Drained and depleted by family - what to do?

[Anonymous]

Lately it's been one thing after another. At the moment I have one sbling going through a messy divorce and another deemingly having a midlife crisis. I try to listen and help but really, I'm just about done. We don't have parents or many other relatives and I'n the oldest, so I feel like I should be there for them. The problem is that I have a very demanding job (emotionally draining) and three kids. I want to try to set some boundaries with my siblings but am unsure how to do this without seeming uncaring or selfish. Anyone been in this situation and have any advice? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

*sibling
**seemingly

Sorry for the typos.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I have a sibling who has been very, very demanding over the years. It is incredibly draining because I never know what I'm going to get when I pick up the phone - two hours of ranting, two hours of sobbing... At one time, out of complete and total depletion, I began limiting contact. The honest truth is that it was a relief in the short term, but the fallout was really major. I will forever be the one who turned my back, devastating the sibling in their time of need.

I feel for you. I just warn you to tread very lightly.

[Anonymous]

Does your sib going thru the divorce have kids?

If not, maybe invite her along to outings etc? It could help her to feel she has family despite being divorced. I say this as a single childless thirty something who feels pretty lonely.

[Anonymous]

Decide what you can give, and then give that and nothing more. Five minutes on the phone each day and that's it? Fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Decide what you can give, and then give that and nothing more. Five minutes on the phone each day and that's it? Fine.

Terrible advice. Totally lacking in empathy.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a giver, OP, and you sound like someone who feels guilty when they can't give 100% all the time, and make the pain go away for their sibs and their family. You are a good person, but in these circumstances, you can't make the pain go away. It's not that kind of situation. It's okay sometimes to let the phone go to message (esp. when you are with your kids), to say "Let me call you back," to listen and double-task at the same time, to just listen without advice (because just listening is just fine), and even to say "I only have five minutes so give me the high points."

It's really okay to set boundaries with people, even when they are in pain. They will still know that you love them.

[Anonymous]

Are they local? I think the best thing you can do for someone in pain is to redirect it so they aren't always focused on it. Maybe talking about it is cathartic to a point, but after awhile you can't let them fixate on their pain. If they are local, I would invite them over for dinner or outings. Let them help you with the kids...give them something else to focus on, something that isn't self-absorbed. You can chat about their issues while they are changing diapers, or whatever.

I don't recommend limiting contact because this is your family. They need you. Find a way to make this work so it's not draining on you.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, me too. I have a father who constantly hounds me to "take care of your brother", my older brother, mind you, who doesn't even have real problems, but lives to complain about everything. Mom is dead, and no one left in the family gives a crap about taking care of me. There's only so much I can give. I'm pregnant now and I think the two of them are in a dead panic because they know that my attention will rightfully be elsewhere from here on out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are they local? I think the best thing you can do for someone in pain is to redirect it so they aren't always focused on it. Maybe talking about it is cathartic to a point, but after awhile you can't let them fixate on their pain. If they are local, I would invite them over for dinner or outings. Let them help you with the kids...give them something else to focus on, something that isn't self-absorbed. You can chat about their issues while they are changing diapers, or whatever.

I don't recommend limiting contact because this is your family. They need you. Find a way to make this work so it's not draining on you.

+1

I agree

[Anonymous]

I disagree with most of the pp's. You are entitled to set limits for your own sanity. If you don't you will wind up being the one in a crisis.....and then who will listen to you? You might consider talking to your siblings, explaining your current situation, and agreeing on some sort of acceptable level of support....phone calls x-times per week, or dinner out with them once per week, etc. Let them know of what you CAN do for them, and then let them have their own reaction....you cannot control other people's reactions to situations and you need to let THEM own them. People are ultimately responsible for their own mental health - you and your siblings. Please don't continue to sacrifice yourself out of guilt.

[Anonymous]

What about a middle ground where you just honestly say "I really want to be there for you and whatever I can do, I will do, but I feel very drained myself right now. I have an emotionally draining job and these kids. Maybe lets get together and do some fun things as a family, and maybe talking to a counselor will give you more solid advice and suggestions that I can in my current state. I need to be there for my kids and I am struggling to be emotionally present for them. I love you and want you to get through this difficult time. A good counselor can do so much more than I ever could, but you have my love and support."

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you everyone. It really helps to hear your various perspectives. Yeah, I'm the oldest and our mother died young so it's always sort of been me. I realize I need to set limits. I've also reached out to some extended family and asked for their support. I told one of my siblings that they should consider finding a therapist to talk to, as I'm pretty sure they are depressed. Hopefully these things will help. Thanks all for listening!