"Deprogramming" one's self - is it possible?

[Anonymous]

My husband sometimes flies into a rage over the littlest things. McDonald's messed up his order, Cosi didn't have the drink he wanted, the house cleaner put something away in the wrong drawer, he doesn't like the new pasta sauce I tried, the kids do something and he threatens super severe consequences - stuff like that. Usually what happens is I have to go back to McDonalds to get the order fixed, or I have to go to the Cosi counter and demand a refund because they were out of drink X, and so on. It's gotten to the point that when I order something for him now, I say, "Please don't mess it up or my husband will have a fit."

I sent a piece of furniture out to be recovered, and it came back yesterday while we were at work. I walked by and noticed it didn't look right, so I asked him to turn on the light so I could see it better. He turned on the light, saw it, and flew into another rage. So, I called and left a voice mail for the person who arranged the work, I reached out to some friends to find someone else who could fix it, and then we watched some TV together with the kids. He brought it up a few times, but I said that I had already taken steps to fix it and let's just decompress and watch the show.

After the kids were in bed, and I was getting ready for bed, he started to fly into another rage about it. I lost it. Here it all came pouring out, about the McDonald's orders and the drink and the time he embarrassed me in front of his brother by throwing his bowl across the table and saying he couldn't eat the dinner because of the pasta sauce, and the things said to the kids and everything else. He said he just wanted to be heard and that what happened to the furniture was a big deal. I said he didn't have to rage at me about it. He said he wasn't raging at me, that he was venting and that he had the right to vent. I told him I didn't like his rages and that even though he had never hit me it always made me feel afraid and that I wouldn't stand for it anymore. I also told him I was unhappy with some other things that had been going on where I felt he wasn't supporting me and that I had to turn to friends for emotional support. I accused him of caring only about his things he likes to do and that he never had any time left over for me. I also told him his constant commenting on my need to get in shape was making me feel he should just go out and trade me in for a younger model, and that most people would think being 50, having two kids, and weighing near the low end of normal for my height would be pretty good for most people. It was a bad fight.

I know I violated some of the fair fighting rules by bringing up old stuff, and also by bringing up so many issues at once, and also I know he has a right to be upset about the furniture and that I should exercise more. But I just couldn't help it. I got that same old feeling I get in my stomach when he starts raging about something and I just snapped. I worry that I may have done some permanent damage to our marriage with some of the things I said. Only time will tell. I just wanted to know is there some way to stop reacting to stuff because it seems like a pattern and focus on just what is actually happening at that moment?

[Anonymous]

OP, this really sounds like a problem. Your husband has some serious anger issues. If he cannot get this under control on his own or with counseling I'm not sure I could stay in such a marriage.

[Anonymous]

A skilled therapist will help you develop techniques for gaining perspective and distance from the situation. Takes a lot of work, but you can do it. Sorry things aren't going well right now; hope they improve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this really sounds like a problem. Your husband has some serious anger issues. If he cannot get this under control on his own or with counseling I'm not sure I could stay in such a marriage.

I meant to add that you might benefit from counseling as well to better understand what's going on with him and to "fight fair." At the end of the day, however, his anger would frighten and depress me and I'd worry about my kids being raised in this environment. Please don't go on like this. Think about what I'm saying here. You may have a role in this but you are not primarily to blame, at least not based on what you've told us. Get help.

[Anonymous]

You both need individual counseling - now.

Your husband has to learn how to manage his anger. He needs to build up his frustration / distress tolerance so that he doesn't rage over minor things that don't go his way. He needs to learn to have realistic expectations of you and others. Does he hold himself to the the same level of perfection he expects of others? Likely not.

You need to learn to not cover/ fix the situation to avoid your husband getting mad. And you need to learn to have a voice and not think you are damaging the marriage when you speak up. You need to learn to expect respect and not put up with disrespect.

You both need help. Now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband sometimes flies into a rage over the littlest things. McDonald's messed up his order, Cosi didn't have the drink he wanted, the house cleaner put something away in the wrong drawer, he doesn't like the new pasta sauce I tried, the kids do something and he threatens super severe consequences - stuff like that. Usually what happens is I have to go back to McDonalds to get the order fixed, or I have to go to the Cosi counter and demand a refund because they were out of drink X, and so on. It's gotten to the point that when I order something for him now, I say, "Please don't mess it up or my husband will have a fit."

