MIL upset with the 1st BD invite

[Anonymous]

Background: My In-laws have been divorced over 20+ years and each remarried. The father in-law and step MI are very much involved with our lives (we have 2 boys 3y and 1yr). They have supported us (emotionally, mentally and financially) and still do. They have paid for many large expenses related to the kids or even our house. They also always bring and/or send gifts for the kids when they visit. We don't ask for these, but we are very grateful and blessed to have them in our lives. However, the MIL and her husband, don't come for visit as often and when they come, they hardly bring any little toys or anything for the kids. They have not supported us in any form. They are reserved and not anywhere close to being open communicators as the other set.

Another piece of background info is that I come from a large family (5 older siblings) and since we've had our 2nd child, few of my siblings have helped us in so many profound ways when we needed help. Example, a sister taking me to hospital and even spending 3 nights on our couch helping with the kids while my H was sick after the 2nd baby arrived. A brother, made many home repairs that could have cost us close to thousands of dollars with no charge to us. Of course my family are local and both set of H's family are about 8 hrs away.

So with our 2nd son's first birthday coming up, I changed the party date to a week earlier because my H told me his mother and husband will come for a visit so we pulled the BD earlier to have them be part of it. In the invite, I felt not only this is baby's BIG MILESTONE but also it is ours too for surviving a year with challenges of raising two young kids and family and marital stresses that come with that. So I thanked my sisters and brothers and mentioned 3 out of 5 names on my side. Then I said thank you to grandparents for their love and support and specifically named the father in-law and his wife for being there for us in SO many ways. Well, apparently, this made my mother in-law upset and hurt her feelings. So as a result my husband is upset with me and now I am stressed. Let me also add that we've been so busy with kids's getting sick/colds and viruses, husband and even myself lately that I even forgot my own anniversary this week.

To me, this is just stupid. My H and I have more important things to worry about than dealing with this. I suggested to my H to call his mom and tell her that my intention was not to hurt her and that I really wanted to mention the folks who came to our rescue in tough times and that is why I named who I named. But part of me, wants to tell her : are you kidding me? and then name few profound things the other grandparents have done to shut her up, but I am holding myself back. I know if I did that, it will get to my H and as result he will be upset and I don't want that for the sake of our marriage. I really think if MI knew all that stuff that the other side has done for us, that she probably could see why I wrote the invite like that. But at the same time, I don't want to tell her all the issues (dirty laundry) right now. And one last point, is that we know the father in law and his wife won't be able to come until after the BD. So the MI will have the BD party all to herself along with my family.

....so can you relate to this? What have you done that worked for you, which was similar to this? What would you recommend I do?

I apologize for the lengthy note.

[Anonymous]

Are you socially awkward in general? That was a pretty dumb thing to do.

[Anonymous]

I think what you did was pretty insensitive. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

I cannot relate to that. Not because all my relatives are equally supportive or can hear things without taking them personally, but because I don't see how trying to make an invitation a big ball o'meaning is ever a good idea. Why mention people on an invitation (other than the hosts and the guest of honor)? Did you really think that was going to go well?

[Anonymous]

I hope this isn't real. What you did was thoughtless and rude. Of COURSE your MIL was upset. It is not customary to write "thank yous" to other people on birthday invites, so your MIL thinks that you did this to spite her, and honestly, it sounds like she's right.

And I say this as someone who has a fairly strained relationship with my own MIL.

You need to apologize to your MIL and her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot relate to that. Not because all my relatives are equally supportive or can hear things without taking them personally, but because I don't see how trying to make an invitation a big ball o'meaning is ever a good idea. Why mention people on an invitation (other than the hosts and the guest of honor)? Did you really think that was going to go well?

ya so strange, its not a wedding program! bad move OP.

[Anonymous]

It was a passive aggressive thing to do. And who writes invites like that? You actually had on each invitation specific people to thank and did not thank your MIL? If I were your husband I would be furious. Way to cause a fight and bad feelings. You were wrong and you need to call your MIL.

I can only hope that you didn't actually write this down and just said it during some speech, in which case you can always say you were flustered and even forgot to mention some of your siblings and your parents. Stop keeping track of how much everybody spends on your kids.

[Anonymous]

Wow what you did was mean.
I am sure you have to be able to see that.
It all comes across in your posting.
It was the very height of passive-aggressive.
You have obvious resentment of those who do not "help" you.
Why I do not know, but baby it's all over your face.
Besides, who puts all that crap in an invitation.
If you want to thank someone for their help, send a personal note, not a newsletter.

[Anonymous]

Be real. You "thanked" your FIL and his wife because they have given you money and lavish the kids with gifts.

Either way, that was a shitty thing to do, and you are really self absorbed.

