Annoyed at mother's unfulfilled promise
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Anonymous
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I feel petty even being upset by this but am frustrated.
My grandfather passed away within the last few years and left his estate mostly to his children. My mom will get an annual payment from it- I am not really sure how it works, and have no idea how much it is. She told me earlier this summer that she was setting aside the same amount of money she was going to use to pay for one of my brother's college classes this summer and would give it to me after I went away with the family for a weekend (I felt awkward that she put that condition on it, I was going to go with them anyway). So that weekend came and went and I never heard about the money again (over a month ago). I am also in (grad.) school and the money would be really helpful. I don't know why she would make that statement and then never reference it again. I've never asked for or expected any inheritance money (and I am fully financially independent and have been since college graduation). I got excited and hopeful about that money and now it seems it will never come. I don't know why she would say that if she wasn't going to follow through. And no there hasn't been a fight or anything. Would you ask her about it? |
Anonymous
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Never hurts to ask "whatever happened when you paid for XYZ tuition and were going to match me! Recall when you said that?" Ifyoucant ask your mom about something she said, who can you ask?
But, at the end if the day it's her money. And money with strings attached sux, so be wary of that too. |
Anonymous
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I am in a similar situation. My grandmother died last year and we were all pretty surprised that her will left everything to the children. Nothing for any of the grandchildren. While I understand that it was her decision to do whatever she wanted with her worldly possessions, I was not the only one who was surprised. My father and aunt were actually the most surprised, and discussed at pretty great length right after her death how to address what they felt was an imbalance. It was decided at that point that one group of assets (the easy stuff) would go to the children (aka my dad and his sister) and when the other assets had been sold, the money from those sales would be divided equally between the grandchildren.
They are almost done selling the various assets and no one has mentioned this idea again. I certainly don't feel entitled to it, nor did I make any plans with this money in mind (since I honestly have no idea how much money we're talking about), but I'm a single mom of a school age child and that money would be really helpful for any number of things. I have no idea how to talk to my father or my aunt about this, though. My family has weird communication issues and I kind of would rather just be disappointed and sad about it and not deal with the awkward and probably stressful experience of basically asking my dad for money, at age 32. |
Anonymous
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Money can tear families apart. My family has been in a 30 year feud over my grandfather's will ever since he died.
Anyway... ask your mother point blank. Then you'll know where you stand. At best she meant to surprise you with it on some occasion (birthday? Christmas?), at worst she has already spent it. Maybe she plain forgot. At least you will know, which will be helpful going forward, as you'll have a better indication of her character and whether you can trust what she says. (At age 32, I found I could not trust my mother to help me out in financial distress, so you can learn something knew about your closest and dearest every day!). |
Anonymous
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It is totally normal for grandparents to leave everything to the children and not include the grandchildren. The children can then decide how to divide assets among each of their kids (the grandkids) when they die.
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Anonymous
I'm the PP with this situation (not the OP). I know that it's totally normal. It was just a surprise in our family, if for no other reason than that my grandmother specifically said, several years ago when another grandparent did this, that she would not do that when it was her time. I guess she changed her mind somewhere along the road, but we were all (not just the grandkids) surprised when it ended up that way. Personally, I suspect that my dad and aunt have just forgotten and/or are overwhelmed with selling houses and cars and stuff. I will talk to them about it when it seems appropriate to do so, or when I have a specific reason to do so. |
Anonymous
If your share is a substantial amount, it might not make sense for them to give it to you, tax wise. Your dad can only gift to you a certain amount, around 15,000, a year, without having to pay gift tax. Estates take a looooong time to settle, it might just not be resolved yet. You could ask, "dad, I'm trying to pan things financially, do you have any idea when and if I will get the money?" |
Anonymous
+1. Completely normal. |
Anonymous
| Just ask your mom in a non-accusatory way. Maybe she just forgot. The worst that can happen is that she says she changed her mind. |
Anonymous
| Leaving across generations seems odd to me. If I have two kids and one of them has one child and the other has several, it seems unfair for me to give to the g'children as it means that side if the family ends up with more. Better to divide amount my kids and let them do what they want for their kids. |
Anonymous
| I'd mention it, but I do agree with PP that money with strings attached is almost never worth it. My mother does this regularly to me and never follows through. I think she wants me to tell her how generous the offer is, or something along those lines, but she never actually follows through. But hopefully your mom just forgot and doesn't just want the "I'm such a great mom" brownie points. |
Anonymous
| Ask if you can still expect the money she mentioned earlier in the summer or not. You are making your budget for the new few months and want to know what you are working with. |
Anonymous
I agree. I had one kid due to finances; it would annoy the heck outta me if my brother who had four got more than mew ause he chose to have more |
Anonymous
The point is that your brother wouldn't have more, each of the grandchildren would have the same amount. I can understand your frustration, pp--it's true that the two sides of the family would get different amounts. But grandparents might want to make the point that they love their children both equally, and they love their grandchildren all equally. |
Anonymous
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To me it makes more sense to leave an equal amount to each grandchild - they're not just fractions of their parents!
Imagine if each amount went to fund their college expenses, for example. |