Fostering relationships with in laws that don't make an effort
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Anonymous
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When stbx and I were married our closest relatives were his family - parents and, remotely, brother.
They made NO effort to be a part of our lives. We had to always visit them. Stbx assaulted me and was found guilty. We have limited contact as a result. He of course tells anyone with a pulse that I set him up, etc. How could I help our child have a relationship with his family when they haven't been supportive in the first place and also likely think I'm whatever he's said about me? |
Anonymous
| Maybe you can't. But it's been interesting and motivating to me to hear from my kids about how much they love their grandmother and how sad they are that they don't see her much anymore. When you make it about your kids, you can find the strength and the way to facilitate a relationship. Not that it's easy. I can always find something I'd rather do than drive a few hours to spend a weekend with my in laws who were at best cool towards me. |
Anonymous
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I know I could email and reach out, but I'm not even sure how to approach them or what to offer.
Dear ILs, I believe that having strong family ties is important for (child) and I want to continue to foster (child's) relationship with you. Whether this means being flexible on visitation schedules, taking (child) to visit with you, or finding some way to connect I am open to ideas. I hope you too are looking for ways to connect to (child). Yours, STBexDIL |
Anonymous
| Why are you trying to force a relationship with the parents of a man who abused you? Don't you realize that most abusers were abused by their parents? If they don't want a relationship with you or your kids, I see that as a good thing. Let it go. |
Anonymous
| I would let them make the first move. |
Anonymous
| If you weren't close to them when you were married I'm not sure why you'd want to get close to them now? You have nothing to prove to these people. Move on. If they want a relationship with your child, or of stbx wants them to have a relationship w his parents, I'm assuming they know where to find you. Send holiday, birthday cards, kids artwork to keep the door open (if you feel you must). |
Anonymous
| I think an email saying you are open to maintaining the relationship is a good first step. I do not think you should feel obligated to do all the running around to make it happen though. You need to be accommodating-you don't need to let them run you ragged. In the abscence of their effort, then I'd do things like send them school pictures, and depending on your child's age, have him send them birthday cards, holiday cards, etc. |
Anonymous
This. Why do you want to pursue this? If they want to have some relationship with your child, let them make the first move. And even then, be very cautious. If they did not care about your marriage, why would they care about your child? If they appear to care about your child suddenly, I'd wonder, what do they really want here? And if they do approach you for some kind of contact, I would be very leery of them because they are likely to, as you yourself note, believe what your ex says about you -- and they could poison your kid's mind with that garbage. OP, please sit down and really ask yourself, or better yet, maybe work short-term with a counselor to work through, why it means so much to you for your child to have a relationship with people with whom YOU have zero relationship and who are very possibly going to repeat negative things about you. Did you, yourself, grow up with close relatives/grandparents so you think of that as "normal" and want it for your child? Did you grow up with the opposite situation -- no close relatives/grandparents/uncles/aunts and you feel you missed out on something so you want it for your child? Neither of those is really a good reason to pursue a relationship based solely on the fact they are blood relations relatives of the abuser who fathered your child. Find out why you care about this. Then build your own family of friends, people from whatever groups you belong to, etc. People who actually care. Again, if this family starts getting in touch with you -- I would be very cautious about ever letting them see him alone. Or at all. Does your ex have some form of custody with you? Or not? It sounds as if he doesn't, or these people would see your child when your child sees dad. |
Anonymous
+100 |
Anonymous
| + |
Anonymous
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If they don't make any effort, why should you? Even though you feel obligated for your child to know his grandparents but, they don't want to, so accept it and share your child with those who want to. This might actually be more healthier for you and your child.
Plus, custody battle these days can be very hard and dangerous. |
Anonymous
Exactly! |
Anonymous
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I never expected a unanimous response from DCUM.
Guess I let his you-are-a-bad-partner reasoning for his family's lack of interest. Thank you for validating that I don't have an obligation to make nice. My last interaction with them was incredibly painful but I didn't include it in my post. Sincerely, thank you all for your advice. |
Anonymous
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OP, I think you have made a solid choice. You might talk with your lawyer about it, just to be sure that you're doing the right things to be sure, should they somehow have interest someday, that you can keep them away if their behavior remains the same.
But the energy you were going to spend trying to have a relationship with these people? Use it for you, for healing, for therapy...whatever it takes for you to work through what's happened to you and your children. Best to you, OP. |