Do not feel like celebrating anniversary

[Anonymous]

Today is my 16th wedding anniversary. I am the DH. Marriage is at a bad point right now, and I am not happy. DW - despite my attempts to talk with her about things - sees no problems. She has intimated she expects something for the anniversary but I am not up to it. I am just depressed thinking abou it. Do I do a dinner, flowers, whatever just to placate DW for now and continue to try to deal with the issues - which include infidelity - afterward?

[Anonymous]

I assume she was unfaithful.

The year my H was unfaithful, I cancelled our anniversary. He was hanging by a thread. Um... if she was unfaithful she should be planning an anniversary celebration.

Why can't you tell her this? You cheated. I will NOT celebrate this year of marriage.

[Anonymous]

She denies the infidelity, despite my reams of copies of her e-mails with said lover and copies of her text messages. She knows I know something, suspects her e-mail and texts were compromised, but has no way to prove it since I have not said that I have the above information. All I did was question her pattern of "going out" and the sheer number of texts to the same telephone number on the cell phone bill. She is indignant that I would question her faithfulness and that I am prying into her "private life."

[Anonymous]

Including pictures....you know sexting kind of thing.

[Anonymous]

Skip the anniversary. Explain calmly that there is nothing to celebrate as she has been unfaithful to you.

Then show her the evidence. Don't get into lengthy discussions of her denial. Get a counselor for yourself.

You are a partner in this marriage. She is not. Do not buy her flowers etc.

Google "180 and infidelity"

That will give you an effective path to follow regarding her infidelity, her denial, your dignity, and your sanity.

So sorry.

[Anonymous]

A wedding anniversary is a celebration of a milestone in your marriage. Does not seem appropriate under your current circumstances, and why would you want to placate your wife for the sake of doing it? I wouldn't, and she should not expect you to do so, especially if she's been unfaithful and is still denying it. I feel for you -- that's a sucky situation...but no, you do not need to be the dutiful husband this year.

[Anonymous]

OP why haven't you shown her the evidence? There seems to be enough there for it to be hard for her to deny it.

[Anonymous]

What state are you in OP. If VA this is grounds for absolute divorce and if you have pics proving the adultery you can nail her to the wall on any property settlement/division of assets.

[Anonymous]

Why haven't you shown her the evidence?? Then she can't deny it anymore.

[Anonymous]

If the infidelity happened over the course of this past yr., then your wife is a true moron if she truly expects a gift this year.

I would at least give her a card and take her out to eat. Maybe some flowers for posterity's sake.

However continue to stress to her how unhappy you are and that if things continue on like they are now, this may be the last anniversary you two will be spending together.

[Anonymous]

Why are you being passive aggressive? What do you hope to prove by having her continue to lie to you when you know the truth?

Absolutely you should not celebrate the anniversary. Tell her that you know she has been unfaithful and that you have proof, and you can either go straight to a divorce lawyer or she can start being honest if she wants to stay married. Otherwise, what on earth is the point? Why hide your proof and drag out her dishonesty? It's just awful limbo for you.

The defensiveness about her "private life" is bullshit. You two are supposed to be partners. And while you both can fairly expect privacy to a certain degree - whatever degree you negotiate is fair - the "you violated my privacy" defense is typical of a cheat and a liar -- it's a dodge to deflect responsibility for their violation of your vows.

Life is really, really, really short. Just get on with it and be honest with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the infidelity happened over the course of this past yr., then your wife is a true moron if she truly expects a gift this year.

I would at least give her a card and take her out to eat. Maybe some flowers for posterity's sake.

However continue to stress to her how unhappy you are and that if things continue on like they are now, this may be the last anniversary you two will be spending together.

Good god don't be silly. If you go out to eat with someone, then you have to talk to them.

In his shoes, sitting across a 24" wide table and being forced to converse would be the last activity I'd pick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the infidelity happened over the course of this past yr., then your wife is a true moron if she truly expects a gift this year.

I would at least give her a card and take her out to eat. Maybe some flowers for posterity's sake.

However continue to stress to her how unhappy you are and that if things continue on like they are now, this may be the last anniversary you two will be spending together.

OP - You will come off as a spineless Beta if you do anything to celebrate the anniversary.

[Anonymous]

Show you have proof of the adultery. Ignore her attempts to deflect the issue or somehow blame you.

In VA, you can get absolute divorce but you cannot sleep with her after you confront her because then that is condoning the adultery and evidence you guys kissed and made up. Consult a lawyer for the finer points.

Don't leave yourself in this state of frozen agony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the infidelity happened over the course of this past yr., then your wife is a true moron if she truly expects a gift this year.

I would at least give her a card and take her out to eat. Maybe some flowers for posterity's sake.

However continue to stress to her how unhappy you are and that if things continue on like they are now, this may be the last anniversary you two will be spending together.

OP - You will come off as a spineless Beta if you do anything to celebrate the anniversary.

I don't think you come off as anything other than someone who is willing to tolerate emotional abuse and infidelity. Please, if you don't feel like celebrating - and I don't blame you - don't celebrate.