I sent a piece of furniture out to be recovered, and it came back yesterday while we were at work. I walked by and noticed it didn't look right, so I asked him to turn on the light so I could see it better. He turned on the light, saw it, and flew into another rage. So, I called and left a voice mail for the person who arranged the work, I reached out to some friends to find someone else who could fix it, and then we watched some TV together with the kids. He brought it up a few times, but I said that I had already taken steps to fix it and let's just decompress and watch the show.

After the kids were in bed, and I was getting ready for bed, he started to fly into another rage about it. I lost it. Here it all came pouring out, about the McDonald's orders and the drink and the time he embarrassed me in front of his brother by throwing his bowl across the table and saying he couldn't eat the dinner because of the pasta sauce, and the things said to the kids and everything else. He said he just wanted to be heard and that what happened to the furniture was a big deal. I said he didn't have to rage at me about it. He said he wasn't raging at me, that he was venting and that he had the right to vent. I told him I didn't like his rages and that even though he had never hit me it always made me feel afraid and that I wouldn't stand for it anymore. I also told him I was unhappy with some other things that had been going on where I felt he wasn't supporting me and that I had to turn to friends for emotional support. I accused him of caring only about his things he likes to do and that he never had any time left over for me. I also told him his constant commenting on my need to get in shape was making me feel he should just go out and trade me in for a younger model, and that most people would think being 50, having two kids, and weighing near the low end of normal for my height would be pretty good for most people. It was a bad fight.

I know I violated some of the fair fighting rules by bringing up old stuff, and also by bringing up so many issues at once, and also I know he has a right to be upset about the furniture and that I should exercise more. But I just couldn't help it. I got that same old feeling I get in my stomach when he starts raging about something and I just snapped. I worry that I may have done some permanent damage to our marriage with some of the things I said. Only time will tell. I just wanted to know is there some way to stop reacting to stuff because it seems like a pattern and focus on just what is actually happening at that moment?

OP, try reading what you wrote from a third party perspective and it is quite evident here that your husband is verbally/emotionally abusing you. Sure, he hasn't physically beaten you down, however he sure has emotionally beaten you down multiple times. Verbal abuse is just as destructive as physical and it is just as unacceptable in a relationship. Abuse is abuse...No Exception!!

It also sounds like you are putting some of the blame on yourself which is so unnecessary. You do not deserve any of what we is saying to you OP! You have not violated any fighting rules!! Those words sound like he planted them in your mind to brainwash you!! Do not fall for it. Do not let your husband play you fiddle!!

Good for you for you for sticking up for yourself finally (!)

The reason you are bringing up past events is because you are not satisfied that they actually got resolved before and you are still holding a grudge toward him. I do not blame you one iota OP. He needs better communication skills.

I strongly advise you both to possibly either check out some books at your local library about relationships and healthy communicating styles or go into counseling sessions together.

Otherwise I think this whole situation has the potential to get more volatile and since you have children together, this would be a disaster.

Best of luck to you OP.

I am rooting for ya.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband sometimes flies into a rage over the littlest things. McDonald's messed up his order, Cosi didn't have the drink he wanted, the house cleaner put something away in the wrong drawer, he doesn't like the new pasta sauce I tried, the kids do something and he threatens super severe consequences - stuff like that. Usually what happens is I have to go back to McDonalds to get the order fixed, or I have to go to the Cosi counter and demand a refund because they were out of drink X, and so on. It's gotten to the point that when I order something for him now, I say, "Please don't mess it up or my husband will have a fit."

I sent a piece of furniture out to be recovered, and it came back yesterday while we were at work. I walked by and noticed it didn't look right, so I asked him to turn on the light so I could see it better. He turned on the light, saw it, and flew into another rage. So, I called and left a voice mail for the person who arranged the work, I reached out to some friends to find someone else who could fix it, and then we watched some TV together with the kids. He brought it up a few times, but I said that I had already taken steps to fix it and let's just decompress and watch the show.