[Anonymous]

You sound very immature. You singled out some family members and excluded other family members and then you feel affronted when the excluded family members felt slighted (which they were). Hopefully you'll learn better before your children are school-aged when you have to deal with children who will not understand why you so clearly and openly favor some people over others. While it was a nice gesture to thank the key family members who helped so much, that type of gratitude is best saved for directly to them or done in a way that isn't so pointed that you were NOT thanking those family members who didn't do so much. If you don't get why this is so churlish, think of if you had a wedding and publicly, to all attendees, lavishly thanked those people who gave you cash gifts because you really, really needed it. Think of how those people who didn't give a cash gift will now feel.

Grow up, apologize for being so sophomoric and tell MIL and husband that you are grateful for their love and support and did not mean to be so rude in the invitation.

[Anonymous]

High Maintenance DCUM Princess Syndrome.

[Anonymous]

One more thing (and I'm truly sorry to be piling on you, OP, along with everyone else!) - reaching the 1st birthday or your 2nd child is really not such a milestone. The 'helping you out' stuff is way overboard in your mind ... what you're describing is more what you'd expect from someone going through chemotherapy or grieving or something. As much as your MIL and step FIL may not be very nice people, they certainly shouldn't expect that you need extra help because you have a 3 and 1 year old and a marriage to uphold. That's just called regular living to everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One more thing (and I'm truly sorry to be piling on you, OP, along with everyone else!) - reaching the 1st birthday or your 2nd child is really not such a milestone. The 'helping you out' stuff is way overboard in your mind ... what you're describing is more what you'd expect from someone going through chemotherapy or grieving or something. As much as your MIL and step FIL may not be very nice people, they certainly shouldn't expect that you need extra help because you have a 3 and 1 year old and a marriage to uphold. That's just called regular living to everyone else.

Preach!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Background: My In-laws have been divorced over 20+ years and each remarried. The father in-law and step MI are very much involved with our lives (we have 2 boys 3y and 1yr). They have supported us (emotionally, mentally and financially) and still do. They have paid for many large expenses related to the kids or even our house. They also always bring and/or send gifts for the kids when they visit. We don't ask for these, but we are very grateful and blessed to have them in our lives. However, the MIL and her husband, don't come for visit as often and when they come, they hardly bring any little toys or anything for the kids. They have not supported us in any form. They are reserved and not anywhere close to being open communicators as the other set.

Another piece of background info is that I come from a large family (5 older siblings) and since we've had our 2nd child, few of my siblings have helped us in so many profound ways when we needed help. Example, a sister taking me to hospital and even spending 3 nights on our couch helping with the kids while my H was sick after the 2nd baby arrived. A brother, made many home repairs that could have cost us close to thousands of dollars with no charge to us. Of course my family are local and both set of H's family are about 8 hrs away.

So with our 2nd son's first birthday coming up, I changed the party date to a week earlier because my H told me his mother and husband will come for a visit so we pulled the BD earlier to have them be part of it. In the invite, I felt not only this is baby's BIG MILESTONE but also it is ours too for surviving a year with challenges of raising two young kids and family and marital stresses that come with that. So I thanked my sisters and brothers and mentioned 3 out of 5 names on my side. Then I said thank you to grandparents for their love and support and specifically named the father in-law and his wife for being there for us in SO many ways. Well, apparently, this made my mother in-law upset and hurt her feelings. So as a result my husband is upset with me and now I am stressed. Let me also add that we've been so busy with kids's getting sick/colds and viruses, husband and even myself lately that I even forgot my own anniversary this week.

To me, this is just stupid. My H and I have more important things to worry about than dealing with this. I suggested to my H to call his mom and tell her that my intention was not to hurt her and that I really wanted to mention the folks who came to our rescue in tough times and that is why I named who I named. But part of me, wants to tell her : are you kidding me? and then name few profound things the other grandparents have done to shut her up, but I am holding myself back. I know if I did that, it will get to my H and as result he will be upset and I don't want that for the sake of our marriage. I really think if MI knew all that stuff that the other side has done for us, that she probably could see why I wrote the invite like that. But at the same time, I don't want to tell her all the issues (dirty laundry) right now. And one last point, is that we know the father in law and his wife won't be able to come until after the BD. So the MI will have the BD party all to herself along with my family.

....so can you relate to this? What have you done that worked for you, which was similar to this? What would you recommend I do?

I apologize for the lengthy note.

wow, that was dumb dumb dumb.

Also, you sound like you are not very independent.
You seem to need so much help from others.
support yourself
raise your own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One more thing (and I'm truly sorry to be piling on you, OP, along with everyone else!) - reaching the 1st birthday or your 2nd child is really not such a milestone. The 'helping you out' stuff is way overboard in your mind ... what you're describing is more what you'd expect from someone going through chemotherapy or grieving or something. As much as your MIL and step FIL may not be very nice people, they certainly shouldn't expect that you need extra help because you have a 3 and 1 year old and a marriage to uphold. That's just called regular living to everyone else.

EXACTLY, poor coping skills