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How to discipline a toddler who is too young for time-out?
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nicola1975
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| I need some advice on how to handle my 22 month old son. I know that tantrums and misbehavior go with the territory right now, but I have yet to figure out an effective discipline style to let him know I'm serious when he does something wrong. When I say no to him in a stern voice he just laughs and then does it again. When I ignore the behavior, it goes on and one. I'm reading 1-2-3 Magic, but I'm not sure he's ready for the concepts in that book. Complicating factors is that he can't talk, but understands everything. So I think he's often acting out of frustrating. If any moms out there have tips on how to handle toddlers before they're ready for time-outs, etc., I would really appreciate it. |
Anonymous
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if you haven't yet, I'd recommend Dr. Sear's Attachment Parenting book, and as always, I recommend the Kazdin method book (positive reinforcement, extinction of "bad" behaviors)
Finally, can you try distraction to change the subject if you will, when he starts? Head off the tantrum before it begins? |
Anonymous
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I agree with the pp that distraction, redirection, or finding some way to head off the tantrum would be a good place to start. Also, make sure you give lots of attention for good behavior, as little as possible for bad. Obviously, you can't ignore everything, especially if it's dangerous or destructive, but try to handle with with as little interaction as you can ( the no-talk, no emotion part of 1-2-3 Magic).
Since he understands when you talk to him, you could work on compliance training. When he's not misbehaving, give him a direction (like "give me the truck"). If he does it, make a very big deal and a minute or so of special attention. If he doesn't, just let it go and try again later. After a few times, he will begin to get the picture that following directions gets a response he likes. A final thought: you mentioned that he doesn't talk yet, and I wonder if you have tried any sign language with him. There a several websites that offer basic baby signs like "eat", "drink", "more", etc. This could alleviate some of the frustration you're sensing from him. Hang in there! |
Anonymous
| I know this is frustrating, but your child WILL grow out of a lot of behaviors and things DO get better with age and language. My 19 mos. old is hitting and it drives me nuts...she especially like to grab my face. I say "hands are not for hitting" and I put her on the ground. She is not allowed to hurt people, but there is no point to a time out or any kind of lecture. She needs to get the picture clearly and without drama and shame. It is trying, but be consistent, less talk, more action. Try to stay positive! |
Anonymous
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our 19mo understands time out VERY WELL...
and we've been doing it for a couple months now... she was getting frustrated because we didn't understand what she was saying and would hit, kick, spit... we taught her BSL and it worked like magic. now, when she doesn't want to obey she does the hitinkickinspitin thing all together and SHE DOES TO TIME OUT. and she knows what we mean. it's been working so far. why do you say he can't understand time out? |
Anonymous
| I am the 13:08 poster. Here is some logic on time outs. If your child is frustrated/angry/bored/cannot use words/is in pain/tired/sick, you name it, placing them on a step, in a high chair, in a crib, on a little chair, whatever, does not teach them how to behave. It teaches them (eventually) to be angry with YOU, the punisher. Time outs ALWAYS stop working b/c they punish rather than instruct, the child does not know WHAT to do with their feelings. And the child usually does two things: feels sorry for themselves or wants to punish you back. Either way, it is not what a parent wants. I understand the motivation behind a timeout, I did it with my first kid, and it worked, for about six months. And then, it REALLY stops working. For EVERYONE. You are better off keeping your cool and finding another way...much harder than plunking the kid on a step and setting the timer... |
Anonymous
| A couple of things that work with my DS is I will give him a chance to correct the behavior or the option to do it himself before I get to three. For example... he likes to get into his carseat by himself... although he usually dodles... could go on forever!!! So if I need to be somewhere I tell him he has till I get to 3 to do it himself and if not I will do it for him... the first couple times probably looked like I was having a wrestling match in the car with a screaming 2 year old... but works like a charm now and there are usually no tears. Also sometimes if he is not sharing I will tell him that he can pick a toy for so and so to play with or a toy for him to keep or I will pick it for him. I have had to be consistent though... because he does like to test... and then there are other days where just about nothing works... I have no advice for those days. |
Anonymous
At the same time I think it's ok to teach that their is a correlation between bad behavior and consequences. If timeouts stop working, then do something else. I agree that you should praise good behavior all the time, but also it's a disservice to them to not discipline. |
Anonymous
Discipline is not consequences, i.e. punishment. True discipline is setting boundaries to begin to with...punishment only teaches a child to be angry with YOU. |
Anonymous
Yes, I agree that setting boundaries from the beginning and following through is important and when boundaries are crossed they will test them. Interesting enough, they want you to not let them get away with what ever it is. If they get angry with you, Ok, fine, we all get angry with our parents. Consequences are not supposed to be fun. If they learn lines and boundaries at home, then teacher, police officers, and the outside world, they will start to get. Our children learned, what you said boundaries from the get go, but we don't run our household on the premise our 2 kids might get mad at us. We don't walk on those kind of eggshells. |
Anonymous
| You are missing the point completely. But that is okay, do what you need to... |
Anonymous
Maybe you should state you point more clearly. I don't get it either, and you snotty "do what you need to" response isn't helpful. |
Anonymous
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the COUNTING TILL 3 rule works wonders for me
=] |
Anonymous
| I would like a little advice. I have run my own day care center, worked in an Early Childhood Special Education Program and a Behavior Disorder classroom so I feel I am experienced with children of all kinds. Time out just became the thing to do when my youngest was about 7 years old so I didn't use it much at that time. My oldest grandchild is a 26 month old girl. She is, of course, experiencing some of the terrible two behaviors and she just had a little brother two weeks ago so a lot of changes have taken place. I have more than enough time and patience to work on time out with her (when in town where they live) and my daughter is really patient with redirecting her. My son-in-law, however, spanks her just about every day and puts her in her bed when she is crying or upset. I have had numerous in services and learned that you should not put a toddler or preschooler in bed as a punishment. It really upsets me and I cannot do that. My son-in-law grabbed her out of my arms and took her to bed when I was "babysitting" and using time out. She was crying and upset and he wanted her in bed for crying. I was upset that he just took her from me when I was taking care of the problem. I feel he took my power to discipline my gran daughter from me and she will now think I can't or won't discipline her and she can do as she pleases with me. I have been looking for information on not putting toddlers in the crib as punishment but can't seemt o find anything. Input please. Thank you! |
Anonymous
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I have a 22 mo. old and we have used time out for several months now. I find that it works. The most helpful thing about it, before she comes out we talk about what happened and I tell her why whatever she did is not o.k. Often in the midst of a tantrum/whatever I can't get her to focus on what I am saying - she is too wild, worked up, and out of control. I put her in there only until she sits still and stops tantruming, then we talk. I really would say it is working for us. I am by no means saying that this fixes 2 year old behavior. She still whines a lot when she talks, can throw some pretty good tantrums. But time out does stop the situation that is currently going on from happening and usually leads to several hours of good behavior b/c I can say - "remember when we talked about not doing whatever behavior you did earlier." Let's do something else." And she responds pretty well to that.
To the PP that says time outs stop working - maybe they will at some point and we will readjust our methods. I definitely try to reinforce positive behavior and praise her when she's doing a good job for example with asking for things vs. whining, but sometimes even with all of that she gets out of control. I don't see how ignoring that for fear of her not liking me for a few minutes will help. |