I feel like things are not the same into relationship with parents

[Anonymous]

Me, husband and toddler had to stay at my parents house for about 4 weeks. We sold our house and hadnt found a new place to live. Theu offered for is to stay there. During one week if this time period my husband and toddler were at his parents house. So really we weren't even there that long. However they made it evidently clear that we were an inconvenience. My Dad blew up at my husband several times for ridiculous reasons. They also blew up at us because they thought we were being "too picky" about finding a place to live. We had only been there 3 weeks- not 3 months. Both my mom and dad were acting so different than I ever remember. They said some really hurtful things to me and my husband. I've always had a pretty good relationship with them - but after this it just doesn't feel the same. I am feeling really upset and sad about it. My husband made it clear that he really does not want to see them again for a long time. I really can't blame him. My dad was a compete ass and totally disrespectful to him.
I am conflicted on how to move forward. Maybe it's just that they are getting older and have no patience anymore. Or maybe they just really don't like my husband and aren't shy about showing it. That part is depressing because I am caught in the middle. Both sides want me to "side" with them. I found out that my mom thought I should have "defended" my dad after he blew up at my husband over something that was actually not his fault. My dad was completely in the wrong- yet she still thought I should side with him? How can I not side with my husband! Especially when he was not in the wrong?

I haven't seen them again and probably won't until maybe Christmas. I don't know- just wondered if anyone else has experienced something like this. I am starting to realize that things will probably never be the same- and as l

[Anonymous]

I think you should say to your Mom "As much as I love you and Daddy, I can't take your side over my own husband's. You understand that, don't you? This visit was very very painful for me and I really wish we had all been able to get along because the fights seemed very stupid."

I would not rush to visit them. Leave things alone.

[Anonymous]

How old are they? If this is a change, it may indicate that there is something medical happening. Do they see a doctor regularly?

[Anonymous]

I would take a good, hard--objective--look at your and your husbands's behavior. I have had family (nephew and his wife) sty with us or an extended period. It was a f'ing nightmare. They had no respect for our household, did not make an effort to cleanup after themselves, were rude and self-centered, etc. They acted like children. When living in someone else's home as an adult, you don't get to revert to childhood behaviors or patterns. Neither do you get to behave exactly as you would in your own home. What was your role in all of this?

[Anonymous]

I have seen this happen so often in my family and my DH's family. The exact same scenario. I think you should not read too much into this. Yes, they are getting old and stuck in their ways. As much as they wanted to be able to help you out, they weren't able to do it because they have their own little routines and other people (anyone) gets in the way. I've experienced it myself. The best thing is just to ignore that it happened and go on as usual. But make a mental note that you will never stay with them again - especially for any length of time.

Really, try not to worry or take it personally. They will be feeling bad about it.

I guess we all get grumpy with age ... !!!

[Anonymous]

@ 07:35
We did everything possible to make as small as a footprint as we could while we were there. We cleaned all the time, bought our own food, did our own laundry on the days we were not at work, we tried to get our toddler out of the house as much as possible. My husband is not a lazy slob whatsoever and even offered to help clean the house, do the rest of the families laundry on a regular basis.

@7:50 - I think you are right about this. My Mom seems like she has gotten OCD about everything (things like- I have to do laundry at 8:00 AM every Tuesday or the whole world will end), stuff like that. I think some of it is old age, and I think my Dad especially has something going on. My Mom said she thinks she might have the beginnings of Parkinsons. So maybe that explains some of it.

But yes, I'll try to not take it personally and avoid at all costs staying there again.

[Anonymous]

OP again -Sorry meant to say that my mom thinks my Dad might have the beginning of Parkinson's.

[Anonymous]

I was in your shoes, OP, last year. Spent too much time at my parents' when we were unemployed long-term and looking to get back on our feet.

The combination of anxiety on your behalf, anxiety because they cannot handle guests and changes in routine, plus dislike for your husband, all makes for an explosive scene.

My mother said some unforgivable things to DH and myself. I am not inviting her to our house (we managed to keep our house!) anytime soon, and definitely not this year.

At some point, you have to realize that growing old means not being able to rise to the occasion.

[Anonymous]

PP here: and I realize how "ungrateful" it seems to react this way when my parents hosted us for weeks.
Not after the things they said. Sorry. Inviting people over to verbally abuse them is not conducive to gratitude.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me and I ended up moving with my 2 kids into a short term furnished rental because it was so tense at my parents' house. This was better for all of us, but it embarrassed them that we weren't staying with them during my medical home leave to have a baby. People wondered why I wasn't staying with my parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:@ 07:35
We did everything possible to make as small as a footprint as we could while we were there. We cleaned all the time, bought our own food, did our own laundry on the days we were not at work, we tried to get our toddler out of the house as much as possible. My husband is not a lazy slob whatsoever and even offered to help clean the house, do the rest of the families laundry on a regular basis.

@7:50 - I think you are right about this. My Mom seems like she has gotten OCD about everything (things like- I have to do laundry at 8:00 AM every Tuesday or the whole world will end), stuff like that. I think some of it is old age, and I think my Dad especially has something going on. My Mom said she thinks she might have the beginnings of Parkinsons. So maybe that explains some of it.

But yes, I'll try to not take it personally and avoid at all costs staying there again.

While you're avoiding staying with them, please don't avoid seeing them entirely. Based on what you say in the post quoted here they may need your compassion and your help, not anger and avoidance. The fact your mom is so locked into routine; the fact that they acted as they did despite your family's working so hard to stay out of the way etc.; the fact that your mom even mentioned Parkinson's re: your dad -- this all sounds like red flags to me. Nothing grave yet, but things to watch. Increased irritability and anger (especially if your dad was not like that all his life), extreme pickiness, extreme adherence to certain things being done certain ways or the world is upside down, are all things that happen as many folks age, but if you really feel your dad's personality is changing, or your mom is truly becoming "OCD" as you say -- those things can be early signs of Alzheimer's and other dementias....Not saying that's where this is going, but please, try to let their anger and your own upset go, and see them without staying there. Keep an eye on them.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP who said don't cut them out completely. When my dad was first diagnosed with Parkinson's, he had an initial change in personality. Some days he'd be in tears, some days he'd be angry, and some days he'd be his usual self. Don't even get me started on what it was like (and still can be) when he gets started on meds/is adjusting dosages.

My mom's reaction to this as well as the fear of the future caused her to be meaner than usual towards me. No idea why she took it out on me, but she did.

As things started to settle down and they began to accept the diagnosis as well as do things about it, things returned to normal. Oh, and a symptom of PD can be a loss of impulse control.

GL OP. PD is a scary diagnosis for not just the person, but also for their family and friends.

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe it's time to stop focusing on who was right and who was wrong, and let it go. Your parents tried to help you out, and it turned out to be really difficult on both sides for you all to live together. That happens a lot. It sounds like your parents may be dealing with difficult issues, and you and your husband could cut them some slack and have compassion.

It was less than a month out of all of your lives. Let it go and rebuild your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Some people, especially as they age, are really particular about how things are done and their living space. I would not take it as a sign that they do not like your family or husband. I would take it as their peculiarities as they age make it impossible for you to stay with them, and don't do it again.

[Anonymous]

Offering to clean someone else's house is always a bit tricky. How would you feel if MIL offered to clean yours? Your husband was a guest in your parent's house, and he needed to respect their household routines.