Annoyed at mother's unfulfilled promise

[Anonymous]

OP here again. I did nothing for awhile, but I am still angry and resentful. I haven't seen my mother in over a month, and she lives close. I was talking to my dad today an explained how I was feeling and asked if he had any advice.

He said his advice would be to speak about it honestly, and that he would think more and call me back.

When he did, he said he brought up the situation in general (she doesn't understand how upset its made me) and she reiterated the things she wanted me to sort / organize, and that was the only condition of the money.

So I am still upset. And I have no idea if she realizes I asked him about it, so might have a sense that I am frustrated. I just have no desire to talk to her or see her. I feel manipulated and controlled. We fought a lot growing up and I think this is bringing back memories of that.

Ugh. I don't know what to do.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I forgot something.

After my initial post I did ask her about it (through a text- I know not the best, but we text fairly often). She said yes I should still expect the money after I sort through some boxes/books at their house. This was not what she said to me this summer, when she mentioned going away to the house together, which is why I got so frustrated.

[Anonymous]

OP you need to grow up. You sound self centered.

[Anonymous]

I'm afraid neither of you have great communication skills with each other (although I'm sure you do with other people) and that this is worsened by past expectations and disappointments.

What would she say if you looked her in the eye and said:

"Mom, when you first promised me this money, at first you said I would need to do X to get it. I did it.
Now you are asking Y and Z. I'm afraid that you will keep asking me to do a lot of things in the future and that you will never fulfill your promise. I don't want to resent you long term or fight with you over this. I'm just disappointed right now.
I would like to discuss a firm date of transfer and what you expect before that."

Then draw it up in writing.

And in the future, OP, if you don't advocate rationally for yourself, don't expect people to look out for your interests, even your closest and dearest.

[Anonymous]

Thanks 19:48. My mother and I definitely don't communicate well.

I guess I never considered advocating for myself because its nothing that is mine or that I am entitled to. When she said she would gift it, I was appreciative. She's also doing some generous (and expensive) things for my brother coming up, which I am not getting.

I just feel like if it is family money that is supposed to be a gift, it shouldn't have strings attached. So to the poster who said I need to grow up, alright. I'm doing pretty well at that for 25. I feel manipulated and very resentful. Sorry if that is childish.

I like the PP advice but I don't even want to see my Mom. And I don't like feeling that way.

[Anonymous]

19:48 again.

But consider OP that if you are starting to resent your mother, then it is a sure sign that you need to have an open discussion with her, EVEN if you don't want to.

This has nothing to do with the fact that it wasn't your money to begin with. Now your mother has unwisely dangled that carrot in front of you (a bit cruel and controlling: she should have outright gifted it to you no strings attached OR bequeathed it to you after her death), it is perfectly natural that the situation should bother you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To me it makes more sense to leave an equal amount to each grandchild - they're not just fractions of their parents!
Imagine if each amount went to fund their college expenses, for example.

What about the grandchildren not yet born?

No, best to just divide it equally between their children and let them do what they want for the grandchildren, present or future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks 19:48. My mother and I definitely don't communicate well.

I guess I never considered advocating for myself because its nothing that is mine or that I am entitled to. When she said she would gift it, I was appreciative. She's also doing some generous (and expensive) things for my brother coming up, which I am not getting.

I just feel like if it is family money that is supposed to be a gift, it shouldn't have strings attached. So to the poster who said I need to grow up, alright. I'm doing pretty well at that for 25. I feel manipulated and very resentful. Sorry if that is childish.

I like the PP advice but I don't even want to see my Mom. And I don't like feeling that way.

It wasn't your money to begin with.

Don't let money get in the way of relationships.

[Anonymous]

Why does she want you to sort through boxes? Is this your stuff that is still at their house that she wants gone?

It seems like she feels like she asking you (come for the weekend, come get the boxes) means no action from you so she is using a carrot to try and get you to do what she wants you to do.

It could be that she has conditions for your brother as well or it could be that when she asks him to come for the weekend or come get the boxes she gets an answer and he follows through.

Is your mom generally frustrated with you not responding to her or not following through or not being responsible or not x,y,z.

It sounds like both of you both try and kind of manipulate situations to get what you want without giving. Maybe you are too alike and that is why you fight so much.

[Anonymous]

Definitely a lot of truth there 20:50. I don't know. I'm too tired to think about it any more.

[Anonymous]

just don't count on any money that you did not earn yourself!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To me it makes more sense to leave an equal amount to each grandchild - they're not just fractions of their parents!
Imagine if each amount went to fund their college expenses, for example.

What about the grandchildren not yet born?

No, best to just divide it equally between their children and let them do what they want for the grandchildren, present or future.

Exactly. That is why the concept of per stirpes exists.

http://wills.about.com/od/termsbeginningwithp/g/perstirpes.htm

[Anonymous]

Why wouldn't a parent leave everything to their children and not to their grandchildren? Some of you are entitled beyond belief. It is their money and their choice to whom to give their money, etc.