2.5 year relationship. So in love but

[Anonymous]

starting to miss being on my own. Nothing has changed in our relationship- he's still the same great guy- loyal, happy, genuine, affectionate. I don't think I'm any different either. But my feelings are- I miss being single, having my own place, doing my own thing.
But when I think about us breaking up, it's a devastating thought- that awful breakup feeling, our shared lives (friends, family, our apt, we share a car etc). And losing him- that would be awful. So then why am I feeling this itch?
We are late 20's, no kids, low HHI -- if that matters.

[Anonymous]

Take separate vacations? Its not uncommon to remember how good things were or could be if you simply changed _________. The problem is our memory and fantasies are often not at all real. Some people are happier single. Some relationships intentionally spend a fair amount of time apart to build the relationship.

Its not wrong to have these feelings but you should be aware they are sometimes based on how you think a situation will be that is not how the situation will actually be once you get there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:starting to miss being on my own. Nothing has changed in our relationship- he's still the same great guy- loyal, happy, genuine, affectionate. I don't think I'm any different either. But my feelings are- I miss being single, having my own place, doing my own thing.
But when I think about us breaking up, it's a devastating thought- that awful breakup feeling, our shared lives (friends, family, our apt, we share a car etc). And losing him- that would be awful. So then why am I feeling this itch?
We are late 20's, no kids, low HHI -- if that matters.

Becauae you are bored. Get married, have a kid and you won't have time to search for problems.

[Anonymous]

Do you have somewhat separate lives now? as in do you go out, do your own thing sometimes? have your own hobbies, downtime, etc? or are you joined at the hip 24/7?

Even married people go through these feelings, you can maintain your individuality even though you are coupled. Perhaps that is what you need chart out for yourself so you are not throwing the baby out with the bath water.

It sounds to me like you need some "me" time which is totally possible to do while maintaining your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Shit or get off the pot.

[Anonymous]

For me it was always a choice between being with DH and being single, not other men. I have gone through long periods of missing being single, in large part because I was well-socialized to be a good girl and take care of other people before taking care of myself and it's easiest to take care of my own needs when I'm alone.

Two things have helped me:
1) carving out time and space for myself separate from my relationship
2) watching both my mom and MIL blame their unhappiness on their husbands and then fall apart when the men died. Made me really examine whether sometimes the problem is with me, more than dh.

OTOH, are you sure that everything else is fine with your relationship? Only you really know. At any rate, get more space for yourself and then see how you feel.

[Anonymous]

Do you go out with your friends, without him? Have your own hobbies, go to the gym, etc?

[Anonymous]

Dumo him.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm.....OP, this is a very complex + tricky situation. On one hand, it looks like you have a great guy. Your relationship is stable and you don't have any complaints. Yet on the other hand, you miss your freedom...the freedom to come and go as you please, to not be accountable to anyone, etc. I get it.

It sounds like you live w/your S/O and perhaps that is a little too much for you right now.
Since you don't have any children now, I think ideally you still want to have your man in your life, but you also want your space.

It would be weird if you approached him one day and told him that while you were completely happy & content w/him, you wanted to live alone. He would probably (understandably be hurt and confused.)

But remember:
YOU live your life for YOU.
If you are not 100% satisfied, things will not get better later on.

Your problem needs addressed sooner rather than later.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Well, I think it is good idea to step back and consider whether you've been carving out enough time for yourself and taking care of yourself.

But I'd also consider whether one or both of you tends to be over- or under-attached. Is he more needy that you'd like? Do you prefer to be more distanced in a relationship? Google attachment disorders and see if any of those ring a bell.

[Anonymous]

My advice would be NOT to dump him but rather to start carving out more solo time for yourself. If you live together in a 1BR could you squeeze your budget enough to get a 2BR? Having that extra space saved my relationship more than once. Set aside at least two nights a week that you do your own thing - meeting a girlfriend for drinks, joining a kickball team, playing board games with a meetup group, whatever suits you and your interests but something you can do every week on that evening on your own. You won't have to call and say what time you'll be home or where you are - he'll just know it's part of your schedule to go off and do your own thing those nights. Same goes for weekends - around one weekend a month you should have something just YOU are doing, whether it's visiting family, going on a hike, or buying ice cream and marathoning your favorite tv show with a friend. Then once a year you should take a 3-7 day vacation without your SO - either alone or with family or friends (or a tour group!).

If you're already doing a lot of those things and feel like the issue is less about the time you spend together/apart and more about the expectations of the relationship (does he need to know where you are all the time? does he get pouty if you don't want to go watch football at his buddy's house?), that's a completely different conversation you need to be having with him.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you everyone. To answer a few questions, we live in a very small apartment, a 1BR. We can't get a bigger place at the moment.

We do things together socially, as well as independently of each other. He is not controlling, pouty, or even inquisitive of any alone time I have. He encourages it, as do I.
There's no jealousy or trust issues- we're very open and never question each other.
I work out 3x/week, go out with friends every other week (either for dinner at one of their apts or meet for drinks), I do errands and shopping alone, I visit my Mom once/week. I work M-F long hours, but I like it. He works similar hours.

We don't argue much.

I will say this- we had a very quick, romantic, love-story esque beginning, involving moving in together after a month of dating (we were friends for a few years, then hadn't seen each other in a few years, then got together and everything was instant).

I don't know if this is a classic case of "honeymoon is over" (minus the marriage) and now that we're settled, looking towards marriage (although not actually engaged)/future etc.... that maybe it has me freaked out.

We have slightly different visions of the future- mostly about location-- but that's something that I could get over and compromise on.

I think a PP is right- maybe I am searching for a problem where there isn't one.

He's not doing anything wrong.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. I know this thread has died, and there's more interesting ones, but at the moment this is my outlet since I don't want to voice all of this to anyone yet.

I don't know what is wrong with me. We are all cute and cuddly and happy, and in the back of my mind I am thinking "this is going to really suck when we break up"- yet, I continue to love him and be happy with him and not act any differently. It's almost like I made up my mind in my head but am scared to act on it.

He is an amazing man who would never do me wrong, he's helpful, very smart, loves his family, and I know he would be a great husband and father.

I am almost 28- I shouldn't be having these immature thoughts of singledom when I am with a great man.

I will say, that he is slightly dependent on me- I make more and contribute more (to our rent, bills, etc). I own and pay for my car that he drives (or I drive him to work) since his stopped working. I do most of the cooking/cleaning (but that's my own issue and could be fixed easily). We live in walking distance to his work. If we broke up, I fear he would lose everything- everyone he knows lives in a different location (same state, just an hour away) so his support system isn't near his work/school. He couldn't rely on me for car/transp, and doesn't have the money to fix his. He wouldn't be able to find an apartment that he could afford (unless a roommate situation but he hates the idea of finding a random roommate).

Yet in the past, I've been dependent on him- but in a different capacity. Emotionally, maybe. Always wanting/needing affection, reassurance, a loving touch-- but that's changed in the past couple months. I just feel different.

If we broke up, that would be it. The end. And that gives me the most awful, awful feeling. So why do I keep having these thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Let him go now instead of in 6-7 years + a kid or two when you decide to get 'bored."

[Anonymous]

I think you've lost respect for him as a man because he can't contribute equally and this is manifesting itself as "boredom". I'm a woman and let's face it, a bit of spark is lost when you have to carry more than 50% of the financial load. Sounds like you're still with him because you feel sorry for him, afraid he won't cut it without you. He's a big boy, he'll do fine.