Dh makes it hard for me to be a good mother

[Anonymous]

I was reading the thread about what nice things you remember about your mother and I have to admit that my kids would ahve nothing to say about me.
I work very long hours and have a tremendous commute, main bread winner. DH has a minor disability and is not very helpful around the house.
I have to do all the hard stuff, while he takes the kids to fun places and buys buys buys them everything they want, with the money I earned.
Kids complain that I am not fun because when I get home, I push the homework which has not been done, I get dinner ready, and I ask them to take a bath and brush their teeth, which DH never asks. I don not buy much because they have too much, or maybe too much has been spent.
I never have the time to do special things without feeling rushed. I feel stuck because DH will never be able to for instance clean the garage (I do that), vacuum the cars (my job), floss their teeth (me again), comb their hair (me and they hate that).
Tired of kids telling me that I am not the fun parent.

[Anonymous]

What does your husband say when you've sat down and had a serious discussion about this? What plans have you come up with and how are they failing? I can't imagine he said too bad, fuck you. If he did, then you have more serious problems than not being the fun parent.

[Anonymous]

One thing to remember is that kids don't appreciate the things you make them do now, but they'll remember them later. I hated my mom doing my hair, but now it's something I appreciate about her. Ditto with my dad and making me take cough syrup at night--horrible at the time, but now I appreciate him getting up to take care of me.

That said, you and your DH have to figure out how to divvy up the chores and responsibilities that he CAN do. The two of you have to get on board about your family budget, and you need to find ways to get him taking responsibility for the things that he can do.

[Anonymous]

That sounds really hard OP. My situation is similar, though not as severe.

My suggestions would be:
- pick one (or two or three if he's willing) thing that your husband can take more responsiblity for - the homework seems like an obvious candidate. Ask him to do this one thing, do it consistently, and take it off your plate. Make it something that will feel significant for you.
- pick one night a week that will be delivery for dinner, or fast food, or going out to eat, or whatever. But take the dinner prep off your plate. Maybe that one night you take one kid out for dinner - just you and that child. The rest of the group figures it out for themselves or has leftovers or whatever. Take that one meal with that one child and make it a fun thing. Even if you just did this once a month it would make an impression.
- prioritize things a little differently. Prioritize a half hour of fun, before dinner or bath or cleaning or flossing. Skip flossing once in a while so you can spontaneously goof off. Hire someone to clean the cars if you have to.

You probably will always get the "not the fun parent" rap. But I bet you are also (and will always be) the parent they know they can really count on in a pinch, the one that holds them to a higher standard, and possible the one they feel most safe with as a result.

I think a bedrock issue here though is marital stuff - not so much the parenting thing.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Lots of good advice above. Loosen up a little, don't try to be so perfect - take out food when you have to, let them have unbrushed hair... Let the kids pick what take out they want, and if they don't let you brush their hair call it wacky hair day (meanwhile, teach them to do it themselves). Pick and choose your battles. Set aside a day each week or month for a mommy day either individually with each kid or together if you have to where they get to do what they want (within reason - you're still the mom!). Make things fun - sing silly songs for teeth brushing or add accessories for hair time. They will think you're fun while you're getting things accomplished.

Pay people when you can for some of the more difficult tasks if you need help - even a local teenager to help vacuum out the cars. How old are your kids? What can they start to help with? DH can take on SOME more responsibility with every day stuff.

You can't blame someone else because YOU"RE not being perceived as fun. Be the good reliable mom that you are, and they will love you for it. Loosen up a little so you can all have a little more fun in the process.

[Anonymous]

I think you and your husband need to have a serious talk. Does his disability prevent him from getting the kids to brush your teeth or do their homework? If not, he is not contributing to the house.

Your husband is the stay at home parent. How can you both, as a team, ensure that your kids are well provided for both materially and emotionally? You obviously need to split some things based on what he can and can't do, but what you would like is also important. And he needs to contribute to this more than by buying kids toys. He also gets the right to contribute to an opinion about how the house should be run. Is it possible you are too much of a perfectionist, even if he is not responsible enough?

[Anonymous]

You need to discuss the budget issue with dh. The money he spends on unnecessary stuff for the kids could be going to outsource some chores.
Also, try to get the kids to do more chores.

[Anonymous]

Pp here. I will add, I have a minor disabilty that affects my ability to do housework etc. I actually have decided not to have kids because I don't want to have a partner or nanny have to do all that stuff for me. But that is another story.
The budget issue is huge, you need to discuss that with dh.
But please make sure you don't make him feel bad about his disability. I simplify my life so that I rely on others as little as possible but there are times when I have to and I hate it.

[Anonymous]

Ok. I'll bite. What minor disability prevents one from doing housework?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sounds really hard OP. My situation is similar, though not as severe.

My suggestions would be:
- pick one (or two or three if he's willing) thing that your husband can take more responsiblity for - the homework seems like an obvious candidate. Ask him to do this one thing, do it consistently, and take it off your plate. Make it something that will feel significant for you.
- pick one night a week that will be delivery for dinner, or fast food, or going out to eat, or whatever. But take the dinner prep off your plate. Maybe that one night you take one kid out for dinner - just you and that child. The rest of the group figures it out for themselves or has leftovers or whatever. Take that one meal with that one child and make it a fun thing. Even if you just did this once a month it would make an impression.
- prioritize things a little differently. Prioritize a half hour of fun, before dinner or bath or cleaning or flossing. Skip flossing once in a while so you can spontaneously goof off. Hire someone to clean the cars if you have to.

You probably will always get the "not the fun parent" rap. But I bet you are also (and will always be) the parent they know they can really count on in a pinch, the one that holds them to a higher standard, and possible the one they feel most safe with as a result.

I think a bedrock issue here though is marital stuff - not so much the parenting thing.

Good luck.

Thanks for the advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok. I'll bite. What minor disability prevents one from doing housework?

Being a man? But seriously, what is your DH's "minor" disability? Does it also prevent him from holding down a job?