Deal with constant rejection or change course?

[Anonymous]

So my DH and I have different perspectives on how to continue to handling the following:
We are a multicultural couple. Several of his siblings refused to attend our wedding, baby shower, naming ceremony, acknowledge our anniversary, and other similar events because of our mixed faith union in the past.
I feel that after 10 years of asking and inviting we are no longer obligated to keep doing so. It just keeps opening old wounds anew when we're rejected. He feels that we should extend invitations because one day these people might come around.
How would you handle this?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't invite invite people who have hurt me for 10 years. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I admire your husband for his willingness to keep extending a welcoming hand to his ungracious relatives. My best advice - work on changing your perspective on these siblings. They're not worth your emotional energy. They really aren't. As long as the siblings are not actively behaving in antisocial ways and are simply rejecting your invitations, keep extending invitations, expect rejections, and understand that the rejections have nothing to do with your worth as human beings. They only communicate sad facts about your husband's siblings, nothing more, nothing less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I admire your husband for his willingness to keep extending a welcoming hand to his ungracious relatives. My best advice - work on changing your perspective on these siblings. They're not worth your emotional energy. They really aren't. As long as the siblings are not actively behaving in antisocial ways and are simply rejecting your invitations, keep extending invitations, expect rejections, and understand that the rejections have nothing to do with your worth as human beings. They only communicate sad facts about your husband's siblings, nothing more, nothing less.

Why reward bad behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I admire your husband for his willingness to keep extending a welcoming hand to his ungracious relatives. My best advice - work on changing your perspective on these siblings. They're not worth your emotional energy. They really aren't. As long as the siblings are not actively behaving in antisocial ways and are simply rejecting your invitations, keep extending invitations, expect rejections, and understand that the rejections have nothing to do with your worth as human beings. They only communicate sad facts about your husband's siblings, nothing more, nothing less.

Why reward bad behavior?

Mature behavior =/= rewarding bad behavior.

[Anonymous]

I would invite them to big events that you send out invites to, like wedding or bat mitzhah. I wouldn't invite them over for a casual dinner party or BBQ.

I think it is best to be the better person here and send out perfunctory invites. That way THEY are the ones excluding and behaving poorly and they can't put it on you.

What jerks. Sounds like you are better off not having them around.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for the good advice. A follow up:
Maybe I'm just not as gracious as DH, but as the person who usually sends out invites for things, I'm just not feeling up to sending them to those relatives.
Is it wrong for me to ask DH to undertake continuing sending invites to those relatives? That way, I don't feel as if I'm compromising myself and he can continue to offer the olive branch.

[Anonymous]

I think it's a fair thing to ask - no reason that you should have to do it all the time.

I do think though that while I would be seriously annoyed by family that did that too, I would also try to honor DH in choosing to try to reach out to them for these things if he wanted to. They sound like they probably won't change, but if you were able to change your perspective to more of something that you're doing for him while still privately knowing that they'll decline then it might take stress out of it for both of you.

I can only imagine (unless you and he are having a huge family together) that the occasions for life event invitations are fairly finite. Know that they are who they are and don't let them rain on your special days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a fair thing to ask - no reason that you should have to do it all the time.

I do think though that while I would be seriously annoyed by family that did that too, I would also try to honor DH in choosing to try to reach out to them for these things if he wanted to. They sound like they probably won't change, but if you were able to change your perspective to more of something that you're doing for him while still privately knowing that they'll decline then it might take stress out of it for both of you.

I can only imagine (unless you and he are having a huge family together) that the occasions for life event invitations are fairly finite. Know that they are who they are and don't let them rain on your special days.

OP again. That sounds very reasonable. I'll let him send the invites to them and support his personal need to do so. And I'll ask him to support the fact that I just can't/won't anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the good advice. A follow up:
Maybe I'm just not as gracious as DH, but as the person who usually sends out invites for things, I'm just not feeling up to sending them to those relatives.
Is it wrong for me to ask DH to undertake continuing sending invites to those relatives? That way, I don't feel as if I'm compromising myself and he can continue to offer the olive branch.

I don't think it's wrong of you and completely understandable.

I can understand why your DH doesn't want to shut the door completely on his family. I would ask him to contact the siblings by a letter or over the phone and just tell them that your family will always be happy to receive them as family. No guilt/no questions. Leave the ball in their court. You've both done your due diligence.

[Anonymous]

While it is true that they may come around, I doubt it would be in the context of a wedding, baby naming, etc. invitation. Leave the door open for them to come to you. Always be friendly and gracious. But in my experience the invitations, etc. may actually make them more angry and upset -- as if you are "rubbing their face" in what they don't like, saying nanny-nanny boo boo. I'm saying they may interpret it as provocative when you mean something quite different. In the absence of communication, people put whatever spin they want on things and they usually put a negative spin if there is a negative vibe in the air.

[Anonymous]

OP, I definitely would want to , and feel entirely comfortable doing so, stop inviting them.

I like the idea of letting your husband continue to send them as he wishes.

Another idea is to send them all a letter saying that after 10 years of extending invitations to everything you've gotten the message. While you will no longer be issueing invitations they have a standing invitation to attend any family gathering or significant event you're convening, if they ever wish to resume contact. You would value their presence in your lives if they wanted to be included and will always be open to that. In the meantime, all the best.

That takes the burden off you but leaves the door open. But your husband might want to be more proactive - which is fine if he handles it.