your father never left your mother alone to handle all this s**t." At that point, I lost it and told her that my father "never cheated on my mother!" This is the first time in a long time I brought this up again, and it elicited a strong "F**k You!" and then a rage expletive filled text messages to my BB and e-mail over the next hour or so. I will just hold on to these as evidence as to how unhinged she is. Perhaps they will come in handy when I finally put in those divorce papers.

As a woman, I can't stress enough how well you handled the homework situation and how correct you are. You will make someone else a very good husband. You are 1000% correct.

[Anonymous]

OP, they have something out there now that can help you, and the good news is it is available from your internist.

Ask your doctor about easy-to-apply, Androgel(r). It was developed for men just like you.

[Anonymous]

I haven't recognized previous threads from this poster, but my uncle has been separated from his wife for many years and they've yet to divorce. He puts up with a lot from what I hear. Some people live the punishment of staying in a bad situation, sadly.

Second the grow-a-pair of balls suggestion.

[Anonymous]

Update from OP. So, yesterday DD gets her interim grades. Let's just say that they were less than stellar in three classes. Her mother goes on an expletive filled rant at her telling her she "done with her" and that she is just "wasting her own time caring." When I am talking with DD about the classes that had low grades and what she needs to do, her mother interrupts the conversation several times, including answering questions that I put directly to DD.

There was an article in today's post about parents who yell. I would share it with the wife, except that she would throw a tantrum. Hers is not run of the mill raised tone of voice, but full on verbal abuse. I really wish I had a recording of it some time.

The poor child is terrified of her mother's tirades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DW and I have been separated now going on three years. I moved out after I discovered that she had an affair, which she refuses to acknowledge to me. She keeps sayint she wants to get back together, but I tell her until she acknowledges the affair and we get counseling to deal with the issues that led her to it I am not coming back. Note: My DW has a very high conflict personality. She thrives on drama. I do my best not to get sucked into it, as I need to judiciously pick my battles.

In any case, yesterday we were talking about our DD and her academic performance - basically her laziness when it comes to homework. I have already laid out to DD that her homework is her responsibility. If she doesn't do it, then the bad grades that are the consequence are hers to own. I never had my parents police my homework at age 14. I believe my daughter should be able to take care of this on her own. DW's yelling at her, standing over her shoulders, etc. is actually counterproductive and leads DD to push back. It is a teenage thing. So, I told my DW that she needs to take a hands off approach and let DD stand or fall on her own. She blew up at me, telling me I am being stupid b/c we need to impress DD that her homework is important. I told her that I already have, but she is not going to be motivated unless that motivation comes from inside. I then related that my parents never felt the need to "watch over me." She responded, "well, your father never left your mother alone to handle all this s**t." At that point, I lost it and told her that my father "never cheated on my mother!" This is the first time in a long time I brought this up again, and it elicited a strong "F**k You!" and then a rage expletive filled text messages to my BB and e-mail over the next hour or so. I will just hold on to these as evidence as to how unhinged she is. Perhaps they will come in handy when I finally put in those divorce papers.

As a woman, I can't stress enough how well you handled the homework situation and how correct you are. You will make someone else a very good husband. You are 1000% correct.

I agree. Woman here too.

[Anonymous]

What about boarding school to get DD out of that toxic household sitch?