Applying to private mainstream schools, when to share dx

[Anonymous]

We are preparing to tour mainstream private schools (kindergarden) around the area for dc who is HFA. We think he will be ready for mainstream kindergarden next year, but maybe not ready for the large public school class sizes (though we have definitely not ruled it out.) As I am looking through all this information and setting up tours and interviews, I am wondering at what point I should mention DC's diagnosis. I certainly do not want to hide it, because i think anything that would be a right fit would accept him for who he is and while I don't think/hope he does not need major accommodations, there will certainly be little things that will make things smoother.
Also, I would love to get any feedback on questions that I should think about while on these tours. I feel like the first tours are going to be such a new experience that later I am going to regret not thinking about certain things or asking certain questions.
Thanks!!

[Anonymous]

I am guessing, from reading other threads, that you will get a mixed bag of "tell" and "hide" answers.

We too thought that DS was totally ready for a "regular" kindergarten experience and had hoped to avoid the large classes in our local K.

Our experience was the following:

We were honest with each of the schools we applied to. DS got accepted to one school (not a Big 3, but a competitive traditional school mentioned on the private school threads) and rejected from 2 others. We offered that the admissions staff could send someone to his pre-school for an observation, but they declined.

Long story short, the first week+ of K was apparently terrible. Really terrible. (We were caught off guard and didn't have any sense from DS that this was the case). We left the school shortly there after. While very hurtful at the time, looking back it was the right decision on their part and we all made the best of it and moved on.

The large public class size, as we had thought, was not a good fit either. We pursued an IEP...that's another story...and now things are much improved.

The right fit is important. Also, I would be concerned, based on our experience, that if DC were to leave for reasons that were not disclosed, you could be on the hook for a large tuition payment/not a full refund. We were refunded everything, including the deposit.

Ours is just one experience.

Wish you well in the process OP.

[Anonymous]

I would not necessarily tell the diagnosis -- "autism" is a scary word, and since kids are so different, doesn't really tell the administrators about your kids specific strengths and weaknesses. But I would be very open with your kids strengths (of course!) and what things he might need help with.

Our experience was in pre-k, when public school starts for us. We knew DC couldn't handle the large class sizes of public school, so we sent her to a private school with a reputation for being small and nurturing. We were not explicit about her challenges -- we didn't fully recognize them ourselves then, and we wanted to get in, since we were sure it would be the right fit. Long story short, it was not at all the right fit, and we left after that year.

You might also want to post here what schools you are considering because others might have experience with how it handles certain issues.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the replies!
So far, we are looking at schools that I have heard at least one success story either through our Dev. Ped, ABA consultant, or friends. Currently on our list:
St. Patricks
Burgundy Farms
Alexandria Country Day
Congressional School of VA
McLean School
Potomac School
Flint Hill
We cut out Sheridan and Lowell.
I am open to other suggestions and I understand we are ALL OVER the place, but really want to cast our net wide to try to find a good fit as best we can.

[Anonymous]

Harbor in Bethesda?

[Anonymous]

I would not say the Dx as it will automatically close some doors, but I would more phrase it in terms of what the issues are, such as for example, saying that he has sensory issues or that he has such and such delay/difficulty...etc.

[Anonymous]

I would tell the school about the diagnosis when applying. As your child gets older the issues may become more apparent and it's better to be at a school that can meet your child's needs now and in the future.

Our DS got into one of the schools on your list before we realized he had any issues but we chose a immersion language charter instead where was diagnosed as having ASD/Asperger's. His symptoms are mild enough that people don't realize he's on the spectrum. However, having supports and services have made school a really good experience for him.

I would be afraid a school would not be able to provide what my child needs if they were unaware what the issues were and being upfront will tell you whether the school is willing to try to meet his needs. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

We have done it didn't tell but just described his general issues. I was very stressed out about them finding out and regretted not telling them from the get go. Eventually we did disclose his diagnosis and they were somewhat annoyed that we hadn't but it was fine.

We are now applying to a different school because DS is older and so far we have disclosed and it hasn't been a problem. Of course, with an older child there's a track record of him at a mainstream school so they don't go by the diagnosis alone.

The only school I know of that will not admit a child with an ASD is Lab. However, it could be a cause for concern at some of these schools. Still I think the burden of keeping a secret is not worth it, and you do want to make sure the school is a good fit. I would disclose.

I echo the PPs who advise that you make sure the school is a good fit.

[Anonymous]

I would like to add that you should not look at this as a decision that is set in stone. K-5, middle school and high school are all very different stages in life. We moved in 4th and will move again in HS.