After the kids were in bed, and I was getting ready for bed, he started to fly into another rage about it. I lost it. Here it all came pouring out, about the McDonald's orders and the drink and the time he embarrassed me in front of his brother by throwing his bowl across the table and saying he couldn't eat the dinner because of the pasta sauce, and the things said to the kids and everything else. He said he just wanted to be heard and that what happened to the furniture was a big deal. I said he didn't have to rage at me about it. He said he wasn't raging at me, that he was venting and that he had the right to vent. I told him I didn't like his rages and that even though he had never hit me it always made me feel afraid and that I wouldn't stand for it anymore. I also told him I was unhappy with some other things that had been going on where I felt he wasn't supporting me and that I had to turn to friends for emotional support. I accused him of caring only about his things he likes to do and that he never had any time left over for me. I also told him his constant commenting on my need to get in shape was making me feel he should just go out and trade me in for a younger model, and that most people would think being 50, having two kids, and weighing near the low end of normal for my height would be pretty good for most people. It was a bad fight.

I know I violated some of the fair fighting rules by bringing up old stuff, and also by bringing up so many issues at once, and also I know he has a right to be upset about the furniture and that I should exercise more. But I just couldn't help it. I got that same old feeling I get in my stomach when he starts raging about something and I just snapped. I worry that I may have done some permanent damage to our marriage with some of the things I said. Only time will tell. I just wanted to know is there some way to stop reacting to stuff because it seems like a pattern and focus on just what is actually happening at that moment?

The way he communicates his dissatisfaction is a problem for you, and likely others. It sounds to me like he is abusive, or depressed (extreme irritability is a symptom), or both. Please get counseling. His behavior is not normal.

[Anonymous]

He actually threw the bowl across the table bc he didn't like the sauce? And in front of other people? You didn't say anything about this at the time?

I think you need counseling yourself and together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He actually threw the bowl across the table bc he didn't like the sauce? And in front of other people? You didn't say anything about this at the time?

I think you need counseling yourself and together.

No, I didn't. I think in the beginning I thought if I just ignored these things they would stop happening. So I just turned my attention to his brother and pretended nothing was wrong and tried to be a good hostess. This happened many years ago, which is why he said my bringing old stuff up showed I wasn't committed to the marriage and that I was not fighting "fair".

[Anonymous]

OP, you definitely need individual counseling to figure out why you assigned yourself as 'Fixer' of a grown man's tantrums. That's huge!

[Anonymous]

OP, first of all, you are being abused.

It's up to YOU to "fix it" if his latte isn't to his liking?? And you have "warn" the counter person that your husband is going to explode? Because he can't control himself?

OP, take a step back. You are doing a dance here, a whole polka really, to avoid your husband having to act like a normal person. He's completely out of control. The behavior of total strangers has to be stage-managed to avoid his fits of rage, which ARE TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE.

Small children (yours) are being damaged by this. Is this how you want them to live?

[Anonymous]

your husband claims he just wants to be heard, but the reality is that no one else is being heard. His anger is all consuming and you've twisted yourself around to accommodate it. I don't see how you don't live in fear, walking on eggshells, trying to avoid confrontation. What about your kids?

Enough is enough. Your children should not grow up scared of a parent's sudden rage nor should they think that it is 1) okay to behave like this or 2) okay to tolerate this.

I have a husband who has had some anger issues. It has been a big issue in our marriage. He has tended in the past to fly off the handle and to get irrationally angry. He has never hit or threatened me, but I told him in no uncertain terms that his anger was abusive and that I would not tolerate it or allow our children to be exposed to it. He has sought help. We have a 'cool down' code where I let him know if he's approaching irrational anger (the problem with anger uncontrolled is you lose reason and perspective). At the same time, we both work harder on addressing the frustrations and resentments in our marriage so they don't explode. OUr marriage is far from perfect but DH has not crossed the line into verbal abuse since I made it clear there was zero tolerance for it.

The fact that your husband's anger is so much worse (larger responses to smaller things) is frightening, as is the fact that you've accommodated it for so long. It will be a tough road, but you need to change the situation now.

[Anonymous]

PP, how did you achieve that? Was it a particular kind of therapy, or a book, or something else that got him to agree?

[Anonymous]

:/

[Anonymous]

I am really starting to see how many families this is happening to. Its so weird how alone I have felt in dealing with my husbands anger issues, and once I started posting here Ive been amazed at how often the same things keep coming up. So faron this list it seems to be mostly women in relationships with angry men, but I have personally seen the opposite problem more than a few times. Its really sad. OP I am sorry but I am in the same boat regarding the question and I have NO good answer so far.. It is at the crux, though, of what is needed to solve the problem.