My children have a different diagnosis but we did not have the diagnosis until after he moved to school 2 so we did not tell them upon admissions. I do find it better to talk about strengths and weeknesses... because I have 2 kids, same diagnosis, totally... TOTALLY different needs.

But sometimes I find I am talking about an accomodation and the teacher may take it a more serious with a diagnosis, each teacher is different.

[Anonymous]

Burgundy Farms, while a lovely place, certainly cannot handle anything outside of what is very very typical. They deal with some mild ADHD, I think, but not much else. I don't know how high functioning your high functioning kid is, but like I said - they don't have a lot of allowance for differences in behavior.

[Anonymous]

It really depends on how high functioning he is. Can he pass as typical during the lengthy play date where veteran (IME) early childhood teachers assess him and everyone else, take notes and compare all kids against a checklist? Because that's what will occur at many of the schools you list.

Similarly, at least two of your schools require the WPPSI and a seasoned psychologist who's seen zillions of same-age kids may decide your son presents in a way consistent with autism and flag that subtly in the report narrative.

Then there's the confidential report from his current school that goes straight to the prospective school. What will they say? On that note, what type of program IS it? Sped?

I can't speak to all these schools, but thinking of a few plus a few others we applied to, they realize more than you expressly divulge.

Not to mention, on the app there is usually an entry that pointedly asks: "tell us what specialists your child has worked with to date. ". When you say, oh, our ABA specialist, that kind of says it all.

If you DON'T say, "our (obviously autism related )specialist," then that is lying. Or at least duping.

[Anonymous]

There have been other threads about this. I shared on one of them our experience, which was when we disclosed the dx our child was not admitted at any of the schools we applied to. We applied for 1st grade (to different schools), did not disclose, and he was admitted. I don't think it was a coincidence.

It is a bad feeling though to feel like you have to walk on eggshells and not tell. Our son's school has been a good fit and it is obvious (to me anyway) that there are other kids there on the spectrum, but it's clear they don't want us to use the "A word" and they never do. Instead we talk about specific deficits and his "learning profile."

It turned out well for us and he is happy, but if I could go back in time I might do public school. It seemed overwhelming then but it probably would have worked out. If you do a MS private, there is always always the fear that when the phone rings it is the school calling about some incident. (Another SN mom and I joke about this constant fear). There's always the worry you will be asked to leave the school. My son's school is committed to him and likes him and I can't move him now, but there is always stress - financial, social, emotional. Seriously, not sure I would do it over.

[Anonymous]

Although I don't have an ASD child, I do have a child with a diagnosed LD and anxiety. In thinking about next steps for our particular kid, we want to make sure we don't inadvertently set her up to fail by not disclosing enough information. If a school really isn't equipped to meet our child's needs, it's important that we know that up front.

Good luck to your child and family.

[Anonymous]

You may also want to reconsider public school. Yes, the classes are large, but you can have an asessment meeting the year before the school starts, and have an IEP in place well before the start of the school year. The county has more resources and more specialists to deal with any LD than any schools, barring a specialized one.

One exception still is ADHD, where a Montessori school may still be a better choice for a child without any other LD. It's just structured better for how ADHD kids engage.

I don;t know nearly enough about the ASD spectrum, but I would at least go to your local school and request a conversation with their Special Ed coordinator. They will start the process from there. It takes one meeting to qualify for an action plan, and another one (or more) to set the actual plan to your satisfaction. One thing you can ask for is a special aide dedicated just to your child.

For our own ADHD child, we felt that the risks were too great in private school, that she would not get the right kind of attention. She would have fit an excellent music and gifted ed school, but we saw discipline in action and that scared us away. Make sure you understand each school's philosophy on discipline, because that will be used for directing your child whenever he messes up. Any child *will* mess up, but a child with some LD may be ore vulnerable to adult misbehavior (yelling, shaming, lecturing for 20 minutes). So the trick is to make sure he's surrounded by adults that make those slips safe and a potential for learning.

Or, have him stay for the K year in a preK/K program, where he gets an extra chance to mature. Most Montessori programs include K. then re-evaluate for 1st grade whether he should enter K or 1st grade in the school of your choice.

[Anonymous]

One more thought about public schools -- their K classes are still about 20 kids, so smaller than most Catholic schools and many private schools. The principal is entitled to hire additional staff in order to keep the classes at a reasonable level. The school itself is larger, and your child may need some help navigating and finding ""unwind spots", but you also get to talk to the principal and office and try to assign the teacher that best matches your child's personality. Many privates only have 1 or 2 rooms per class. so less choice in the teacher.